SeekingAfrica
Sponsor
Everything has been hard this year. Had to travel to my home country for months, twice. Had to move apartment, switch 3 jobs and perpetually be in this state of instability of where I'll be or what happens next. A lot of the time including a lot of financial stress, but also lack of routine, or location. A week ago I learned I'll have to repeat that process. Going home for a while. Using last money to deal with that. More work changes. More routine and place changes. More stress.
One good thing I did, started a planner to sort some of that chaos or debts and job applications and vaccinations. I also spend some of my last money on getting to psychiatrist to adjust my meds and talk through that. And considering change in location got extra meds. Talked to Crisis line. Still, things have been rough. There is a lot to do, and setbacks made me crumble. Had to make a financial plan with my landlord about paying from afar while traveling so I don't get evicted and she was not happy. She agreed, but I came home and this whole year just came crashing down on me.
I have limited days to plan a trip, a job, a home. But I crumbled. Cried for hours. Chatted with a friend. Cried more. Took extra meds and still couldn't sleep sleep and wondered about self harm. Wondered if it would be easier,to not have to deal WITH ALL of this anymore, this huge mess I've made. I slept and the today I ate and slept and slept again, in and out of it. My chief achievement was going to the store, and buying mostly healthy things for a first time in months.
There is so much to do if I want to turn my life around, but things have been so rough and I'm so tired.
I lost a whole day, just in and out of sleep. I have 2 weeks to finish everything and I lost 2 days falling apart. And I should start change immediately, to organise, clean, run Errands, apply to jobs again, but tonight I'm still barely awake.
Like I've had the flu or something.
Theoretically, logically, I can turn my life around. But it's 5pm and I can't even be upright for long.
Everything is so messed up and I was strong, this whole year, I kept it together, and I have nothing left to keep it together with. It would be so much easier to make a choice. Fight, or let go. But I just spend my last energy just to get groceries and I feel like I have nothing left in me. I'm using every resources I have to keep it together through every setback, and sometimes you just need to wonder, when does it end?
I have no time to waste, I'm such an idiot wasting 2 precious days.
But I'm just tired, I'm so tired and I know there will be nothing easy about the next few months.
And I just don't know where to pull it from, the energy to get through it.
I'm just so tired of fighting. Of breathing. I'm just tired.
One good thing I did, started a planner to sort some of that chaos or debts and job applications and vaccinations. I also spend some of my last money on getting to psychiatrist to adjust my meds and talk through that. And considering change in location got extra meds. Talked to Crisis line. Still, things have been rough. There is a lot to do, and setbacks made me crumble. Had to make a financial plan with my landlord about paying from afar while traveling so I don't get evicted and she was not happy. She agreed, but I came home and this whole year just came crashing down on me.
I have limited days to plan a trip, a job, a home. But I crumbled. Cried for hours. Chatted with a friend. Cried more. Took extra meds and still couldn't sleep sleep and wondered about self harm. Wondered if it would be easier,to not have to deal WITH ALL of this anymore, this huge mess I've made. I slept and the today I ate and slept and slept again, in and out of it. My chief achievement was going to the store, and buying mostly healthy things for a first time in months.
There is so much to do if I want to turn my life around, but things have been so rough and I'm so tired.
I lost a whole day, just in and out of sleep. I have 2 weeks to finish everything and I lost 2 days falling apart. And I should start change immediately, to organise, clean, run Errands, apply to jobs again, but tonight I'm still barely awake.
Like I've had the flu or something.
Theoretically, logically, I can turn my life around. But it's 5pm and I can't even be upright for long.
Everything is so messed up and I was strong, this whole year, I kept it together, and I have nothing left to keep it together with. It would be so much easier to make a choice. Fight, or let go. But I just spend my last energy just to get groceries and I feel like I have nothing left in me. I'm using every resources I have to keep it together through every setback, and sometimes you just need to wonder, when does it end?
I have no time to waste, I'm such an idiot wasting 2 precious days.
But I'm just tired, I'm so tired and I know there will be nothing easy about the next few months.
And I just don't know where to pull it from, the energy to get through it.
I'm just so tired of fighting. Of breathing. I'm just tired.