Emerg Services I have to go back to work. I don’t know any other way. Half vent. Half could use a smack upside the head.

Friday

Moderator
I just watched a seaplane go down, from few hundred feet up. Couple miles out. Whether it was the sudden change of movement as they went from making their ascent to a nosedive, or the sound of their engines cutting out, I don’t know what made me look up. They flattened out right before they hit, engines roaring to life, but I couldn’t tell if what I was seeing were their wings flat on the water, or if their pontoons bounced them back up, after one of those splashes thats as big as a building. Too far out. Just a glint of grey metal on grey water. So I grabbed binos and a phone and ran to high enough ground for a vantage and called it in.

f*ck me.

I hate this shit.

I know, intellectually, that even if I were working I would still just being doing what I did. But it’s the utter uselessness of being a bystander. Of doing nothing. I couldn’t swim that. Not today. When I used to swim 5mi every morning. Run 5 up the beach, swim 5 back. I used to have support, choppers and boats, med kits, medics, and radios, o2 & wet/dry suits. I was just 1 very small part of a large team. Just the person who got wet, was all. Nothing special. Nothing important. Except to me. Actually doing something. Of value.

IDFK if it’s hitting this hard because before Covid these were going to be my volunteer years, whilst my son finished up highschool, and I worked BS restaurant jobs to save up to move outta this miserable freaking climate... and instead of easing my way back into doing what I love, I’m just older and fatter and more broken, and more broke, riding out the pandemic, like a useless tub’o’lard. Yes, there were “reasons” (I live in a high risk household, and my own lungs are trashed from too many drownings and too many tropical diseases, spent 6mo with pneumonia this year alone, getting Covid on top would just be schtupid. I can’t even hold my breath 2 minutes -yet- or swim for shit right now -15 minute survival time in the local water, and the pools are all closed, so I’m f*cking fat- so I know, I know, I’m not even fit to volunteer, much less FIT to work). “Reasons” just feel like whiny ass excuses. The “smart play” really isn’t my forte. Never has been. Winging it, I’m good at. Reasonable, smart, laid out plans? Not so much.

I need to get back to work.

And I can’t. Not yet. I’m fat, unsat, and f*cking useless. Perhaps worse, borderline feeling sorry for myself. Which is unacceptable. Moto? Fine. Whinging? f*ck off, get up off, and DO something.

In just a few more years, it doesn’t matter how fit I make myself, I’ll be too old. It’s do it now, or never again.
 
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grief

Sponsor
you certainly aren't any of those things. you can get in shape. sometimes it's all right to throw a pity party every once in a while. but it sounds like you are using this as motivation to do what you need to be doing.

i recently encountered the possibility of being given stress leave at my job (as it is 100% voluntary) and the idea of not doing what i'm doing? absolutely off the table. non-negotiable. there will never be another job that i hold with the skill set that i have that will be as meaningful and impactful as what i am currently doing.

it is one of the few things that gives me pride in myself and bolsters my self-esteem that i know i am actually using all of this garbage nonsense i developed in my head for years, for something worthy.

and you have something like that too. it's not the same thing but it's the same feeling i'll bet. it's probably more intense since i never got shot at while sipping a red-bull at my computer desk, lmao. you know. that's just me. maybe what you find won't be swimming to crashed airplanes and digging people out of rubble. but there is more than one definition of meaning.

the adrenaline probably helps, too. it is so much easier to be in the shit than it is to be out of it. and sometimes you need to be in the f*cking shit. it sounds like this is what you need for yourself so get out there and do it. you are capable and you are a strong person. i have every confidence that you can.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I'm waaaay older than you Friday and do understand that feeling of being useless. I just had to do a lot of rearranging brain cells to, first, accept that I could no longer do the things I used to, second, to find something that was similar that didn't make my burned out body cry for relief.

I've read you for years. I know how you do life. And to be left standing on the sidelines has to be very hard. Very hard. Doesn't mean you won't be able to do something along the same lines, just now what you once could.

You take that exceptional brain of yours and figure out what you CAN do without killing yourself. Your son is really not interested in you killing yourself trying to do things you can no longer do. He is interested in you finding something to take it's place.

I never ever saw myself not able to do the things I once could. Covid hasn't helped being in lockdown since forever. It's a bitch. And it's hard. And it hurts and is upsetting in ways others don't understand. I and I surely hate having to rely on others for help.

It's ok to be sad, angry and hurt that 'shit, this is where I ended up?'. I get it.

