"I must have all available information to be safe"

HealingMama

Sponsor
Did you have this belief? Did you change it? How?

When there is a problem triggered by relational trauma, I cope by gathering as much information as possible.

When others in my life are being unpredictable, I want information to feel safe.

Even in situations where I am asking for more information than the other person wants to give. Even in situations where the information is about the other person, but their actions affect me so I feel entitled to know.

I have a hard time accepting boundaries if those boundaries mean there is information on the other side of it that isn't being shared.

In the middle of being triggered by this, and wondering how others have handled it.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
I can relate. Even worse others have told me I believe there's something when there isn't and I just want new information to feel safe. This is different than your post. But I'm glad I'm not alone.

I'm really glad you posted.

My T tells me to challenge the thoughts I'm having about unknown or known information. Is it true? Or question further. Why do I feel unsafe? Sometimes the answer comes from a place we aren't expecting and it shuts down the whole desire for information.

Hope you the best
 

FauxLiz

Sponsor
@HealingMama I completely understand. I have issues with this as well. It goes back to my needing to be in control to feel safe. If I don't have all the information, I don't feel in control and therefore don't feel safe. I wish I could tell you that I have conquered this issue but I haven't. I struggle with other's boundaries on this competing with my need to know.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
Oh absolutely I struggle with this. it can be crippling not just in relationship situations but in purchasing decisions or any kind of decision making.

I THINK for me that accepting I am allowed to be as fallible as I allow others to be is helpful. And I think culture is not particularly forgiving of that in someways right now. So - expecting some misunderstandings and misspeaking/ miscommunications and being generous in interpretation and listening well and doing a delicate balance of not being over trusting…..

I think regarding ALL the information from others in particular it really helps me to remember people aren’t really reliable witnesses- they forget, they might ‘bend the truth’ they might frame things for best interpretation to their benefit or to protect others or focus blame unfairly. They might have their own unintentional trauma lens even. It might be partial truth to the point of not being whole picture / so gathering information might not really be that useful in determining my way forward.

That sounds tremendously untrusting ( spot the cpTSD anyone) 😂. But I also manage to believe the opposite - so people could be relating total fabrication or whole truth and I must hold space for both possibilities simultaneously but consider that most likely most people do an almost unconscious in the middle - some truth, some false- some true from a partial or restricted perspective .

I guess what this boils down to is at some point we have to go with evidence of our own experience. ( and for those who trust it - gut). I think a lot of ptsd recovery for me is learning what is gut instinct and what is trauma response because they feel very similar to me - instinctive reactions both.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Totally relate too and looking for all the information in this thread to understand it!!

My T says a lot "do you need to understand everything?". Erm. Yes T I do! For me I think it comes from: when you don't understand anything, because what's happening makes no sense, you got to learn to understand so you can predict risk and know how to behave to make it safe.

So sorry: no answers here at all, other than I get it.

I suppose the answer is tied up somewhere in understanding we're safe now and have autonomy now and the ability to communicate as an adult? Idk though.
 

HealingMama

Sponsor
@Defaultxlovee asking why I feel unsafe seems like a great way to get at this from the side. Thanks for that idea.

@FauxLiz definitely ties to the need to be in control. Except I don't really (consciously) want to control others. Just my own experience. Sometimes that might mean I'm basically trying to control others though.

@Mee definitely could use the idea that it's ok to be fallible just like others are. I also struggle with what's trauma response and what's gut instinct because they can feel the same.

@Sues definitely also a way to avoid surprises for me also.

@Movingforward10 yep I'm sure it's related to recognizing we are reacting to ghosts from the past, and if we aren't and the situation turns out to be unsafe we have resources to respond that we didn't have when the trauma happened.
 

Dartaniam345

New Here
i absolutely hate not having evry sngle informations i can get.
if people refuse to give them i often end up thinking they're planning to screw me.
sadly i've also received th etiquette of overthinker ina negative way, everytime i end up talking about plans for the future o talking in general, i always get dismissed as " you know how he is, don't give think avbout it".
so ye, i finally have a cause for this attitude of mine.
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
Even in situations where I am asking for more information than the other person wants to give. Even in situations where the information is about the other person, but their actions affect me so I feel entitled to know.

I have a hard time accepting boundaries if those boundaries mean there is information on the other side of it that isn't being shared.

there are a lot of information in your post but the above jumped at me.

In my perspective, your fear of not having enough information for safety is competing others' boundaries and their inner thoughts.
So it seems to me: you are afraid you do not have enough information to make a decision so rather than allowing that and finding other ways to soothe, it seems you may go overdetermine one someone else' boundaries to get the information you think you are missing. In essence, now you do not have the information you think you need and your action created even more unsafe cause the other person is bound to defend or close boundaries sort of proofing to you the fear and the unsafe you felt. It becomes quite complex situation.

By trying to break it down: I had similar experiences. I purchased two properties in one year and had similar experiences with real estate people (often thought they were lying or hiding shit) my husband (not believing what I am saying - again I felt he thinks I am overreacting), and others - the inspectors, friends - like why no one is concerned as I was!. Ultimately, I realized any decision I make is not life and death and sometimes taking time, I seem to find the information I need or the "need" or the "fear" of such missing information dissipates. For my inner work, I acknowledge that when I am triggered, I need the "urge" for immediate satisfaction for my needs and often taking time off even saying out loud, ooh boy I am heated, triggered and need time seems to cool me off. I do not change the reaction in me or at least I do not fight against it hard since it has its purpose sometimes, I just do not act out on it purposefully or try others to disempower me with their "perceived" calmness to my paranoia states.

I often focus on the experience rather than the feelings themselves to get a better view of the situation.

Little edit never hurt anyone!☺️
 

FauxLiz

Sponsor
Except I don't really (consciously) want to control others. Just my own experience
@HealingMama my intent is not to control others just me, I need to control my life and where I go and what I can in my life, it is that safety thing, without info I don't know what I don't know and can't "prepare for the worst"
why I feel unsafe seems like a great way to get at this from the side
This seems like a great way to maybe start looking at it, I know that generally now days I am safe, I just don't have that locked in to my conscious brain yet.
everytime i end up talking about plans for the future o talking in general, i always get dismissed as " you know how he is, don't give think avbout it".
@Dartaniam345 totally get this I am always chided for being an over planner, for planning things too far in advance etc. But my life has sort of beaten the spontaneity out of me.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry I hope this makes sense as I am hurrying, these are good responses. I do it too, and it's not helpful, but sometimes necessary.

This was in my mail box, maybe will be useful, as per trust.First I've ever heard of it. Hope link works.


Lol. I never saw re 1st date. Thought you're just supposed to hopefully have fun lol. And to me, trust is a longggg process.
 

LuckiLee

MyPTSD Pro
I thought this was a military thing because J sometimes asks a thousand questions if we're going somewhere new or out of town. He does it a lot. Drives me nuts sometimes because I don't always have the answers. And "I don't know, isn't an answer".

We deal with this all the time so thanks for posting. Do you feel that it happens more when you're symptomatic?
 
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