I had a breakdown and now I need to get over it, how???

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Everything has been hard this year. Had to travel to my home country for months, twice. Had to move apartment, switch 3 jobs and perpetually be in this state of instability of where I'll be or what happens next. A lot of the time including a lot of financial stress, but also lack of routine, or location. A week ago I learned I'll have to repeat that process. Going home for a while. Using last money to deal with that. More work changes. More routine and place changes. More stress.

One good thing I did, started a planner to sort some of that chaos or debts and job applications and vaccinations. I also spend some of my last money on getting to psychiatrist to adjust my meds and talk through that. And considering change in location got extra meds. Talked to Crisis line. Still, things have been rough. There is a lot to do, and setbacks made me crumble. Had to make a financial plan with my landlord about paying from afar while traveling so I don't get evicted and she was not happy. She agreed, but I came home and this whole year just came crashing down on me.

I have limited days to plan a trip, a job, a home. But I crumbled. Cried for hours. Chatted with a friend. Cried more. Took extra meds and still couldn't sleep sleep and wondered about self harm. Wondered if it would be easier,to not have to deal WITH ALL of this anymore, this huge mess I've made. I slept and the today I ate and slept and slept again, in and out of it. My chief achievement was going to the store, and buying mostly healthy things for a first time in months.

There is so much to do if I want to turn my life around, but things have been so rough and I'm so tired.
I lost a whole day, just in and out of sleep. I have 2 weeks to finish everything and I lost 2 days falling apart. And I should start change immediately, to organise, clean, run Errands, apply to jobs again, but tonight I'm still barely awake.
Like I've had the flu or something.

Theoretically, logically, I can turn my life around. But it's 5pm and I can't even be upright for long.
Everything is so messed up and I was strong, this whole year, I kept it together, and I have nothing left to keep it together with. It would be so much easier to make a choice. Fight, or let go. But I just spend my last energy just to get groceries and I feel like I have nothing left in me. I'm using every resources I have to keep it together through every setback, and sometimes you just need to wonder, when does it end?

I have no time to waste, I'm such an idiot wasting 2 precious days.
But I'm just tired, I'm so tired and I know there will be nothing easy about the next few months.
And I just don't know where to pull it from, the energy to get through it.
I'm just so tired of fighting. Of breathing. I'm just tired.
 

Friday

Moderator
I have no time to waste, I'm such an idiot wasting 2 precious days.
I know this feeling.

I’ve also lost YEARS.

Which feels exactly the same.

So let’s do a reality check, yeah?

- What… by virtue of those 2 lost days… can you no longer accomplish? Note them & strike them off the list. They’re dead & gone. Mourn them now & lose more days, and more things, or mourn them later… if at all.

- What… can you still do? Do that.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I know this feeling.

I’ve also lost YEARS.

Which feels exactly the same.

So let’s do a reality check, yeah?

- What… by virtue of those 2 lost days… can you no longer accomplish? Note them & strike them off the list. They’re dead & gone. Mourn them now & lose more days, and more things, or mourn them later… if at all.

- What… can you still do? Do that.
Thank you. For knowing how this feels. This is very precise advice.
I woke late today and felt already behind and suffocated by the state of my home and my todo list.
What you said is a start.

And I will try to do that.
It's undeniable, I'm having a hard time mentally this week.
So question is, what can I still do, accepting that I'm having a hard time and it won't be perfect.
Thank you.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I am listening. You don't have to be angry or upset at yourself. It's amazing how you've held it together for so long amidst all the havoc.
Thank you... But it doesn't feel so anymore. I'm in such a havoc, mentally, that I manage... Singular tasks in a day. Like today, went to the bank twice/made calls to them, had a long hyperventilating call with a friend... And that is all I achieved.


