Hello everyone. I am a 20 year old woman and recently lost my father to stage 4 pancreatic cancer. From his diagnosis to his passing was only four months, and I am still reeling. When he was diagnosed I really stepped up. I dropped my college classes (and was dismissed from financial aid because of it) and did everything for him and my two grandparents who he was taking care of prior. I coordinated doctors appointments, took everyone to said appointments, solely dealt with insurance for everyone and had to get my father his medical insurance as soon as he received his diagnosis. I was with him fully. I paid bills, did grocery shopping and took care of the dog, listened to 4am phone calls where my daddy was just crying and scared out of his mind. I cleaned up after him when he got sick on himself and had to watch him wither away and deteriorate. I was with him the night he passed and it was horrific. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD at 17 for past trauma, and when he died on October 17th I have had nightmares daily about it and feel it was triggered again, when I had been coping very well beforehand. They are drawn out dreams of his decline, they make me wake up sobbing and there is nothing my wife can really do to comfort me. I am no stranger to nightmares, but these are mostly memories that become more and more disfigured as the days go on. None of my friends understand this grief, and how truly heavy it is. How it permeates every aspect of who I am. I have bipolar disorder as well and this was particularly hard to handle because for most of this process I was unmedicated. I am now medicated, but the dosage is still being tweaked. I always feel hollow and am prone to constantly crying. I miss him so much it takes my breath away and makes me want to scream. I think of him and the memories we shared non-stop. I always think of him next to me when I go through my day. Does anyone else have similar experiences/ have any advice? I have a good therapist but just feel so lost. I don't want to leave the house ever but am still taking care of my grandparents so I do for them.