Reply to thread

Message: <blockquote data-quote="lil_fighter" data-source="post: 1699403" data-attributes="member: 10548">I met a guy online and were long distance for three months to begin with. He was originally from the same city I live in but was finishing a university course in the north of the country. We really hit it off and it seemed like the perfect match. I helped him apply for a job and when he had his interview, we also had our first date on that day. It felt so positive when he got the job. I really liked him a lot but after one of our dates we ended up having a silly argument, he offended me with a tactless comment and I blocked him. Looking back it was silly but tactless of him. I was hyper-vigilant and overly sensitive to any "red flags" and not wanting to meet anyone like my dad but also trying to be hopeful that I would meet a good guy. A few months later, we reconnected and he apologised to me for being an "***hole". Around that time, I was working at an education project with young people, supporting those with learning difficulties and disabilities etc. I was working 1:1 with a teenager who had suspected mental health issues but none diagnosed. I kept warning my bosses that I was concerned as the boy had an obsession with sharp objects. Anyway long story short, I was in a situation where he tried to stab me and I moved out of the way. I left the job that same day. The workplace tried to convince me to come back but I chose not to. Financially it was tough but I managed to pick up agency work here and there. I was feeling low and very strange after that incident and in therapy, spoke about that but also blurted out that I had been sexually assaulted 8 years ago but had never told a soul. I had just carried on with life for those 8 year and struggled in silence. Perhaps being in a positions where my safety was compromised, it awakened something in me and I realised that I did give a damn about my safety. It triggered something massive.Putting on a smile and a brave face was my defence mechanism but it was a destructive one as I never settled and was always going from job to job, never settling and when it came to dating I made bad decisions. So when this guy was back in touch with me, I felt that I had to be upbeat and happy despite what had happened with my workplace. I didn't tell him anything. We went on a couple of dates and he was just as serious about a long term relationship (even marriage - we are from the same cultural background). I felt like I was slipping away and was slipping into depression. I was also studying part time at university and was always around people but felt so lonely - because I was slipping away. With my defences stripped (when I confided in my therapist) and no financial stability, I just felt a relationship was out of the question. The last time we met, I paid for his groceries and gave him a massage. He said he felt like a king, I felt guilty because I knew I couldn't cope with the relationship (it was still very new) and I could see he was very into me maybe that's why I felt obliged to make him feel special but I desperately wanted to connect at a time when I felt so disconnected and unlike myself. I ended it with the guy (again) and told him I thought we would be better as friends. He couldn't understand why. I couldn't tell him that I was struggling. It was just really bad timing. The right guy at the wrong time. Of course, I blocked him on everything again - major avoidance.Anyway, three years later I get an email from him. He said he still thinks of me and he just wanted to know the truth of why I ended it because he felt that I genuinely did care for him and it didn't make sense. Over the past three years I have qualified in the career I have always wanted to have, I have had a lot of therapy and all my friends and family say I am so settled and seem much happier which is true. I have also worked in the same job for the last 3 years helping others which has been rewarding. I feel like I want to explain to this guy what really happened back then. It is something I have always thought of doing and now I seem to have my chance as he has contacted me. I do feel terrible for the fact that he wanted a relationship and was so keen and I truly wanted the same but couldn't give him that. My therapist has said that I am being hard on myself as I was going through such a tough time and should not feel obligated but for me it just feels like the right thing to do. Not sure how to approach it though, maybe just explaining that I was going through a challenging time and that it was not personal to him. Seems such a lame excuse without going into details. I don't want anything from him, just to tell him what happened so that it puts closure on it for him. My brother did say this guy tried contacting him a few times on facebook. So he obviously wants to talk.</blockquote>

Name