I Hate Myself Today

[Chiqui]

I guess I need some venting. I feel so dissapointed with my life, with myself. I feel lonely, extremely out of place. I don't mean nothing to anybody, I am too difficult to deal with, to be understood. People around me get upset because of my caracter. I am very angry. I want my old self back, my old life, my dreams and hopes. All is gone, vanished. Because I was soooo stupid. I believed a better world could be created, a better version of me could be achieved, I could help people to aliviate their suffering, I wanted peace for the world, for myself...
I ended empty. Stupid. Broken. Afraid. Alone. Empty. Lost. What a f*ck is this shit? A looser. I just have ruinned my life. Thats the reality. And I have to live with it. End.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I could have written that. It sounds like how I woke up today after bad dreams. All my hopes and wants are dead. I wanted to be a social worker for elderly people, or crazy, but with prolonged and repeated traumas, and memories I blocked, and bad psychiatrist diagnosis, and f*cked up mentally ill parents raising me who didn't really want me my life got f*cked out of anything good. Im just surving now. A useless eater with nothing to give. I'm on empty from veing taken advantage of, and empty from trying to be better than I am. being repeatedly put in ypur place makes it a hard battle to move forward. I can't use people like so many I know, and so it seems the possibility of me being used goes through the roof. I have learned not to offer so much of myself, but its kind of to late.
I wonder if maybe helping other people is a selfish way to get my jollies, and they know I'm doing it to feel good therefore use the crap out of me. I don't know, but the giving up point sucks, and I've given up. I can't fight anymore to be better. I just give up I'm never going to be good enough.
Maybe there is a bad my life sucks flu going around. It seems like a lot of people are here with us. Maybe the winter blues.
It might get better tomorrow? Maybe you've put your kindness in the wrong basket. I know I'm guilty of that. Casting pearls amongst swine never gets us anywhere. I hope it gets better for you. Every kind person in the world is needed we don't have many left.

 

[Canticle]

I guess I need some venting. I feel so dissapointed with my life, with myself. I feel lonely, extremely...

I hear you and totaly understand the dark miment you are in. I wish I could somehow hug you and let you kniw that yiur efforts to make this world a better place. It is because if people like you that I decided to stick around a be a part of humanity.

There are so many twisted and evil self world people in humanity. I have been broken many times and left empty, heart broken and terrified to try to get back up. I am glad that I never gave up hope and found the strength to carry on.

Please know that you are not alone. I am a beautiful one. I have given all that I am to help others like me to be loved with true conviction and see the heart smiles. You are facing a dark moment; but, I assure you that there is still good in this world and that you are truly loved and appreciated beyound measure

 

[Willow Tufts]

I could have written that. It sounds like how I woke up today after bad dreams. All my hopes and w...

This is exactly where I am. Mentally ill parents, in school for social work for the elderly, burning out trying to be better than I am. What are we supposed to do. Ive spent my life fighting against my brokenness and it has only made me more broken. As I write this I am sitting back stage somewhere where I should be out on stage. Im just as lost. Feeling perpetually misunderstood.

 

[Canticle]

I could have written that. It sounds like how I woke up today after bad dreams. All my hopes and w...

I have lived the same life and carry far to many stones of sorrow that belong to others. I am affraid to let others see my beautiful soul and kind hearted love. My life here has not been easy on me to say the least. Regardless, I have never given up on true love and have helped many with my strength and true compassion. There is no greater blessing then true love and heart smiles.

I hope that you know that you are not alone in this world and that you are truly loved beyound measure. I would give you a huge hug and heart smile if you were within arm reach. For now, please excepth my true compassion, love and respect.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

¡Pobrecita! ¡Preciosa! Ay, Maria, I'm so sorry you are feeling so very down on yourself right now. We ALL have days, sometimes weeks, like this. Where nothing seems to be going rights, and everything is gray and gloomy. Can you have compassion for yourself right now, in this moment?

As MyDogsLoveMe said:

Maybe you've put your kindness in the wrong basket.

Are you putting your kindness toward yourself? You are a special person: artistic, funny, kind, friendly, compassionate. But you don't have to be perfect; no one is perfect. It's okay to be angry, and sometime be difficult to get along with. You probably have good reasons to have your guard up.

This is a moment of suffering you are going through. Try to have self-compassion. Listen to Kristin Neff's Self-Compassion guided meditation. Also, the Mindful Awareness Research Center has guided meditation en español. This is what I am doing to try to decrease self-punishment and increase self-compassion.

Con mucho amor, besos y abrazos, Chica

--Lola

 

[Deleted member 38242]

This is exactly where I am. Mentally ill parents, in school for social work for the elderly, burni...

Big hugs to you. I'm going to beg my shrink for an antidepressant. He gave me a moodstabalizer, and they make me suicidal due to the fact I suffer from depression, and have to take serious street drugs to get manic. He wouldn't listen, but I tried.
Social work hurt because I realized to late how to get help. I had information overload last year. I don't know for me the burn out was because it hurt that I got the information to lateto save myself.
Were not alone.....
Hugs to you both.

 

[Chiqui]

Thanks to all for reading me. I'll read all your comments tomorrow. Now, I am on «deny mode», so I better wait until the storm passes :cautious::ninja:

 

[Chiqui]

I hear you and totaly understand the dark miment you are in. I wish I could somehow hug you and let y...

Thank you very much for your caring and thoughtful answer. I know now anger just blurb and twist my opinion about myself...it feels as I have abandoned my will to get I don't now where...because that «place» is gone forever. Time for me admit the past.
At the moment, I am angry as an small child :cautious::(

 

[Chiqui]

¡Pobrecita! ¡Preciosa! Ay, Maria, I'm so sorry you are feeling so very down on yourself righ...

Muchas gracias, Lola. I am feeling better today. Full house again this weekend, but I am more ready to handle :eek::rolleyes:
I can't and I shouldn't do meditation, because its a main trigger on my condition. I dance and sing instead ;)
And mayor emotional shift happenned watching a film named Un monstruo viene a verme. So, good news..Feeling better.

Thanks and Hugs back, Lola!!

 

[Chiqui]

This is exactly where I am. Mentally ill parents, in school for social work for the elderly, burni...

Same feeling...I should be out on the stage, and not hidden on my cloister...

 

[Chiqui]

I hear you and totaly understand the dark miment you are in. I wish I could somehow hug you and let y...

Thank you!! So loving and reassuring comment, bless your heart.