I Have Memories of the Attack Every Night

[MiniChan]

It's been a year almost since I nearly lost my life. I got attacked by my sister who is schizophrenic and had no idea what she was doing at all. She didn't mean it and I've been able to see her again during Thanksgiving last year. But I feel a lot of pain and fear even though I forgave her. There wasn't really anything to forgive. I just don't understand why I still feel fear in me. Sorry if I posted this in the wrong place.

 

[Ursa]

I just don't understand why I still feel fear in me.

Our brain sticks with a surviving response. Although it keeps us alive, it also makes life very difficult.

Take care.

 

[kers]

Yep, the fear response sticks around in our body and mind's effort to keep us safe and to come to terms with something that has happened to us and shattered our worldview. What you are describing is normal with PTSD and the feelings of fear will, in time subside, or at least become manageable.

 

[Surviving]

Kers and Ursa are right. I used to have nightmares every night and I addressed it in therapy. I used EMDR to help me feel safer and more in control of myself (strength I guess you could say). The nightmares still pop up if I've had something trigger me that day or was thinking about it but they are much fewer and far between. I even had some good dreams from time to time. Do some research about EMDR to see if you think it will help you. I suggest emdr.com but there are a lot of sites and forums about it you can look at.

You can also try journaling at night or anytime you think about it. If you wake up from a nightmare, turn on the light and write it down and how it made you feel. Not so you can read it again later, you may even want to rip it up. But writing out fears and worries that circle in your brain can often allow your brain to feel like it doesn't need to work at remembering these fears so much and your nightmares may diminish. Kinda like how we write to-do lists or keep written schedules, it takes pressure off of us knowing we don't have to keep thinking about it in order to remember it.

There's also a technique where if you can become aware that you are in a dream without waking up from it, you then know that you have control. You can change your dreams and make them turn out however you want. This is also something you can research online if you are unfamiliar with it.

I hope this helps you! God bless.

 

[MiniChan]

I have written about the trauma. The fact is, after the attack, it got worse because more bad things happened. I'm now safe with my dad.

 

[Ursa]

My therapist say another day that it gets worse before it gets better... its part of the processs. Take care of yourself and look for help with a professional.

 

[midi]

It's very difficult. After being raped repeatedly as a child, I had the same nightmares every night for over 15 years. Then I lived with a wife beater who raped and nearly strangled me to death too many times to count - and lived with nightly nightmares.

Trauma is heartbreaking. It has to be processed and sometimes, the nightly torture doesn't stop. Keep talking about it, writing about it, and processing. It's probably little comfort, but know that it does, as Ursa said, get worse before it gets better...

 

[MiniChan]

I'm going to see if I can be put on meds. I tried working through this on my own without meds but nothing works. I just still can't believe it happened.

 

[the racha]

Hey, MiniChan. Sorry to hear you're going through this. I don't know if you have a therapist, but if you don't you should consider one that specializes and/or has been trained in trauma therapy. There are no meds that will "take away" PTSD-- it doesn't work that way. The meds may allow you to sleep, or make you less anxious, or make you less depressed, but they cannot "fix" or treat the core issue, which is the trauma.

When I first went on meds, my psychiatrist told me point blank: since you have PTSD, the meds will help you with about 40% or maybe even 60% of your symptms, but the only way to work through PTSD itself is through therapy. In my experience, if you address one PTSD symptom with medication then it's only a matter of time before you get a new and different symptom. The point is, until you deal with the actual trauma itself, the symptoms will continue popping-up.

Try not to feel guilty about feelings of confusion when it comes to your sister.

Best,
racha

 

[MiniChan]

I faced my trauma. I saw my sister 5 months later and spent some time with her on Thanksgiving. It was fun. so I faced it. The only symptoms I have so far are the intrusive thoughts.