saraemerald
MyPTSD Pro
I feel like I need sooo much help. I have an amazing therapist but I wish I had more. I might look into attending a regular therapy group.
I don't know what to do to get through this though. I wish I had more support and friends. I did have some support when I was in that religious community I grew up with but now that's gone since I've been disfellowshipped from that community. No one talks to me anymore from that community I grew up with and essentially was my only support because no one in the group is supposed to have close friendships with anyone outside of it. So I feel this immense emotional void inside of me that seemed to be fulfilled when I was a part of that group and is gone since I have left. I'm assuming it is the feeling of being connected and close bonds.
It hurts so much and people have judged me since leaving for breaking down since I left but they do not understand how this feels and what I am going through. I also had people that took advantage of this low point in my life and took advantage of me for their own emotional or selfish gain. My expectations in human has declined and my idealism has been smashed apart by people who have been totally inconsiderate. I am tired and am trying to find some sort of motivation. I have been through too much and am now angry most of the time at things in life that seem out of my control and make me feel subhuman. I am pissed off if there is a God. He seems to like us humans to go through pain and hardship. Who knows. Why am I thinking this way? Am I being ungrateful or selfish or miserable?
I feel this hollow in my chest that won't go away and a lump in my throat and an empty feeling in my gut. WHAT IS THIS?!
Why do we allow ourselves to feel this way? I feel like feeling this way is all my fault because even though I went through a heck of a lot of painful shit, I was able to focus on faith and positive things and a positive attitude to get me through and not crack and look forward to a hopeful future. But now this is gone. Where did it go?
What is love? Maybe that's it right there. I don't know. I just know I hurt so much and I have been blaming this hurt on myself for the past few years because I was doing good fighting the fight and rising above and then these last few years, I have been sabotaging myself and making myself feel miserable. Why?
I don't know what to do to get through this though. I wish I had more support and friends. I did have some support when I was in that religious community I grew up with but now that's gone since I've been disfellowshipped from that community. No one talks to me anymore from that community I grew up with and essentially was my only support because no one in the group is supposed to have close friendships with anyone outside of it. So I feel this immense emotional void inside of me that seemed to be fulfilled when I was a part of that group and is gone since I have left. I'm assuming it is the feeling of being connected and close bonds.
It hurts so much and people have judged me since leaving for breaking down since I left but they do not understand how this feels and what I am going through. I also had people that took advantage of this low point in my life and took advantage of me for their own emotional or selfish gain. My expectations in human has declined and my idealism has been smashed apart by people who have been totally inconsiderate. I am tired and am trying to find some sort of motivation. I have been through too much and am now angry most of the time at things in life that seem out of my control and make me feel subhuman. I am pissed off if there is a God. He seems to like us humans to go through pain and hardship. Who knows. Why am I thinking this way? Am I being ungrateful or selfish or miserable?
I feel this hollow in my chest that won't go away and a lump in my throat and an empty feeling in my gut. WHAT IS THIS?!
Why do we allow ourselves to feel this way? I feel like feeling this way is all my fault because even though I went through a heck of a lot of painful shit, I was able to focus on faith and positive things and a positive attitude to get me through and not crack and look forward to a hopeful future. But now this is gone. Where did it go?
What is love? Maybe that's it right there. I don't know. I just know I hurt so much and I have been blaming this hurt on myself for the past few years because I was doing good fighting the fight and rising above and then these last few years, I have been sabotaging myself and making myself feel miserable. Why?
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