I got out!

Teasel

Not Active
A good day. The new T was about as promising a first session as I’ve ever had. Shall do my best at not getting my hopes up (too painful when they’re dashed) but pleased. She seems to get PTSD so far, conversation flowed. Too many compliments but heh.

afterwards I decided to drive to the coffee roasters, the trip was really quite a nice sensory experience. Pretty scenary, not too stressful a drive etc.

I can tell I’m not too well, in a way that’s been common in the past year or two. Walking much more than a couple minutes is tiring, headaches, pretty intense body aches - arms, back n legs especially. But mood is good enough.
 

Teasel

Not Active
I want to work on my problems getting on with people. Recognise some distortions? at play. Not sure if distortions is the right word. Distortions in how I interpret other’s behaviour / intentions or something.

Also something inherited from my family - a real lack of skill with people, think It’s something to do with growing up in a disfunctional home, not sure.

Maybe something to do with having been isolated so much of my life too. If you grown up / spent many years as an adult without people in your life, then maybe I’m not used to including others in

Want to cry 😢

Come back to it later.
 

Teasel

Not Active
I keep getting closer and closer to thinking I'm mildly autistic, aspergers as used to be the term. From what I've read getting a diagnosis on the NHS can take many many years.

I keep coming across th8ngs about women getting diagnosed late in life. And how women present differently to men with it - can kind of mask it a bit better.

Anyway. Had a good sort of day. Went to get the coffees changed for decaf.

I really like the drive there. In fact it's my favourite journey of any I've made ever pretty much. The bulk of it is nice gentle curves and hills through some pretty nice scenery, you can glide along 50 / 60 miles an hour apart from an occasional pretty village. Yeah, not stressful either. Love it. Had on classic fm today. Was really relaxing, top up the engine (me) kind of stuff.

Still haven't painted. Slightly avoiding it. Hmm.

The woman I particularly don't like is due back today. She's been away a while. I'm genuinely really sad she's coming back.
 

JGirl

Confident
You seem concerned about the possibility of having autism. Can you start the process to test for a diagnosis? Do you know what you need to do to start? I am wondering if starting the process will help you feel a bit more settled, to know that you will have an answer even if it takes time. Here to chat if you want to share more of your thinking about it.
 

Teasel

Not Active
Thanks. Yes, contacting my GP is the first step. Or else deciding to go private.

My Dad left a folder in his favourite internet sites called my name. In it were lots of sites about aspergers.

Made me so sad he didn't just bring it up when he was still alive.

I found it when he died. I think he woulda classed as having aspergers.
 

JGirl

Confident
@Teasel, I just want to clarify. Are you saying that your dad had aspergers, or that he would classify you as having aspergers?

I have read that a lot of symptoms of PTSD can parallel autistic traits. Perhaps that is why you or others are seeing the traits in you? It is also possible that the PTSD has hidden autistic traits which is why it has never been explored. I imagine that this must feel scary for you. I'm sorry that you didn't get a chance to have a conversation with your dad about his ideas.

I can relate in a way to when my T recently started discussing dissociative symptoms with me. I had never considered that I might have a dissociative disorder. It was very upsetting at first. Then I realized that learning about something that was true about me all along doesn't change who I am. Now I am beginning to learn new and more effective strategies that will help me cope with challenges. I am still adjusting to the idea, but I feel a bit more calm and accepting of it than I did at first. I thought that I would share because maybe something about my perspective can help you as you go through this process of learning more about yourself.
 

Teasel

Not Active
I just want to clarify. Are you saying that your dad had aspergers, or that he would classify you as having aspergers?
Kind of both. He was never diagnosed though.
I have read that a lot of symptoms of PTSD can parallel autistic traits. Perhaps that is why you or others are seeing the traits in you?
Oh, I haven't come across that, so can't really say.
It is also possible that the PTSD has hidden autistic traits which is why it has never been explored.
Not heard about this either, so I don't know.
I imagine that this must feel scary for you. I'm sorry that you didn't get a chance to have a conversation with your dad about his ideas.
No, quite the reverse actually. Potentially a huge relief. Like finding a home having felt like an alien all my life.

Thanks though, greatly appreciate the chance to talk about it. I think I will talk to the GP.

I've subscribed to a podcast for females on the spectrum, bought a couple books, and joined an online group all to get further information.

I relate a lot to quite a lot of things, and defo don't to others.

Thanks 🙂
 
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