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Relationship I Initiated Space For My Ptsd Boyfriend Need Advice And Just Where To Go For The Future

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emz315

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Hi there,im new to this and im feeling quite low and confused lately. My partner has combat PTSD i have been with him nearly 12 months. He returned from his last deployment in late 2012. And i met him march 2014 I came into this knowing he had some sort of ptsd. As i could see the symptoms working in the field of mental health myself i could pick it up quite quickly. Ive never posted here before or been on a forum to help me.

My partner cannot be around crowds, likes to isolate himself, becomes very distant at times ( which causes me anxiety) and if i touch him he becomes so tense and jumpy as well as In bed. i sometimes have to ask for permission to just have a cuddle that can sometimes be even difficult to cope with and sometimes i walk on egg shells he trys so hard.

he has told me recently that i should just walk away so it doesnt hurt me and he wants me to be happy. Yet he knows that his the one that makes me happy and i keep saying this to him that i want to be there to do all i can. (Also understanding its a battle he has to get through himself He has not voiced to me he loves me but his a more actions speak more than words kind of guy I know deep down he wants me in his life and that he does love me because everytime i say it he says "i know" but i can see so much pain in his eyes.

I know previously he had a relationship during his last deployment which was about 12 months however half of that was him deployed in afgan. He mentioned that he had a girlfriend which she ended up getting so bad because of his ptsd that she nearly went to hospital. Im not sure why he has suddenly pulled away but could be the reason for previous issues ?etc.

Recently he told me the same situation "im hurting you i dont want to hurt you just walk away" yet he didnt voice to me he wanted me to leave etc. I just turned around and said that i want to be there for him and that i love him. He then voiced "well your going to do what you want anyway" (i can be stubborn) i noticed he was pulling away over the days after however still planning a few things but i was initiating the contact.

We had a wedding over the weekend just gone and he was "not there in his head and kept saying he was in such a bad headspace etc" im not sure if his scared i will be brought down like what happened to the previous girlfiend. Im a strong person and independent.. on saturday i could notice he wasnt in the right headspace i turned to him and said that he should of told me he didnt want to come and that i would have understood but he said to me that "i kept a promise and was going to push through" i then said and put my foot down "im going to do something for you and give you space" i also said that i would not communicate with him so he has this time and we arranged to get in contact again in 8 days. I said i love you and that he needed this because i didnt want to lose him and he promised he would talk to me the following sunday. He then left the wedding and i recieved a text saying "im home safe try and have a good night"

Tell you what i know im doing this for him but its hard on me im worried he will take this time and when it comes to sunday he wont call me i have so much fear and not sure if this was the right thing for me to do we parted fine had a very tense kiss and hug but then he did message me when he got home. i think he really appreciated me saying that he needed space. and im trying to focus on myself this week and not let it get to me take some time fir myself. Do you think if i havent heard from him on sunday it would be okay for me to call as we both agreed on it. ??
 
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It was hard for me to read your post because you didn't use I in capitals or punctuation. That is against the rules here in this forum.

PTSD is not something to get through. I don't understand or like that phrase. It sounds all wrong to me.

PTSD makes the sufferer self-isolate from others. I'm not sure you understand that. It's hard to tell from your post.

You haven't said he was actually diagnosed, and that doesn't mean he is not a sufferer, but without a diagnosis, you could be barking up the wrong tree entirely.

Just because you work in a field doesn't give you the expertise to know what diagnoses (could be more than one) he has. I have a particular issue with people thinking that they can recognize things, and not having the training to be sure. It's okay to guess, but get it checked by a real and objective Dr.

If you truly love someone, you want them to have expert diagnosis, objectively done, and you would not jump to conclusions and diagnose them and attempt to help them without professional guidance. That is a sign that you have overly high opinions of your ability to know what is wrong and how to help someone just based on symptoms alone. Can I ask, What are your qualifications? Even if you are a Dr. I think having an impartial Dr. do the Dxing is the only thing that would be ethical, don't you?