There are important things that may determine if I will be evicted before my trip (waiting on money to pay certain bills, so I depend on bank or kindness of landlord). And because of holidays I don't know if it will be on time.
I also wrote few more paragraphs but there was a glitch so... The gyst is, it seems I'm now operating on 10% of my usual productivity... But all that is going on hasn't stopped because I'm falling apart. I still need to prepare for a trip, deep clean apartment(3month trip... Or eviction... Either way). I still need to look for work.

Meanwhile most of my energy is going into staying alive. Calls and chats and passing time.
How do I set goals to do better if I'm barely holding on? How do I prepare? Even cleaning feels like an exam: I look at the kitchen right now and I can't separate the tasks to do from the voice in my head saying I'll never finish.

It's like I was one of these wind-up toys and reset and adapted to all setbacks this year. And now I just broke... And I can't do what I'm supposed to do. I can't. Yet I have to.
But today I had to go to the bank twice, and make few calls to them... And that's all I managed. And now I'm more drained than on my busiest days. All I'm trying to do, is hold on. And as it usually is in life, I have neither the time nor the money, to deal with myself. 2 weeks and 200$ would change my life. So I have to wait on my bank and pray, but time, time I can't get, so somehow I have to pull myself together and do what needs to be done.

I feel so weak. And so tired.
 
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SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
wow that's allot to sort. i'm tired just from reading it all and i'll bet you even left out some parts.

steadying support while you work through all that. itsy bitsy baby steps.
Thanks... The problem is in this state even baby steps look gigantic and I have to break them up even more. I haven't felt this low in like 2 years... Even with setbacks. It's demoralising.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
taking the time to reach out, as you have done with this very post, is a most excellent baby step. when up against staggering odds, it pays to pause and gather your strengths.

more steadying support while you find your way through. . .
yes, it is demoralizing, but you are stronger than you know.
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
It all starts with a breath. You are still doing that, so cast off all of it and start to rebuild from....the next breath. It is a skill I have had to relearn over and over because you only use it when you are this run-over by it all. People say "one day at a time", "one foot in front of the other", etc. and it's all good but when I have been this far down, where getting out of a bed meant everything and I had nothing for it, I had to remember to go back to the breath and stay there for awhile and then build up to whatever it was.....So easy to forget, so unnecessary feeling- but for me, that time with just my mind and my breath is the start of all that comes after. body, tasks, world, everything, hope it helps if you need it.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I paid a bunch of bills, also bought my meds... And that is all I've done today. Unless I was running these Errands, I was on the couch. Even watching TV was exhausting, so I've been half-napping. I literally just have so little energy left in me.

Wanted to do more today, but everything feels too big. Even being upright or washing my hair or dishes.
I'm still breathing tough, so I guess that's something.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
Ok, you are accomplishing something every day. You are responding here also. Those are positives in the midst of all the shit. Is there any way you could get some inpatient treatment? That way you wouldn't have to worry about all this shit while you get some healing done. Unless of course dealing with this in tiny steps is helping. I really feel for you and want you to feel well.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Ok, you are accomplishing something every day. You are responding here also. Those are positives in the midst of all the shit. Is there any way you could get some inpatient treatment? That way you wouldn't have to worry about all this shit while you get some healing done. Unless of course dealing with this in tiny steps is helping. I really feel for you and want you to feel well.
Thank you... I wish it was an option. I'm traveling for a third time this year back to my parents. Inpatient there is not an option. I will however check if my insurance covers therapy or if not see what other options I have for free or cheaper.
I finally set up today, which feels like when you've been sick all day and finally feel better. I hope it's a good sign. And for a first time the fog I've felt under since Monday seems to have lifted for a tiny bit..I hope it lasts. I need to keep it together enough to prepare for the trip next week(not legal for me to stay).

But once I'm there I will figure out some therapy option and also some self care plan, like daily walks(even if it's cold). Right now that seems impossible but hopefully in time... I've been under a fog and it's clear that I either give in, or make a change. These days have been way too dark. Thank you for commenting, it has been helpful.
 
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