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I just need someone to care.

Thread starter #1
No one can just sit with me in these feelings except my therapist. I already see her twice a week but I feel so alone in between. Even my partner just gets really overwhelmed hearing about my abuse. My life, my memories, they make people uncomfortable. I just want someone who listens without running away or shutting down or trying to "tactfully" change the subject.

I was never allowed to feel as a child. I was never allowed to have needs, to cry, to be hurt or sick. I was just told I was "fine", and then yelled at for being so selfish. I so badly want to believe that the whole world isnt that way, that there are people who really would listen to me and believe me and love me. But every time I end up reaching out, I regret it. I think they must hate me, must be annoyed by me, they want to shut up and go away.

I just want someone to hear my stories and say, that f*cking sucks. I am so sorry. That must have been really hard. No one should have treated you that way. I love you. Its going to be okay.
 
Thread starter #5
How are you doing today?
Better than yesterday. I was pretty deep into a flashback for most of the day. Hopeful I can get some work done today and hold it together until my Therapy apt tonight. Thank you.

I am here for you, as we all are on these forums. Tell us your story. We listen, we care. What you have told us so far, sounds awful. I'm sure there's plenty more to tell. Feel free to tell it all. You might want to write a Trauma Diary down in that section of the forum. But feel free to tell us here, if that is better for you.
I have little bits and pieces before. If I get the energy and courage I'll post some stories that have been coming up for me.
 
#7
I’ve found, oddly enough, that when I feel that way? It’s the single best indicator that I am durn well surrounded by people who care... but they aren’t caring in the “right” way, the way I want them to; so it’s like my mind slashes a sword through them all, & declares myself alone.

I’ve learned, that’s a gift & a strength, if I take it as such. When I’m truly alone? I don’t need anyone else, because I have myself. And I adapt, rather quickly, into being the person I need myself to be. At THAT point? When I am the person I want to be in my life? Other people become amazing and astounding, delightful and fascinating; rather than lacking & missing ...something.. quite profound. I can truly appreciate them as they are, because I’m not looking to them to fill a hole in myself. It doesn’t mean they’re perfect, by any means... but I’m also no longer attempting to use them as a crutch or band aid. So instead of wishing they were someone they weren’t? Wanting to use them to fill in my holes, tape up my broken pieces back together? I get their TRUE strengths, who they actually are, instead.

By being the person I want to rescue me? I’m not pushing others away, declaring them unfit/unworthy/wrong. The opposite. I am suddenly surrounded by a myriad of gifts. People who help, each in their own way, just by being themselves.

But first? I have to become the person I want in my life.

Feeling alone, when I’m not alone? Is the single biggest tell I have that I’m not who I want to be, not who I need to be, and that it’s time to set myself at those goals. ((Or I can just be pissed off, miserable, and lonely... done that plenty of times, too. I just try and avoid self-pity as much as humanly possible. Pity parties can be cathartic, intermittent sulking has its place, but pitiable lives are not.))

To be excruciatingly clear... I am not talking about you. In any way. I am simply sharing lessons learned in my own life, in similar situations. AKA not telling you what you are, where you are, what to do, or what you need. Just sharing my own life & patterns which may or may not apply.
 
Thread starter #8
I’ve found, oddly enough, that when I feel that way? It’s the single best indicator that I am durn well surrounded by people who care... but they aren’t caring in the “right” way, the way I want them to; so it’s like my mind slashes a sword through them all, & declares myself alone.

I’ve learned, that’s a gift & a strength, if I take it as such. When I’m truly alone? I don’t need anyone else, because I have myself. And I adapt, rather quickly, into being the person I need myself to be. At THAT point? When I am the person I want to be in my life? Other people become amazing and astounding, delightful and fascinating; rather than lacking & missing ...something.. quite profound. I can truly appreciate them as they are, because I’m not looking to them to fill a hole in myself. It doesn’t mean they’re perfect, by any means... but I’m also no longer attempting to use them as a crutch or band aid. So instead of wishing they were someone they weren’t? Wanting to use them to fill in my holes, tape up my broken pieces back together? I get their TRUE strengths, who they actually are, instead.

By being the person I want to rescue me? I’m not pushing others away, declaring them unfit/unworthy/wrong. The opposite. I am suddenly surrounded by a myriad of gifts. People who help, each in their own way, just by being themselves.

But first? I have to become the person I want in my life.

Feeling alone, when I’m not alone? Is the single biggest tell I have that I’m not who I want to be, not who I need to be, and that it’s time to set myself at those goals. ((Or I can just be pissed off, miserable, and lonely... done that plenty of times, too. I just try and avoid self-pity as much as humanly possible. Pity parties can be cathartic, intermittent sulking has its place, but pitiable lives are not.))

To be excruciatingly clear... I am not talking about you. In any way. I am simply sharing lessons learned in my own life, in similar situations. AKA not telling you what you are, where you are, what to do, or what you need. Just sharing my own life & patterns which may or may not apply.
Thank you for sharing. I am working on being kinder to myself because I struggle with a lot of self hatred and self deprecation. I know those thoughts are just what was fed to me as a kid but it's hard to break those patterns. Unfortunately due to COVID I am spending every day by myself at home, so feeling lonely and all that it triggers has been a real struggle. Trying to find ways to remind myself that I'm not *totally* alone, that I have friends I can call or zoom. It's just hard.
 
#9
Thank you for sharing. I am working on being kinder to myself because I struggle with a lot of self hatred and self deprecation. I know those thoughts are just what was fed to me as a kid but it's hard to break those patterns. Unfortunately due to COVID I am spending every day by myself at home, so feeling lonely and all that it triggers has been a real struggle. Trying to find ways to remind myself that I'm not *totally* alone, that I have friends I can call or zoom. It's just hard.
I live alone too, so I can relate to some of this. Have you seen the What to Do When Bored in the SOCIAL section here? That might give you some ideas on how to keep your mind busy and off of what bothers you. It's been helping me.
 
Thread starter #10
I live alone too, so I can relate to some of this. Have you seen the What to Do When Bored in the SOCIAL section here? That might give you some ideas on how to keep your mind busy and off of what bothers you. It's been helping me.

Reading through it now. Great resource, thank you. I have a lot of work to do for school so I actually don't have too much free time. But these are great ideas of ways to fill the lows with more "grounded" experience than just staring into space.

A lot of it is just learning to be comfortable working in a quite space alone . I usually go to coffee shops, the library, anywhere to avoid being by myself when working. Otherwise the emotions take over and I cant focus. Music helps some.
 
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