I Hate Me!

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lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
I didnt know where to put this and it caused depression and Im always thinking about suicide but sorry if this isnt isnt the right place

Last night, what to say about last night? Well, lets go back in time just a bit. My mom and step father had their control over me until I was 19, even though I moved out the min I turned 18, I reconnected with my father through my sister at 19 and the 1st thing he asked me was did my step father sexually touch me?

I was hiding this secret, hiding it all so I said no and kept it ALL inside until about 8 yrs ago, it started coming out on its own in the form of explosions on my neighbor in another state where I lived and my dad saw it in '09 after my accident and 2 failed back surgeries when he was coming to move me back to my home state with him due to not being able to work. Even then I didn't tell anyone but the pure anxiety driven explosions were so bad that they took me to my step mom's MD who referred me to my current psychiatrist and my therapist (LMHC) works under her.

/Anyway, still a secret even from my therapist though I think he knew something more was going on but I went to him every week for a year and Dr Drew had an "ask Dr Drew" chat (us asking questions in chat and him answering on video, and he is who gave me the words and courage to tell him why I was really there so it took me yet another 2 yrs to tell him everything. Starting in '09 I told my dad and step mom just a little bit and overtime time, in more recent few yrs they've learned about the Satanic like cult, that my mom participated, forced prostitution, (my step mom knows about the small animal sacrifice & forced bestiality but my dad doesnt), and a few yrs back a pastor cousin by marriage was trying to help me understand this god stuff and because he was someone trying to help my brain says I have to come on to him though I don't want to (and the family blew it WAY out of porportion) I DIDNT COME ON TO HIM! It was facebook messages and I said I was having thoughts of coming on to him and hindsight being 20/20, i shouldnt of but i did and cant take it back.

He and his wife (my blood cousin) blocked me, in 15 mins my entire family (about 100 people) knew and that was the end of my dad's family talking to me and my brother's wife fuels the (she's lying) crap and really all of it. That is why I have a possible non-dignoised attachment disorder. The only way I know how to get close to people is sex.

Now i really have no idea how someone could be (if they had a "happy childhood" and nothing happened and im lying) be dignosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Generalizied Anxiety Disorder and possible attachment disorder and have all of these signs like explosions, complete full on panic attacks in stores like Walmart due to the amount of people, cant walk in a church, terrified of women, and as embarrased as i am to say this, ive always sucked my thumb to calm my anxiety and fears and still do at night cuz nighttime is SO hard for me in respect to fear and anxiety and that "little girl" comes out at night and the floods of emotion but i dont do it in front of people but when i was sleeping on the couch due to pain my step mom saw it accidently a few times...why all of that if im lying? Oh and going off at work and almost losing what i call a really good job? Paying my therapist over 6 yrs over 5 grand, because Im lying?

So I always said, i dont have my family but at least I have my dad and step mom and recently my step mom's daughter and son in law and their 7 yr old stayed at my house for a few months and i talked to them and they said i can text them if i need someone right then if im suicidal or want to cut.

So yesterday, 1st my step mom said that her daughter and son in law talks out of both side's of their mouths and to "watch what i say to them" so that just ruined that and then my dad said "I wasnt there so I dont know if it happened" and "i'll keep an open mind" both stating that theres a part of him that doesnt believe me and when watch something thats similar to my story and he says like "oh that poor girl" or "shes so strong and brave" im like what about me and he says "im not talking about you" and he said that, the "i'll keep an open mind, i dont know if it happened i wasnt there" and he tells my step mom in private "i was married to her mom for 20 yrs and can see her partisipating" she changed! I started screaming "IM TELLING YOU! IT HAPPENED TO ME! IT HAPPENED TO ME! IT HAPPENED TO ME!" then went and cut myself "down there" so bad that it took hrs to stop bleeding. I should of came on here and typed but I was stuck in my mind "Now I have no one, everyone is gone...if your family hates you and they're the ones thats supposed to love you no matter what then what does that says about me? Im worthless!"

And i just got stuck there and stuck, like I always do of punishing myself. The plan was that i was gonna write a quick non-discriptive summary of my past from age 7 to age 18 and then my therapist was gonna write down the psycological effects by each item/event so in the end both my dad and step mom would have a more understanding of why i do and think the things i do and think and after i basically found out that my dad thinks, partially, that im lying about it even though my therapist says he knows im not lying, thats now out the windows, and im diagnosied with so much stuff and im almost 35 yrs old and have to suck my thumb for god sake to even feel safe enough and calm the anxiety and fears and terror at night (even with sleeping med and anxiety med) to go to sleep and i show my hurt, fear, pain etc as anger so i go off A LOT and i have physical things (dizziness no medical reason, body wants to sleep and cant seem to wake up enough for work though i go anyway and no medical reason, had a seziure that had no medical reason, have headaches every day, shake all over every day, nausea at least 3 to 4 times a week no medical reason, and all Drs state that its not my meds or combination of meds), and my therapist said that a lot of people dont want to believe me cuz its just that horrible and ive numbed myself to it so when i talk about it its like im talking about someone else cuz it feels like i am, its effecting my life and it doesnt matter to me that guys use me for sex, thats my job in my mind, to be used for sex, he also said people that lie about abuse make up false drama (not sure who would lie about this kind of thing) but im not a f*cked up person because i had a happy childhood! I feel so f*cking alone! I do have this place and im grateful of that but i have no family, no friends, no one! I HATE MY LIFE! I HATE ME!
 
