blissfuldaydreams
Learning
You were mad at me because I went out dancing with my girls the night before and we ended up dancing together with a gay couple.
You yelled at me over the phone, banged your hands on your desk, and threw your tv remote across the room. I was terrified of your rage.
After fighting for some time on the phone you assured me that all was forgiven and you were not mad anymore. I believed you.
The next day at my house, in my room, you told me you loved me as we had sex. I said it back.
We finished and were next to each other on the bed.
You grabbed my shoulder and squeezed it tightly. "What happened last night though huh?" I can still hear you in my ear, like the hiss of a snake.
I try to tell you that it was just innocent dancing and that it didn't mean anything. You don't care because you already knew what you were going to do next.
You smack me across the face with full force before I can finish my sentence. I wince and grab my cheek and in shock I say "did you just hit me?"
I still remember your eyes in that moment as you told me to "Shut the f*ck up" and proceeded to punch me in the face. Dead and cold.
I am winded by the impact of your fist and knocked onto my side. Your hand follows to shove me even further into the mattress nearly smothering me.
When you finally let me go I turn away from you and face the wall. I detached myself from my body at that moment. All I could think was "did that just happen?"
You wrap your arms around me and tell me you love me, that you are sorry and that you didn't mean to. "Come on baby" You hoax me into a hug and explain how you are dealing with a lot and how messed up you are inside. I stay silent and caress your back.
Later on in the same night, all is forgotten and I feel safe in your arms. We were listening to music and singing along together. I am smiling. You loved me and you were sorry.
You grab my neck in the middle of the song and push me down onto the mattress on my stomach. You hold my neck and arms down so I cannot move and you rape me from behind. My head was turned and you looked at me with the same dead and cold eyes. I still remember the exact song playing and every time it comes on I feel paralyzed.
This was the first or last time you hit, choked, or raped me. This happened quite often actually but we were in love right. You loved me and I loved you, therefore it was okay.
I hate myself because of you. I hate that I still have any shred of love for you after all the things you did to me. I hate that I let myself be manipulated by you. I hate myself because I find myself asking "well maybe I shouldn't have gone out dancing". I hate myself for trying to excuse your behavior with your childhood trauma.
I love you and I hate myself.
You yelled at me over the phone, banged your hands on your desk, and threw your tv remote across the room. I was terrified of your rage.
After fighting for some time on the phone you assured me that all was forgiven and you were not mad anymore. I believed you.
The next day at my house, in my room, you told me you loved me as we had sex. I said it back.
We finished and were next to each other on the bed.
You grabbed my shoulder and squeezed it tightly. "What happened last night though huh?" I can still hear you in my ear, like the hiss of a snake.
I try to tell you that it was just innocent dancing and that it didn't mean anything. You don't care because you already knew what you were going to do next.
You smack me across the face with full force before I can finish my sentence. I wince and grab my cheek and in shock I say "did you just hit me?"
I still remember your eyes in that moment as you told me to "Shut the f*ck up" and proceeded to punch me in the face. Dead and cold.
I am winded by the impact of your fist and knocked onto my side. Your hand follows to shove me even further into the mattress nearly smothering me.
When you finally let me go I turn away from you and face the wall. I detached myself from my body at that moment. All I could think was "did that just happen?"
You wrap your arms around me and tell me you love me, that you are sorry and that you didn't mean to. "Come on baby" You hoax me into a hug and explain how you are dealing with a lot and how messed up you are inside. I stay silent and caress your back.
Later on in the same night, all is forgotten and I feel safe in your arms. We were listening to music and singing along together. I am smiling. You loved me and you were sorry.
You grab my neck in the middle of the song and push me down onto the mattress on my stomach. You hold my neck and arms down so I cannot move and you rape me from behind. My head was turned and you looked at me with the same dead and cold eyes. I still remember the exact song playing and every time it comes on I feel paralyzed.
This was the first or last time you hit, choked, or raped me. This happened quite often actually but we were in love right. You loved me and I loved you, therefore it was okay.
I hate myself because of you. I hate that I still have any shred of love for you after all the things you did to me. I hate that I let myself be manipulated by you. I hate myself because I find myself asking "well maybe I shouldn't have gone out dancing". I hate myself for trying to excuse your behavior with your childhood trauma.
I love you and I hate myself.