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I Need Advice On Dissociation

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TLight

MyPTSD Pro
Hi all,

I'm having some difficulties lately with interacting with my BFs family.

They are good people, mean no harm to anyone, are sort of 'simple' country folk and local here in the Pacific Northwest for many generations.

Imagine sort of a 'logger' family.......well, that's them. Great outdoorsmen, men are real men (which I adore about my BF) and they respect women.

Me being a Biologist by training and working in the regulatory field....we'll, lets just say that most of the time we just don't 'go there'.........and that's good.

Well, they also have a couple of 'tweaks' shall we say that has caused me to put up my guard, and the last time I noticed it is pretty much beyond my control that my guard is up.

They are sort of 'bigots'........and it makes me uncomfortable with all the 'chink' and 'token black' talk, etc..........but I can put it aside and my BF is not like that and is embarassed by them and says that they are old school and they can't help it. They truly mean no harm and I can tell. Still, it's causing my PTSD to kick in.

Also, they get to know you by 'teasing'.........I think most normal people would be OK with this. But this last time around them I notice I'm dissociating badly.........I can't come up with a come back........I'm wondering what they 'really' mean.......I'm just having a really difficult time staying present with them, whereas the first few times I was open and friendly and enjoyed their company............Now, I"m a mess.

I found myself yesterday fading away into the trees, taking something his brother said and trying to pick apart it's meaning later, watching out for any belittling. The fact that I'm dissociating is really bad, cause I come off as some kind of ditz.......or like I'm being rude and not wanting to converse further with them........I change the subject to talking about how nice their house looks, etc. Which is OK.........but I definately because of the 'pushing buttons' way of seeing what I"m made of has put me in a PTSD place.

I don't like this because my BF assures me I'm safe with them and that's just the way they interact...it is more comfortable for them. I'd be OK with it if I wasn't dissociating because I become a totally ditz.........

My BF and I talked and I know I'm safe with them..........but I don't think I'll be able to stop the dissociating now........it's a real drag and I can't get comfortable around them now.

Any advice? It's becoming a chore and I"m hating being so vulnerable, cause when I dissociate someone can be a real a*hole to me and I'd smile and thank them. Rob, the brother, after a couple of beers has already gone their a little bit, but BF says I will be OK and he will protect me when Rob has a couple.
But this is a drag............I feel the dissociation and I'm just not there with them..can't get to know them, can't enjoy the evening.........
I don't know how to stop it.
 
I dissociate with my own family so I know how that feels. I think it may be best if you go there less often and for only short visits. Come up with a signal with your BF so he knows when it's time to go. Have an excuse ready before hand or announce early on that you won't be staying too long.

Assuming you are in treatment for PTSD, hopefully this will get easier over time as you learn new coping skills. Dissociation is a coping skill but there are better ones out there.

If his brother starts drinking, I think you should just go. Seeing him pull the beer out of the fridge is probably enough to start your dissociation. Your BF sounds very understanding and it's good that he reminds you that you are safe, but if you feel real concern about your safety, whether logical or not, you need to remove yourself from the situation before it becomes harder and harder to deal with.

In my own experience, when I force myself to face a situation similar to yours repeatedly, it just gets to be harder and harder. I completely disconnect and little things, like them "teasing" you, become triggers for me. So again, my advice is lay low, only go for brief visits at a time and talk to your therapist about how to cope with these issues as they arise.
 
Racism, bigotry, and alcoholism -mmm, healthy! /sarcasm.

Nope. My brother doesn't mean any harm either - so I don't talk to him more than one or twice a year, if I can help it.

Ah yes, the good ol' boy 'teasing' to put you in your place, little girl! Smooth as molasses, they're gonna teach you where you fit in the clan - at the bottom, where all the other women go. Nothing harmless about a little redneck fun, eh? Think again. There's a reason why you're dissociating. Yeah, you're safe, except for the verbal abuse.

Advice? You gotta choose if you wanna stick around the backwaters and leave yourself open, or if you want healthy boundaries and say no thanks. Just reading your post made me angry - I wonder why...
 
Yeah; I could really get into my 'man-hating' mode in this issue...but I'm trying to separate out what is my 'stuff' and what are just normal differences in people.

But I'm sure on guard for any disrespect.

