I got out!


Just couldn't get my words out yesterday. Still can't really. But my post looks like I only like Lumos's reply and that's not the case.

Feeling frightened, like such an awful person. Frightened of being rejected here.

Grateful for this T I'm seeing. Very


I'm really grateful for both of you replying to me. Was such a relief. Think it helped break up some of the fear.

The T was suggesting that maybe I take on things being my fault, but that maybe actually I just don't trust the people here. It's beginning to occur to me she might have a point.


Feeling quite a bit less frightened than I was. Was a very familiar feeling being frightened like that. Spent a lot of years of my life being frightened of people and their judgements of me being a bad person.

Stuggled with that so much cause it sets off my own judgements of myself. Something about self abandonment.

Having neen so terrified by all this so much I really would like to be able to let go of it all more. If someone doesn't like me or judges me harshly doesn't have to bother me one bit and I can understand that rationally...

Is so difficult to untangle where I have done wrong from all of that.

On another note, realised possibly my being so solidly down lately could be something to do with HRT. I've not noticed anything being better since starting on it. But my mood started plummeting with a day or two of starting it. Also am getting headaches most days, and breast tenderness. Which I absolutely hate. Anything sexual has been shut down for years which suits me very well indeed I hate this side effect.

It, headaches and depression are all symptoms of HRT according to the leaflet with my tablets. Oh also, increased hot flushes which I'm experiencing too.

I shall talk to the Dr.

Got an appointment coming up next week too where I hope to get referred to a psychiatrist for something on a prn basis.

Want to start using tools and self care every morning again. Yes I do.