I love you and I hate myself

You were mad at me because I went out dancing with my girls the night before and we ended up dancing together with a gay couple.

You yelled at me over the phone, banged your hands on your desk, and threw your tv remote across the room. I was terrified of your rage.

After fighting for some time on the phone you assured me that all was forgiven and you were not mad anymore. I believed you.

The next day at my house, in my room, you told me you loved me as we had sex. I said it back.

We finished and were next to each other on the bed.

You grabbed my shoulder and squeezed it tightly. "What happened last night though huh?" I can still hear you in my ear, like the hiss of a snake.

I try to tell you that it was just innocent dancing and that it didn't mean anything. You don't care because you already knew what you were going to do next.

You smack me across the face with full force before I can finish my sentence. I wince and grab my cheek and in shock I say "did you just hit me?"

I still remember your eyes in that moment as you told me to "Shut the f*ck up" and proceeded to punch me in the face. Dead and cold.

I am winded by the impact of your fist and knocked onto my side. Your hand follows to shove me even further into the mattress nearly smothering me.

When you finally let me go I turn away from you and face the wall. I detached myself from my body at that moment. All I could think was "did that just happen?"

You wrap your arms around me and tell me you love me, that you are sorry and that you didn't mean to. "Come on baby" You hoax me into a hug and explain how you are dealing with a lot and how messed up you are inside. I stay silent and caress your back.

Later on in the same night, all is forgotten and I feel safe in your arms. We were listening to music and singing along together. I am smiling. You loved me and you were sorry.

You grab my neck in the middle of the song and push me down onto the mattress on my stomach. You hold my neck and arms down so I cannot move and you rape me from behind. My head was turned and you looked at me with the same dead and cold eyes. I still remember the exact song playing and every time it comes on I feel paralyzed.

This was the first or last time you hit, choked, or raped me. This happened quite often actually but we were in love right. You loved me and I loved you, therefore it was okay.

I hate myself because of you. I hate that I still have any shred of love for you after all the things you did to me. I hate that I let myself be manipulated by you. I hate myself because I find myself asking "well maybe I shouldn't have gone out dancing". I hate myself for trying to excuse your behavior with your childhood trauma.

I love you and I hate myself.
 
How am I supposed to stay in this room when I am surrounded by all the trauma? The bed where I sleep is also the same bed where you choked me till the point of passing out. My pillows are the same ones you used to shove my head into when you raped me. My dresser is the same dresser you pinned me up against. I can't escape you, you are everywhere.
 
Yet I still find myself reminiscing on the good times. The times when we would laugh together and pick music for each other. I still remember when you got me those concert tickets and when you ordered me my favorite foods. You were so nice at times. You made me believe that you loved me. I was so naive and ignored all the red flags. I just wanted to be loved because I was in a dark place. But you knew that and took advantage of me anyways.
 
5 AM thoughts:

FFFFF YOUUUUUU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME. I HATE THIS BODY I AM TRAPPED IN. YOU MADE ME FEEL GROSS AND USED LIKE A TOY. YOU CONSTANTLY CRITICIZED ME AND TOLD ME I WASN'T ENOUGH. I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE BURDEN OF KNOWING WHAT YOU DID TO ME AND KNOWING THAT YOU WILL GO WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE FOR IT. I HATE MYSELF. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND YELL AT YOU LIKE YOU DID TO ME. I WANT YOU TO FEEL THE PAIN YOU PUT ME THROUGH. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING SO f*ckING STUPID AND NAIVE. WHYYYYY DID YOU HAVE TO COME INTO MY LIFE? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? ALL I KNOW NOW IS THE HELL YOU PUT ME THROUGH. THE ABUSE CONSTANTLY REPLAYS IN MY MIND DAY BY DAY. IM SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO SHOW ANY OF MY ANGER. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP MY LUNGS.
 
I have to start accepting that I will never get the closure I need from him. He will never apologize for or acknowledge the abuse he put me through. I want to isolate myself more and more. I am embarrassed with myself. I hate myself.
 
I don't know how to deal with this any longer. I am weak. I can't do this any longer. Its all becoming too much to handle. I feel like I am going to physically and mentally explode.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @bluedreamdaydream , just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, and you can do this.
When I feel the way you are expressing in these posts, my T tries and gets me to see who was responsible for what happened to me. Because (I think, I haven't worked this through entirely yet) she wants me to turn that shame and blame from me (not responsible) to the person who caused the issues (where the shame and blame should lie).
 
Hiii @Movingforward10
Thank you for that piece of advice from your T.
I often find myself feeling ashamed of myself for getting myself into such a terrible situation. But I didn't "get myself into" it, I could not have known how abusive he would be. And he shouldn't be abusive in the first place. It is his fault.

I still find myself asking if he is at fault why isn't he the one who is miserable and suffering right now? He legitimately believes he did nothing wrong and still walks around on his high horse, continuing the cycle with other girls, consequence free. While I sit at home every night reliving the hell he put me through. It is so unfair and it makes it worse that there is nothing I can do to change it. I just have to deal with it like I dealt with the abuse. Makes me think all that stuff about karma and receiving what you put out is bs. I gave nothing but love and kindness and all I got back was hurt and pain. Its just hard for me to comprehend why I deserve that. ?
 
I am going to take control of my trauma. I finally spoke with my therapist and it felt soooo good to tell someone what he did to me and tell them how much its been affecting me. She already has given me things to do to help take that control back. She told me part of the reason I feel the way I do is because the trauma has been controlling me the past few months. She is so right, I have felt like a slave to my trauma and memories, always worrying when I might be triggered next and living with this fear inside me. Also the fact that the abuse took place in my room, its like my safe place has been taken away from me.

I am going to take control though. I am going to start taking the steps to heal better and cope with this better. Starting therapy again is already one step in the right direction. I am in control now. He has no power over me. I will move on and up.
 
I was badly triggered today after cleaning out my closet. I found an item that I had used around the time I was with my ex and forgot about. I stood there and it felt like the room shifted and I was back under him again, being assaulted. It was like I could physically feel it all over again. I had to pinch myself and tell myself I was in the present. It was the worse one I've had in a while because it was new. I often get memories/flashbacks of the abuse in fragments and its hard to piece them together.I went on with my day pretty well. I didn't dwell on it which I tend to do. I try to tell myself its not what happens to me but how I react that matters. I've found this helpful because I get angry outbursts a lot as well. The smallest thing will go wrong or be out of place and I throw immense fits of rage. My T says its because I had my control taken away from me while I was in the relationship and I was never allowed to express my anger or frustration.
Overall I am coping pretty okay right now. I have had darker days but I am not 100% either. Writing about it helps a whole lot.
 
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