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I need help processing things

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saraemerald

MyPTSD Pro
I feel like I need sooo much help. I have an amazing therapist but I wish I had more. I might look into attending a regular therapy group.
I don't know what to do to get through this though. I wish I had more support and friends. I did have some support when I was in that religious community I grew up with but now that's gone since I've been disfellowshipped from that community. No one talks to me anymore from that community I grew up with and essentially was my only support because no one in the group is supposed to have close friendships with anyone outside of it. So I feel this immense emotional void inside of me that seemed to be fulfilled when I was a part of that group and is gone since I have left. I'm assuming it is the feeling of being connected and close bonds.
It hurts so much and people have judged me since leaving for breaking down since I left but they do not understand how this feels and what I am going through. I also had people that took advantage of this low point in my life and took advantage of me for their own emotional or selfish gain. My expectations in human has declined and my idealism has been smashed apart by people who have been totally inconsiderate. I am tired and am trying to find some sort of motivation. I have been through too much and am now angry most of the time at things in life that seem out of my control and make me feel subhuman. I am pissed off if there is a God. He seems to like us humans to go through pain and hardship. Who knows. Why am I thinking this way? Am I being ungrateful or selfish or miserable?
I feel this hollow in my chest that won't go away and a lump in my throat and an empty feeling in my gut. WHAT IS THIS?!

Why do we allow ourselves to feel this way? I feel like feeling this way is all my fault because even though I went through a heck of a lot of painful shit, I was able to focus on faith and positive things and a positive attitude to get me through and not crack and look forward to a hopeful future. But now this is gone. Where did it go?
What is love? Maybe that's it right there. I don't know. I just know I hurt so much and I have been blaming this hurt on myself for the past few years because I was doing good fighting the fight and rising above and then these last few years, I have been sabotaging myself and making myself feel miserable. Why?
 
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Because the very foundation of your life has been based off a lie and now you don't even know what is the truth anymore. You have been taught that love is something that you have to give and give without drying out. That's not true. Love goes both ways. It is your time now to be loved and comforted. I'm sending you love, positivity, peace, blessings, and internet hugs. :hug: Remember that love is always unconditional.

Don't blame yourself. I know it's hard not to but it really is not your fault you are going through this. They are trying to guilt you and make you fear so they can control you. That's a classic cult tactic. It is very effective. I'm so very very sorry this is happening to you.

When the turmoil settles, start making a new plan yourself. Start very small, reward yourself, and keep going. Empower yourself. You are still a strong positive person and you got out. Amazing. I'm so proud of you!! :tup: You can do this.
 
Because the very foundation of your life has been based off a lie and now you don't even know what is...
I'm trying. Thank you for your reply.
And I think you're right, that it's because everything that I had established before was based on a lie. It's such a sad thing that when you leave something like that, you lose your whole community and have to start over.
 
As I read this I can see the words, thinking, beliefs you were taught to think about yourself and the world and wonder if you can see them? It’s kinda like if you leave us you will be alone, you will never find another that will love you or look after you like we do. Yet here you are free, so why doesn’t it feel free? It’s hard too, to know what the first step would be, then the stepping stones to build on that to ultimately rebuild yourself. Sometimes we just need to start small, really small. What can we do for ourselves today that is new, that is ours, that is our safe go to. For me I accidentally found that when I crave companionship I can hang out with my dog. Feel him breathe, move and engage with me. From there I was able to add other safe go to things like this community. I look forward to the email everyday that allows me to read what is going on in this community. Why? Because I know I’m not alone. Others have needs and express sometimes what I can’t. I can also create a post as you did, and allow others to engage with me if need to. Keep coming back to us and keep trusting that there is a place of acceptance in communities of likeminded people, that is safe, loving, nurturing and nudges you to grow .
 
It feels like the bottom of our whole existence falls out from beneath us once we real-LIES all the false beLIEfs we've been conditioned to also beLIEve in, often times from birth.

Genetic make-up isn't the only thing that runs in families...so do the beLIEfs, the DIEts, the energetic attachments, etc.

I know I was pissed when I learned just how many lies my whole foundation of existence was built upon...yet I'd get the shit beat out of me if I dare told a lie about anything....hell...I'd get beat even when I told the truth

I had always been taught to pour my whole heart and soul into doing for others all because some fictional being in a book said that's how it needs to be done if I want to secure my spot in this final destination we're all supposed to be working towards, yet had never EVER been taught how to healthily love myself in each moment and comfortably exist in my current state of being in the here and now.

Then I was expected to and made to "fake (sh)it 'til I make (sh)it" to be viewed as a proper contributing citizen/community member/etc. who agreed to play all the reindeer games just as we're expected to do without questioning anything...because they said so.

My body finally collapsed underneath all the fakery and extreme learned helplessness and I refuse to ever partake in their bullshit again, no matter how it's packaged up and marketed or delivered.

I finally found a great therapist free of charge through the domestic and sexual abuse shelter....but I also incorporate the help of things I'm already equipped with (like my breath and my thoughts) as well as other healing practitioners (who are willing to barter, otherwise I couldn't afford it).

My other methods of relief, as needed or often on a daily basis to help build up to the chaotic moments of needing it the most, arrive in the form of daily breathing exercises (especially rhythmic, square, alternate nostril, and deep diaphragmatic), daily movement with my hula hoops and mini-trampoline, daily nature time, mindful daily consumption of the whole food plant-based vegan variety for the health and ethics of it, staying well and healthily hydrated throughout the day (eliminating all caffeine and alcohol), acupuncture, massage therapy, sound healing, chiropractic help, energy healing, etc., etc. all play a huge part in helping me maintain my well-being.

It takes a village in my world. May you find your most healthful and helpful village, too.
 
As I read this I can see the words, thinking, beliefs you were taught to think about yourself and the...
Thank you @Teamwork. I agree. Starting small is what I'm trying until I get to where I need to be

It feels like the bottom of our whole existence falls out from beneath us once we real-LIES a...
It sucks and it's so painful when you leave a bed of lies before you even realize they are lies that breeds attacking yourself until you realise the truth. Ugghh! I never thought I would be there because I definitely used to believe all the lies and devoted my life to them.
And then all the pointing of fingers that happens when you face a spiritual crisis and no one can help or understand you. So you go into self-destruct mode. And one of your "friends" takes advantage of the situation to lie about you to others. And then you start to think you are crazy. Or that God is punishing you. :/ Sighhh
 
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