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JackRJN

New Here
I feel sorry for you, you're obviously having a very bad time. You don't have to hate yourself for things other people do or did. And it seems you're in a crisis right now so get in touch with a helpline to talk to somebody ASAP - I don't know which one because I'm on another continent, but if you google helpline in combination with your main issue and your state you will get a phonenumber and be able to talk to someone. Believe me, in a crisis that helps. Good luck!
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
I feel sorry for you, you're obviously having a very bad time. You don't have to hate yourself for thing...

I'll live unforantly, havent been successful.at suicide yet but im also at work at the moment. Just needed to vent i guess. I dont call crisis lines as they dont tell me anyhing i havent already heard plus if they run a trace on my phone i could be held for 72 hrs and i cant, i have to work. Plus when i am suicidal, i cant talk, i can write, i can type, but i wouldnt be able to say a word which is why ive never called one
 
I believe YOU!

I want to give you words to comfort you. I feel like you need to hear: I believe YOU! Everything your saying. I'm sorry your not getting that from the people you want/ need to hear it from. I'm sorry they may be too selfish, disconnected, or whatever, and unable to acknowledge you. Acknowledge that this PAIN you feel does not just surface out of thin air.

I believe you. You know what happened. You know the truth.

I'm glad you reached out here. Please keep doing that. Keep writing. Keep connected. There is NO shame in calling a crisis line/suicide hotline . Even when I knew I wouldn't do it, but it all felt too much I called. At least a handful of times and just the sound of a sympathetic voice helped me. Someone listened. I felt heard. And it helped.

Wishing you the best!
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
I believe YOU!

I want to give you words to comfort you. I feel like you need to hear: I be...


Thank you! I wish I heard that from just my therapist so thank you! I know theres nothing wrong with calling a crisis line, I just cant seem to talk when Im there and ive had now 28 failed attempts starting at age 8, been there a lot. I can type and write and text but i cant seem to talk so they would just be talking to themselves is all.
 
I understand that. I'm glad your writing here to write it out.

I'm sorry your therapist hasn't told you that either. Maybe they think it's assumed. Either way, let them know. You deserve to hear those words.

I'm not a big talker either. Always prefer to write it out. Not a big fan of the phone either. Just stresses me out. Feel like there is an expection to say things, and stay focused and sometimes my mind wanders off.
 
Oh gotcha. Makes more sense.

Yeah, that would be the day huh. The people responsible (directly or indirectly) in your saftey, care, support, unconditional love, growing up- OWN their mistakes.

For them to say "I believe you" means ownership. And some people are just not healthy enough or aware enough. Instead, they ignore it, twist, lie or manipulated their part or lack of. That leads to you feeling alone, isolated, traumatized.

Doesn't make it ok, or right, or Fair. And I'm sorry you are suffering!
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
Oh gotcha. Makes more sense.

Yeah, that would be the day huh. The people responsible (dir...

What I dont get about my family (and this is my dad's side, seperated by divorce well over 20 yrs) is they are asking a child abuser "did you abuse her?" Are you expecting my mother, a child abuser (only 1 of the 2 living, rest of the cult members didnt go by their real names tho one was a cop), to tell you "yes i totally did all of this illegal stuff!" Really? Ive never heard of taking a child abusers word for it! AND my dad told ME that I should take a lie dectector. Me? Why me? Why not her? I never pressed charges on her cuz shes my mom, but they use that against me too, saying if it really happened i would have pressed charges, told someone (tho i was made to believe my dad knew and didnt care and where i would go would be worse, i was terrified to tell) but they say because of this Im lying and this is my family. The people that are supposed to love me no matter what and it's my dad's side of the family. And what sucks is you feel, if your family cant love you, the people that are aupposed to no matter what, then what does that say about me?
 
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they are asking a child abuser "did you abuse her?"

That is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard!!! Like he's going go "oh yeah, whoops, sorry about that?" And for them to ask him to determine if it's true???? What????? Your CHILD told you. Period. End of story. They should consider themselves lucky enough that you had the courage to tell them. To open up to them. Thats disguisting. It was their responsibility to make you FEEL safe when you told. To make you feel loved.

the people that are aupposed to no matter what, then what does that say about me?

It says NOTHING about YOU and everything about them! Your their child. It's their job to show you unconditional love. Period. If they didn't do that, it speaks more about the people they are. Not who you are. Everyone deserves to be loved. Every child deserves to be loved and protected. You deserved better!

It says Nothing about YOU!
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
That is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard!!! Like he's going go "oh yeah, whoops, sorry about that?" And for them to ask him to determine if it's true???? What????? Your CHILD told you. Period. End of story. They should consider themselves lucky enough that you had the courage to tell them. To open up to them. Thats disguisting. It was their responsibility to make you FEEL safe when you told. To make you feel loved.


My abusers were my mom and step dad, my step dad died about a yr ago tho he stays alive in my head so the only one left is my mom. My dad is who wanted ME to take a lie detector. He shouldnt of even mentioned it to me. My mom wont just take one and without charges, at this point it would be a civil charges and its my mom and very complicated.

As to my family its mostly my brother's wife and i can sorta understand him not wanting to believe this about his mom; its my dad whom lives with me, sees the mental effects every day; and whom hurt the worst when half of him foesnt belive me, its his EX wife, not current, not family in any way anymore and IM TELLING HIM IT HAPPENED! Thats the worst one out of all of my family. He also left me there after begging him at age 9 and age 12 to take me and didnt so if he admits it happened he also must admit his wrong doings and he doesnt want to, tho i need him to
 
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