i will be OK. I keep telling myself that . I am positive self talking myself like crazy! I want to feel "normal" I want to feel comfortable with a man again in a healthy way and stop thinking about this rape, assault and terrorism. I want him to understand and he is trying, have not gone into details but enough to know why I react sometimes the way i do with the shaking, mistrust, insomnia, hypervigilence, catastrophizing things and the fact that i have to try and really work hard to make each day more tolerable. He also told me if he hears me being negative towards myself he would point it out, He is just such a caring, understanding person. Deep down i still feel like maybe I am not good enough? There are so many other people out there with not this baggage, i just don't want to get hurt again. mentally, physically, sexually or other. Ihope I can do this. i want to but i still have that doubt hanging over my head. I just want to feel happy, safe and secure and beleive that iam good enough. I told him i don't have expectations from him but i do intend to be happy and to be treated with respect and dignity and i just want him to be nice to me. No yelling, hitting, screaming, punching etc, etc. God only gives us what we can handle. I hope that works in my favour this time, I am worried that I am going to get hurt but i have no red flags so I will keep going and see where this takes us. Thank you for taking the time to read my latest vent. i have been up for a long time now. i need to rest. maybe tomorrow i will feel more optimistic. i just have to. i am a good person and i know i deserve to be happy! Thank you everyone here on this forum! The support i have gained here has helped me to put things into perspective. At least ithink i am trying my best i just have to continue the trauma therapy and it can only make me stronger!!!!