I think your post is showing your stated confusion. I'm sorry this is confusing to you, but your post is also very confusing to me to read, so I don't think I'm going to be too helpful.

Also, it sounds like you are assuming an inappropriate amount of information on your significant other, someone you care about. When I love someone, I try to get them the best professional help we can afford and find, and then I allow them to call the shots with that advice and what we're doing with it in our relationship; I don't try to fix them. I'm unclear about how you are helping him and as to what he even has as a diagnosis or issue. I think that would be a place to start to remove confusion.

It sounds like you are afraid of him not calling. You don't say why. I guess you're just worried because of what little you know?

You seem like a nice, caring person, but you may need time to figure out what you want and what you can offer someone and what limits you have to live with prior to jumping in so fast. I don't know, just a thought. Take it or leave it. I hope this is helpful to you. And welcome to the forum, and I hope you get your questions answered and good profession or the best help possible. You'll find lots of good ideas and support here.
 
That is against the rules here in this forum.
It is no longer against the rules, @Muse, but we do appreciate it when members ask other users to help make their posts readable.

@emz315, I did add paragraph breaks so others might be able to read it.
he has told me recently that i should just walk away so it doesnt hurt me and he wants me to be happy. Yet he knows that his the one that makes me happy and i keep saying this to him that i want to be there to do all i can. (Also understanding its a battle he has to get through himself He has not voiced to me he loves me but his a more actions speak more than words kind of guy I know deep down he wants me in his life and that he does love me because everytime i say it he says "i know" but i can see so much pain in his eyes.
You mentioned you are in the mental health field - so you should recognize the cognitive distortion of mind-reading. I'm challenging how you can know he wants you in his life and loves you if all he keeps telling you is to walk away, and has never said he loves you?

I think you are setting yourself up for a very dysfunctional relationship situation here, and I'd recommend you take the 8 days to actually give yourself space too. Stop ruminating on him. And at the end, call him if you want, but I'd say if he doesn't call you then you have your answer.
 
Hi Muse,

My apologies in relation to spelling and punctuation i have mild dyslexia.

and apologies this has confused you my partner has been diagnosed with PTSD and depression by professionals. He currently sees a specialised psychologist through the military that assists him ( which at times he feels they do not help him or the sessions are not frequent enough).

My qualifications are mental health nurse and Aquired brain injury and mental health specialist.

Im afraid he wont call because its my own fear i guess. I am on this forum just to learn more and understand what others may be experiencing being with a combat vet and to ask questions so i can understand when he does withdraw and isolate from me.

I do appreciate your comments however :) and will try better to explain.
 
Mmmm - I can see a lot of myself and my situation in your post.

I met my partner in early 2013. He was medically retired with 100% disability due to his PTSD in late 2010. He was up front with me about this when we met. I am not a mental health professional, but my father has combat PTSD acquired before I was born so I thought I knew what I was dealing with... Sigh!

I too have to ask if I can have a cuddle and although he never actually says no, sometimes he will pretend he hasn't heard me, or change the subject or pick up something else. The most hurtful is when he scoops his dog into his lap and says "But I'm nursing Fido." (The dog is a large security dog not a lapdog!)

My vet has told me numerous times that I would be better off without him and he should just go or disappear. He says he is a terrible person and I deserve better.

I don't know how old you and your vet are or what you want from the relationship. All I can tell you is that its hard going.

I think it would be fine to call him at the time agreed upon as the end of the "space" period. But it may be that he is not ready for a relationship right now. My strong advice is - do not stay hoping it will get better. If how it is right now is not acceptable to you then end it.

Feel free to PM me if you would like.

Hugs!
 
That's okay, emz315. I have number dyslexia issues, reversing numbers often. I have not been diagnosed because I was able to overcome it on my own to tolerable levels. I have a lot of respect for those who have dyslexia and continue to write. I appreciate that you are using a forum and not letting it get the best of you in life. That helps me appreciate your efforts, so thank you.

Like Joeylittle said, it seems that more questions need to be asked. Perhaps your relationship is just getting started and it's not feeling like it's time to ask questions. But I think there is more you want to know without prying, just to know this other person better to better be able to make a decision and to be appropriately kind and understanding. Is that right?

