I am alive. :smile: Those of you that have been trying to get a hold of me, I'm sorry I haven't responded. I have been busy, but mostly it's because I'm deep in thought and quite distracted. I feel that I can't expose myself to some of the ptsd stuff right now. It's hard for me to be reminded how painful that journey was. I know it's selfish because those of you that are going through it still need support from us that have already gone through it, but I'm finding that I don't have any emotional energy left to support anyone else. Please understand.... I need to be in a good place mentally and emotionally before this baby decides to make it's arrival. I'm still dealing with fear and confidence issues that come up when I think of myself being in labor. At times, I think that I must be quite crazy to think this much about this, but my last two births were prior to the memories returning. It has been a difficult journey trying to find the perfect birth attendant and I'm still struggling where to have this baby. I was already kicked out of one practice for refusing certain protocols! So, I guess I've become withdrawn. I don't think this is bad though. It's nesting to a new level. I'm trying to only surround myself with people who are supportive and happy and I'm trying to limit my exposure to negative energy. (Anyone think I'm a bit nuts yet?) Lately, I have been stressed out because the baby has been showing signs of coming too early. So far so good as the contractions have eased up a bit. I really don't want to walk into a hospital unless I have to. So, I'll be doing some resting. I have been keeping track of how many contractions per hour and exactly what I'm eating, and what kind of activity I've been doing (per midwife's request) Overall, I'm doing really well. My anxiety has been under control. The midwife is starting to wean me off Wellbutrin and starting me on some herbs that will be more beneficial to the baby, especially once I start nursing. My sleep is only interrupted when I have to pee, so very minor compared to a nightmare! And I'm staying healthy by eating well, resting, and getting gentle exercise everyday. Please don't worry about me! I'm good! I'll keep you guys updated through this forum. Baby is due mid to late August.