And I was thinking yesterday about the Father....short fat man syndrome my friend said.........he has all his past 'girl friends' attending to him through his open heart surgery.....my BF teases that it's his 'harem'.......

Sort of sickens me and I don't want to find myself in the same circumstances with my BF's ex of 20 years, who are still 'friends'.......
I don't really want to be forced to be 'friends' with her.......she is a part of his family now, therefore if I'm with him I have to accept that she's going to be at the family functions.
She called my BF the other day and asked how "I" was......I really don't want her knowing how I am. IN fact, I really don't ever want a relationship with her.

I mean, I'm glad they parted amicably and all. And I'm not a jealous persona and I can tolerate her showing up at Xmas........but I don't want to be a part of my BFs 'harem' in the future. I talked about my feelings with my BF and he said I need to talk to my therapist.

I shot back with, "I think MaryAlyce would be very proud that I"m expressing my feelings in a healthy manner and setting some boundaries about what I expect in our relationship."
I wonder how he'd feel if I developed a 'harem'.

I wonder where are all the men in his Father's life. Male friends are zippo.....just these three attending women who 'pretend' to all get along.

PErhaps the short fat man's ego can't handle other men.....has to boost his ego by surrounding himself with women as he pleases.

Yeah.......his family is definately an issue for me......

As I go into the kitchen, do my 'chores' since I"m not working right now and doll myself up for his return home..........

geez......don't know what to make of this one. I love this guy.....but the possible sexism and racism could be too much for me.
 
May I ask how long you've been together? The things you describe are deal breakers for me. If he's a really good friend to you, maybe that's all you should be???
 
Surviving;
Going on 8 months....there are so many pluses.....he treats me like a queen, talks, respects, wants to protect..........will do anything for me.

He really is a good man and he's embarrassed by his family at times and said he disconnected for the very same reasons I"m speaking to. I believe him. But he's back in due to the open heart and because he believes that it shouldn't be that way.

Plus, his Dad has helped him out and been good to his children. The way families should be........so he's 'being there' for him.

Perhaps this is just a case of agree to disagree and place clear boundaries.

I do like feeling like a woman for the first time in 43 years. He's the breadwinner, although I contribute. And I love to cook and cleaning is relaxing for me compared with dealing with all the a*holes in my field......male egos, you know.

But his ego isn't like that. He NEVER belittles me, EVER. It's very refreshing actually.

Urghh.........don't want to really have real relationships with his kin though. And definately not his ex!
 
You haven't known the guy very long - a few months, and yet there are many things to complain about. From the start, he's been a wonderful man and so on, yet there are so many issues. When issues bother us or get under out skin, we talk about it with others.

As PTSDers, we often have been abused for long periods of time and as such, make excuses for new people who don't treat us with respect. Our friends see the signs, as we continue to complain about the 'little things' while we praise the new partner for being 'a good man' etc... They become afraid to say anything, for fear of hurting our feelings. They know that we are yet again getting involved in a situation that may very well be unhealthy, as we repeat the common tactic of sweep-it-under-the-carpet.

I agree with Surviving - I'd walk away. If the man truly is as wonderful as you say he is, he'd actually stick up for you when dealing with his racist, bigotted, sexist family and tell them to STFU when they belittle you and try to bring you down to where they believe you belong - on the bottom, with all the other female servants.

In my relationship with Dr. Ex, there were red flags too, but I too, minimalized them because he was such a Great Loving Man for even being with a single mother and WOW, he spent time with the kidlet. The red flags are there for YOU, not him. Put yourself first and listen to your mixed feelings - what does it mean for you now and in the future, when you really get to know the guy and have seen his true colours.

In the end, nobody can tell you what to do, the choice is up to you. Hope everything works out, whatever happens.
 
Tlight,

My opinion is way different than the others........Personally I think that your man is a keeper. If, he is all of the things that you say he is, then he is a keeper.

His family on the other hand, have some issues. But, they are THEIR issues, not your BF's. If he doesn't behave like this, then there shouldn't be an issue. YOU are the one that has the issues, with their behavior, so I believe that it's up to YOU, to address his family, and have an honest face to face discussion and to try to come to some sort of compromise.