Good, I'm glad there was a formal diagnosis and treatment, and yes, it's probably not good enough with the therapy being offered. Probably, a good listener who is willing to read this forum and work in it would be a good support in addition to this treatment. But only if you know more what you're heading into and what his needs are.

That said, it's really common for those of us with PTSD to "push good people away" due to many reasons. I'm not a therapist or expert. But if my husband had listened when I told him to leave for his own good, we wouldn't be celebrating our 20 years together today! :) So I'm lucky that he saw through this weak pushing away that was ambivalent, like you said. You said he says go for your own happiness, but you make me happy. I am not convinced yet that only PTSD can do this to someone, (but I'm open to that suggestion if anyone here knows different) and I suspect that it comes from childhood of being neglected and emotionally abandoned by parents/caregivers, even if it is not obvious neglect or abandonment, it's there in these kinds of statements.

If you have a strong emotional intelligence swimming skill set and can handle the deep emotional undertow of PTSD, then you can help me over the years to recover, if he wants to. I think love is a strong motivator to "want to" be a better person for the one you love. Time will tell. I wish you both luck in seeing what will happen.
 
@Muse - I'm no therapist but my vet has very loving parents and a secure happy childhood. A total of ten years of active deployment across 6 different war zones means he now has PTSD and often says I should leave him and find someone else to make me happy because he knows he doesn't always treat me very well due to his PTSD. All I can do is reassure him that I love him and want to be with him.
 
Mmmm - I can see a lot of myself and my situation in your post.

I met my partner in early 2013. He was medically retired with 100% disability due to his PTSD in late 2010. He was up front with me about this when we met. I am not a mental health professional, but my father has combat PTSD acquired before I was born so I thought I knew what I was dealing with... Sigh!
!

Hi signs,

Thankyou for your reply

Its terrible to hear that he makes excuses not to cuddle sometimes it does not make sense mine just gets very tense and jumpy at times especially more when i initiate it not him.

Im wondering however if they say it would "be better to just walk away from this i dont want to hurt you" Why dont they just end it on the spot. And tell you to leave nd that its not going to work...My partner has not done this he just verbalises that he thinks i would be better off and gets a little distant etc... but i still stay and doesnt tell me to leave. then after that i initiated the space thing...

Im 28 and his 31 he is still currently enlisted and actually now teaches in IED

Im not ready to leave im just learning triggers and ways to approach it and giving him that time at the moment. if it is time to leave then i will know

Im on day 3/8 of no contact but im itching to flick him a text just to let him know im still here and that i will speak to him sunday. Do you reckon i could do this or because i initiated it shoukd i just leave it? He knows that i said i would talk to him in 8 days but it is hard. Alot can change which is what im worried about.

Emz
 
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I'm explaining this as best I can as a supporter. Any sufferers who can correct me or explain better please do! Especially combat PTSD sufferers because I think some of this stuff is military culture rather than PTSD. Is there a @FridayJones in the house? Or a @Santa_Laurie? Or a very busy @anthony? Sorry to call you guys out - I just know you've helped me so much with my understanding.

It can be hard for a "normal" person to understand but you have to think about the context. So... I can never spoon my vet when we are lying in bed at night. He will spoon me for a few minutes and then roll over. He likes to lie back to back. it feels safe. Someone literally "has your back". He has spent plenty of nights on deployment sleeping with a buddy out in the field back to back. Spooning on the other hand... that feels like being grabbed from behind. That feels incredibly unsafe. So I can't do that. Not because he is being difficult, but because it may trigger a flashback and I may get hurt if he reacts to protect himself from the person grabbing hold of him from behind.

Cuddling feels to you and me like affection and comfort. To them it may feel like being restricted, restrained or just an invasion of personal space. I've learnt not to ask very often and after a little while he will come looking for me and give me a cuddle.