Here for you while you find your new place in the sun.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah, I've had to accept that there are things from the past that for many reasons 'I can't do anymore'. We are conditioned in our training but as people we get older and change. We can do a different version of those things and very importantly, we have transferable skills. I know how determined you are @Friday. Either in time, you'll figure something out/or, the universe will present something to you. Best wishes. 😉
 

Starfire

Confident
I just watched a seaplane go down, from few hundred feet up. Couple miles out. Whether it was the sudden change of movement as they went from making their ascent to a nosedive, or the sound of their engines cutting out, I don’t know what made me look up. They flattened out right before they hit, engines roaring to life, but I couldn’t tell if what I was seeing were their wings flat on the water, or if their pontoons bounced them back up, after one of those splashes thats as big as a building. Too far out. Just a glint of grey metal on grey water. So I grabbed binos and a phone and ran to high enough ground for a vantage and called it in.

f*ck me.

I hate this shit.

I know, intellectually, that even if I were working I would still just being doing what I did. But it’s the utter uselessness of being a bystander. Of doing nothing. I couldn’t swim that. Not today. When I used to swim 5mi every morning. Run 5 up the beach, swim 5 back. I used to have support, choppers and boats, med kits, medics, and radios, o2 & wet/dry suits. I was just 1 very small part of a large team. Just the person who got wet, was all. Nothing special. Nothing important. Except to me. Actually doing something. Of value.

IDFK if it’s hitting this hard because before Covid these were going to be my volunteer years, whilst my son finished up highschool, and I worked BS restaurant jobs to save up to move outta this miserable freaking climate... and instead of easing my way back into doing what I love, I’m just older and fatter and more broken, and more broke, riding out the pandemic, like a useless tub’o’lard. Yes, there were “reasons” (I live in a high risk household, and my own lungs are trashed from too many drownings and too many tropical diseases, spent 6mo with pneumonia this year alone, getting Covid on top would just be schtupid. I can’t even hold my breath 2 minutes -yet- or swim for shit right now -15 minute survival time in the local water, and the pools are all closed, so I’m f*cking fat- so I know, I know, I’m not even fit to volunteer, much less FIT to work). “Reasons” just feel like whiny ass excuses. The “smart play” really isn’t my forte. Never has been. Winging it, I’m good at. Reasonable, smart, laid out plans? Not so much.

I need to get back to work.

And I can’t. Not yet. I’m fat, unsat, and f*cking useless. Perhaps worse, borderline feeling sorry for myself. Which is unacceptable. Moto? Fine. Whinging? f*ck off, get up off, and DO something.

In just a few more years, it doesn’t matter how fit I make myself, I’ll be too old. It’s do it now, or never again.
Darn that's a depressing feeling. Mother Nature being exceedingly nasty. My second life was going so well. Hated leaving my first but the second was going well. Then Covid, surgery and geez what the heck happened! Life really wants me to find a third. Nothing worse than knowing what to do, being good at it and suddenly not being able to do it. Totally unfair. Totally worthy of being whiny ass, and feeling valueless. Horrible that used to be able to do it without a second thought. I too need a job that doesn't just make money for me but has to have value. Doing something of value. Sounds like you accomplished some wonderful things so far in your life. Bet you are not thru doing so.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
How about "those who cannot do teach"? People often take that to mean that bad doers end up as teachers, but there are a LOT of reasons someone might not be able to
"do" at some point. Those lungs of yours??? Might be a problem. (I could be wrong, I don't know. YOU probably DO know.)

But, personally, at some point before figuring out what the next evolution is going to be, I generally allow myself a specified period of time to feel REALLY sorry for myself. I think that's only fair. I also think it's important to specify for how long because it's not really a place you want to live.

You make contributions all the time. I KNOW you do here, because I see it. Can't imagine you don't do it elsewhere as well. Like raising a good kid. BIG contribution.
 

LuckiLee

MyPTSD Pro
@scout86 beat me to it...

When J was looking for work he thought about working with the sheriff's department as an instructor. The Coast Guard and Homeland Security were also interested in him. He would have been great at it. But just the thought of holding a gun again was too much.

Instead he went the safe route. He still does important work for the D.O.D. and makes a good living but it doesn't fulfill him like being a soldier did. He loves his job and is very good at it although I'm sure it bores him a lot.

Our government spent millions training the both of you. Your knowledge and insight would be very valuable to newbies.

I know Homeland Security is looking for new people and I'm sure your local police department is looking too.