Be honest with your feelings, tell them how you feel, and see if it's possible to compromise. If they are not willing, then YOU do NOT have to associate with these people.
 
I don't know details about your relashionship, but sometimes is healthy to make a clear distinction between what the partner says and what the partner does.

Although actions should speak louder, sometimes we hear what they say without looking to what they do.

Take care.
 
Hi all.........
We talked again about this issue and I had a moment or two of ............run like heck.......which I've had a more than a few these past 8 months and my BF calms me, makes me feel safe and loved, gives me all the options I want..........and eventually I am able to listen and build more and more trust.

So I woke the next morning and the Fibro was real bad and the past was screaming at me......."Here you are building fence, doing dishes, cleaning house........his brother and family are obviously bigots and sexists, they probably think what your daddy did to you was 'no big deal and I should just get over it'..........if they ever knew."

Anyway, this stuff was 'screaming' in my head when I woke and I sent out to my care with a couple of national geographics and said I was going to sit next to the lake and read..........I also said something from my past that my brother has said when I was young, pregnant and my husband was cheating on me and I went to them for comfort...........well,..........

The creep shoved his 8 month pregnant wife in front of him and said; "I could take her in and get it sucked out and chopped up, but the bible says its wrong. PLus, she'd just sit home and eat bon bons and I can't let her do that."

That's the men I was raised with folks..........
That was screaming in my head too...........so of course I translated it to this situation.

My boyfriend kneeled next to my car........the only possession I have after 43 years of getting abused by the male working world..........and he listened and held me and said those were terrible people who hurt me badly.
He said he doesn't even like spending much time around his brother, but does it for the kids and now the dad surgery thing............but they are not like that. They are old school, but he won't allow them to hurt me or put me down in anyway.

I said I was terrified and needed to protect myself. I asked him if he was sexist. He patiently walked through the last 8 months of how he has treated me........rationally I had to agree he wasn't. He's offered me the chance to not work, likes me at home to take care of the farm.........but in no way thinks I should be relagated to the house. He is not sexist.

I am going to work on with my therapist how to handle the situation. I think the advice I've gotten here about boundaries and leaving them etc. is good. Just the best thing for me is to not even attempt to let my guard down around them. I told my BF this and he completely understands and will support me with that.

He's a keeper. Not easy living and caring with someone with PTSD, and so far he's done all the right things in trying to understand, some slip ups.........but all in all he's shown me unconditional love and it is very healing to have that from a man............especially with all the feelings I've stoved up inside regarding men..........I want to let them go and love this one.

Thanks all for your advice.........The support and understanding, once again, is invaluable to me. I'll keep you posted as to my SUCCESSFUL coping mechanisms when dealing with his family.
 
TLight,

So glad that once again you have managed to get through the triggers without running, or making a bad decision...... I really do believe that when we are triggered that badly, that we need to NOT make decisions while in that moment. Take the time, calm down, and think logically AFTER the triggering has subsided a bit.

Try and remember that his behavior is not that of his family. He also must love his family, and is probably torn between his love for them, and his love for you. They do sound a bit *caveman* like, but I don't think it is meant to be abusive... Possibly uneducated, not politically correct, and a bit too much, but I don't think they mean harm. It's just there way is all.

Take care and hang in there........
 
She Cat;
Once again you've definately hit it on the nose with your assessment of the situation.

You seem to have come far in your healing and your words are always helpful to me.

Boy, the difference. I attended a training yesterday so I could keep current as a Professional Wetland Scientist, just in case I'm ever well enough to return to my field.
Educated people...........very nice to be around educated people again.

Then I recalled all the property owners I've had to deal with in the past.........how they hate the government and definately hate Biologists..........it's just bizarre to me.

His family is like this I think. They just see all this as a personal attack on their way of life and are too uneducated to see the bigger picture.

I talk with him a lot about my career. He absorbs my discussion and admires my accomplishments. I think it opens up another world for him.

We share a lot of the same passions, and each have other stuff to bring to the relationship. I also admire what he does and his self built knowledge. He is definately a self made man........an HVAC person and he designs all kinds of things for Harborview Hospital where he is incharge of HVAC. A very creative guy and his work is as technical as mine in many ways.

There's a lot of good things and boundaries with his 'redneck' family is best for me.
 
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