Sigh! I'm guessing your man doesn't want to end it. If he did he would have. But... he knows / thinks that he is not always a very nice person. He is worried that he may feel overwhelmed and lash out or isolate. He knows either of those things will hurt you. He doesn't know if you / the relationship can cope with his PTSD. He's worried it will all end in tears. So... he wonders why you don't just leave him now... maybe he thinks if you knew all the things he's had to do you would leave... If he doesn't like himself much why would you like him? All you can do is reassure him.

Don't contact him until the 8 days are up. Then its time to see how you both feel and whether the relationship is worth continuing with. Good luck!
 
Sighs,

I think you have it spot on there very much my partner he has said to me before " if you knew what was going through my head you wouldnt stay" but thats upto him to tell me. I know a few things.

How can you spot triggers and what are the most frequent ones with ptsd? And maybe some suggestions of places that may be best to stay away from and saves ne from suggesting anything that may cause distress.

He said to me the other day at the wedding, (i have my back to people i dont know anyone or whats happening behind me and could tell this was effecting him)

Im always reassuring him but i guess sometimes i ask the wrong questions where he can get a little uncomfortable at times. For example. Why do you need to sit so far away from me?.....im not your enemy im here to support you.... which he does bute back with that comment sometimes or says that i dont need support etc etc...
 
How can you spot triggers and what are the most frequent ones with ptsd? And maybe some suggestions of places that may be best to stay away from and saves ne from suggesting anything that may cause distress.

They're different for everybody based on their own particular traumas... that's what makes it so hard to avoid them. It can be a smell, a sound, a sight, a person, sudden movement, or something random. You just don't know unless they tell you, or until they get triggered. The most random things sometimes... I threw a cardboard box away "wrong" once and my vet was triggered. The way it was laying reminded him of the trash covering an IED. Not my fault, not his... just happened.

With that being said... just generally with my vet, we avoid crowds, anything with loud sudden noises, sitting with a back to the room, babies screaming, and anywhere that smells of diesel fumes. It's hard to control everything though. For instance, he usually does great at the VFW, but we went once and somebody emptying a trash can dropped the lid with a BANG flat on the floor, and he about jumped out of his skin, all the color drained out of his face, and he had to go get sick.

It is probably easier overall to just learn to be very very very flexible and very very chill. Get good at changing plans at the last minute, going to social obligations alone, and slipping out of places quietly. It just happens and you learn to roll with it.
 
It is probably easier overall to just learn to be very very very flexible and very very chill.
Chill is a very good word here. Key in any relationship I have. I feel horrible for the person I am with if I happen to react to something which changes plans. That converts into 'why do you even hang out with me?' I don't feel like a bad person, just a person that is too much trouble for others to be around. So I swing between, 'okay this person can deal with me' to my projecting my own self loathing of my skewed reactions onto the other person.

Speaking from my own PTSD experiences, I often times will say 'why don't you find a normal person, it would be so much easier for you' is, in my mind, offering the other a gift. The gift of not having to deal with me. It allows the other an 'easy and with permission' way out because I know that these are good people around me and that they are probably conflicted inside with 'jeez this is so much work' and 'but I cannot abandon Shimmerz'. Lord knows, I wish someone would hand me an out. I would grab it in an instant!

The thing is, it is humiliating to not be able to do normal stuff, and the effort it takes to look at all scenarios when planning something is just hell. No wonder so many of us isolate. I don't want anyone I love or care about to have to deal with my issues, and by association they do. I also worry about secondary trauma in my friends. That they might get it.

It is all based on love but love to normal people usually means close contact. To a PTSD'er it may be that the greatest gift they feel they can give is the act isolating for the sake of others (and ourselves because it hurts to know we are causing grief to others). That makes us feel like we are bad although we are actually not. We care. See the conflicts here? The meaning of the word love and how it can mean different things depending on the situation. This is why things get so confusing.

Chill comes when someone in our circle realizes that it isn't personal. It is simply the inner battles that we fight second by second, minute by minute, day by day.....well, you get the drift.

Oh, and leave it for 8 days. Always stick to your words. You and he both need consistency and by contacting earlier will just lead to chaos on both sides. That never works out well.
 
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