J and my nephew teach self defense to inner city young girls twice a month. He loves it and the girls love him. He can share a lot of his training and help people at the same time. win/win.

You would be a great teacher! Smart and funny. My favorite kind.

I'll keep thinking on it.

P.S. I'm sorry you witnessed that and were unable to help. 💔
 
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Freida

Sponsor
What? Like old fat people can't volunteer? ( ya...leave it to the dispatcher to make fun of you ☺️ )

At some point none of us can keep up with the kids anymore and that f*cking sucks. I still perk up everytime I hear a siren and automatically start thinking cover units and call types. Knowing that will never be my world again? Ya. Sucks

Regroup and reassess
Remember that no plan goes as planned.
Remind yourself that passing the torch doesn't mean yours went out. It means you lit someone else's

With your skill set? Holy crap any organization would want you, especially if you are willing to volunteer. Search and rescue comes to mind.... still physical but lots of youngsters to do the heavy lifting - literally.

Police and fire are always looking for volunteers for their reserve programs and if you have water skills or knowledge to share the river/lake/ocean patrols would be thrilled to have you.

Or keep it military and become a VSO (or equivalent) and help fight for Veterans or go visit them in hospitals or groups...be that fellow vet they are willing to talk to since civilians suck

and blah blah blah. Lots out there once you reevaluate your skills set

In the meantime have the damn pity party! You've earned it...you deserve it
You won't get stuck there.

make it an active one.....Weren't you the one who told me to break plates?
Or go blow some stuff up or shoot stuff....remind yourself that its not "were" its "are" a badass.

No matter how old or fat or sick you are that will never change....because its who you are in your soul. You just need to redirect your attention to accommodate your body.
You have too much knowledge in that head of yours to not find a place to use it
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
If you are looking for work but not in a hurry and not taking it too seriously just yet, there has never been a better time to go to a temp agency and job shop. Maybe nothing that fits your skill set, maybe nothing that sparks an interest, but an ability to just say no thanks, may I have another? whenever you need a change. I kind of hope I can do it after retirement a little, beats the hell out of
and I worked BS restaurant jobs to save up to move outta this miserable freaking climate...
Maybe you find a job where a skill you have is needed and maybe down the road needed somewhere else in their organization that doesn't drown every winter and (lately) burn every summer.

witnessing an emergency from afar and having the skills to save lives but not the access is HARD, watching it on the news is hard, doing it without the time/distance/electronics buffer between is HARDER. Nothing but surmountable (at one time) obstacles between you and where you are needed is evidently enough to get you started down the spiral of woulda shoulda coulda, blaming yourself at every turn. Knock that shit off, let yourself have the buffer of time and distance that was also thrown your way, it wasn't going to happen, you never had an opportunity to help, just the skills and the need/desire/adrenaline. Been there, still can't get past it but time and distance helps. Blaming your inability to stay 25 forever can't possibly.

wasn't supposed to be a smack but I hope I landed something up side the head for ya

Or go blow some stuff up or shoot stuff....remind yourself that its not "were" its "are" a badass.
thanks Freida, I will take that to heart today, I am lifting heavy shit up a ladder later on. Older I get the better I was at this........
 

Starfire

Confident
If you are looking for work but not in a hurry and not taking it too seriously just yet, there has never been a better time to go to a temp agency and job shop. Maybe nothing that fits your skill set, maybe nothing that sparks an interest, but an ability to just say no thanks, may I have another? whenever you need a change. I kind of hope I can do it after retirement a little, beats the hell out of

Maybe you find a job where a skill you have is needed and maybe down the road needed somewhere else in their organization that doesn't drown every winter and (lately) burn every summer.

witnessing an emergency from afar and having the skills to save lives but not the access is HARD, watching it on the news is hard, doing it without the time/distance/electronics buffer between is HARDER. Nothing but surmountable (at one time) obstacles between you and where you are needed is evidently enough to get you started down the spiral of woulda shoulda coulda, blaming yourself at every turn. Knock that shit off, let yourself have the buffer of time and distance that was also thrown your way, it wasn't going to happen, you never had an opportunity to help, just the skills and the need/desire/adrenaline. Been there, still can't get past it but time and distance helps. Blaming your inability to stay 25 forever can't possibly.

wasn't supposed to be a smack but I hope I landed something up side the head for ya
Great idea. I got a temp job at a company I'd applied for in another department. Got to know people in my preferred department. Got a job. Another time got sent to a company I didn't know much about. It was a better fit for me especially as my supervisor there also had PTSD.
 
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