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I just can't talk today...

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Druidcat

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I'm not sure what this is, but I have these days where I just can't talk. It's not that I'm trying to be rude. I'm not mad. I just feel shutdown. My coworkers don't understand and think I'm a jerk. I don't think I've said more than four words all week. And I'm not even sure why. I just feel like a robot, like I'm just doing my work, in silence and then I leave. I can't talk, my brain won't let me. I feel it's some sort of avoidance. Does anyone else get this?
 
How hydrated and sleep deprived you are on average?

(I totally find healthy lifestyle does a lot in being able to express ideas clearly. Things get slurred and tangled out on no sleep and such. Think glitches of the moment may be as much to blame or more than underlying perma pathology.)
 
Yep. In a few different ways.

I. Survival Mode
II. Depression
III. Dissociating / Can’t focus
IV. Selective filter malfunction
V. First rule of fight club

I. Sports metaphor, to keep things in happy-land... (this one gets long, because it’s the most present in my life, the others are short blurbs).

I don’t carry on a conversation whilst racing a ball downfield, dodging in and out amongst other players, and diving for it. All of my concentration is locked in the moment; in the thousands of intersecting movements, moments, variations as I hurtle from point A to point B. Same when I’m flinging myself down a mountain, twisting a dive, or any of other countless Be Here Now split second timing things.

In sports it’s called being in “the zone”. In life or death moments it’s survival mode.

It’s part adrenaline, part pure unadulterated magic. :happy:

And it’s part of why the “live in the moment” bullshit pisses me off. :shifty:

Because living in the moment? Makes normal life incrediably freaking impossibly hard. One NEEDS a past and a future to build off of and work towards. Take that away? No future, no past, nothing but right now? It makes surviving easy, but living hard. I have no idea why I get stuck in survival mode for no damn reason. It’s super useful in an emergency. It makes normal life :wtf::banghead::arghh; But it happens. Especially when I’m stressed, or my anxiety is running hot, or it’s been very boring lately (& I haven’t been burning off excess energy). But it also just strikes out of a clear blue sky for no reason whatsoever. And one of the -many- side effects is that I can’t talk, or struggle to talk and can in no way carry on a conversation.

II. Depression is relatively new for me. I haven’t been able to wrap my head around it at all, much less come up with work around, solutions, tips tricks, basic understanding. One of the things that happens when I’m depressed, though, is I stop talking. I also stop thinking, which might be part of that. It’s too much effort. Everything is too much effort.

III. Zonig out (disassociation) seems pretty obvious, talking wise. It’s hard to carry on a conversation with someone I’m not even super aware of is standing in front of me talking to me. Or when there’s nothing between my ears but fog, no matter how clearly I am aware of what’s going on around me. Huh? What? Oh. Sure. Right. Yeah.

IV. Selective filter malfunction means that I’m not really in control / don’t trust myself to talk... because I’m saying too much, or too little, or wildly off topic. The floodgates simply open, and everything comes tumbling out, or a whole lot of awkward nothing. No idea. It’s just an on/off switch and look out! So I zip it. :speechless: until my discretion & judgement comes back.

V. This is mostly avoidance. When what’s on my mind are things I cannot or do not talk about? I don’t say shit. Even if I want to. Nope. Huh-uh. Not gonna happen. I’m trying hard not to even think about it, much less talk about it. But it doesn’t leave a lot of room for other topics. Probably the best way I can explain it is a character in a film does some kind of Hollywood oo7 mission impossible thing over the weekend, shows up at their 9-5 on Monday, and when asked how their weekend was? Fine. What did you do? Oh, you know. The usual. <<< Clipped answers, mind elsewhere. >>> When I’m doing well-ish I can compartmentalise and launch into conversation about their weekend, life, the universe, everything... but when I’m doing badly it’s ljke my brain is stuck on the one topic I’m not allowed to talk about. Clearly, this one is related to selective filter malfunction. But instead of my mouth not having a filter, it’s like my brain doesn’t have a filter.
 
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