Sexual Assault I have really disturbing unwanted thoughts about abuse and CSA

OnyxSage

New Here
Hey y'all, I've been struggling with this for a very long time, since I was 11 or 12 I think (though the violent intrusive thoughts have been there as long as I can remember), and I need to talk about it and get some advice because the guilt is eating me up inside. I have experienced some forms of abuse in the past, but my memory of my childhood is really fractured so I'm not sure of everything that happened. I really hope that's the cause of all of this.

For a long time since I was a preteen I've felt this sick and unwanted attraction towards young-looking people in fiction and media. I also have really bad and sexual intrusive thoughts sometimes, about rape and abuse, even about family and friends. There's been a couple of times when I've been really horny and wanted to let out some steam that I purposefully looked for fanfiction that featured age differences in them, but I felt so horrified with myself afterward. I've never, and I mean NEVER felt attracted towards a child, but it doesn't take away from the fact that I used to get off to horrifying shit in writing when I was younger (like bestiality, rape, etc.). I feel this weird draw to gory and violent stories, sexual and otherwise. It's a strange sense of relief and catharsis that I can't make sense of, almost like how revenge feels. Arousal towards horrible violent shit seems almost like an after affect of that. I feel the need to stress that I'm only attracted to such things in fantasy.

There's some definite warning signs that I may have been molested when I was young. I wetted the bed until I was nine, I learned how to masturbate when I was like five, and I remember knowing how a penis looked like when I was really little and drawing it because I thought it was funny. I've also got really bad anxiety and depression issues, and I have these weird muddled memories about seeing a hairy man naked, though I'm not sure if those are real or if they're something my mind made up. I was also exposed to porn really young (like 9 or 10 years old I think) because I had unrestricted access to the internet, and like I said I used to look up some really horrible and graphic things without really realizing how awful it was. In addition, I'm on the asexual spectrum, and the first time I tried to have sex I had a panic attack and had to hole myself up in the bathroom. I feel this horrible fear and anxiety towards sex even though I want to have it, and the only reason I'm not completely sex-repulsed right now is because my boyfriend and I are taking it very very slow, and I trust him to respect my boundaries.

I don't want these thoughts, I hate them so much and I've tried so hard to get rid of them but I can't. Every time I get aroused I feel this weird sense of shame and fear, and there's been times where I've become aroused when stressed or afraid, but not in a good way. Sometimes I feel like I should just get rid of myself so I don't end up hurting someone. Is there a reason for me having these horrible thoughts and feelings? Is there a way to help get rid of them? Please help, my soul hurts so bad and I want it to stop.
 

foxrye

New Here
Hi, I was assaulted as a child and had a strong fear of just looking at children until 20 as I was afraid I'd be attracted to them (and that someone would hurt me again), even though it made no sense.

I first stopped being around children for like a year by going to a new place, not next to a primary school that had me dissociating constantly.

I then worked in fast food for a little time through desperation for a job, which actually really helped me to see children as actual people again and not something to be hurt, as I was. I don't recommend this at all, it could've been very harmful. it's def safer to get advice from a professional on this front. I was on the waiting list for a long time though and needed a job to live. There were no other jobs.

My point in saying this is that it doesn't have to be forever that you feel this way. Just the moving helped me a lot.

So I don't think that this is that abnormal of a thing to fear. I'd suggest looking into stories of people with pure O OCD, as many of them have the very same obsessive and INTRUSIVE (not exactly coming from you!) fears. And also getting into therapy as soon as you are able, if possible. I know it is not pleasant to think that you might be secretly a monster and I hope you can get the help you deserve.
 

Sideways

Moderator
Have you got a therapist to work through this stuff with? Because, irrespective of the cause, you don't deserve to be feeling such intense shame over these things. Something Ts can be excellent at is helping with shifting big emotions like shame, and giving us strategies to deal with intrusive thoughts.

The things that you're dealing with are common. There is absolutely no shame in deciding "I'm gonna get help to stop this problem".
 

oakleaves

Confident
OCD can cause some of the experiences you describe. Like ego dystonic thoughts - you don't want them or agree with them but they are there anyway. I agree it might be helpful to have a proper assessment with a therapist.
 
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