I Need To Be Honest

[Heather]

I'm scared to try. There I've said it....I ranted and raved about having to take responsibility for myself, my recover because it pisses me off that the damage that was done was done by other people but yet I'm responsible to clean up the mess. The mess that I didn't make. I didn't ask for. And to be honest I don't have a clue how to go about doing it. My therapist calls it learned helplessness. I guess I'm the queen of learned helplessness. Quick get me my crown. I can't see myself any differently so I remain stuck. I probably trust my therapist more than anybody else right now but even with him there's a limit. The nice thing about this forum is that I can say/write anything and I know it will be met with support. I've noticed that most people do not use their real names but I CHOSE to use mine because I won't live my life in anonymity. I need to be honest with myself and the truth of the matter is the way that I truly feel about myself: I feel like a piece of shit. I don't know how or why any man would want me. I don't feel good enough or attractive. I have been told that I am but it's hard for me to believe it. I am afraid to embrace my life. I am really struggling right now. The flashback I had last week through me for such a loop. I feel very fragile and not coping very well. Although I have not cut myself so that is definitely a success. When you are told over and over growing up that you are ugly, stupid, do things half-ass....it destroys who you are as a person and damages your self-esteem. So, getting out of my mothers house was the best thing I ever did. She did so much damage to me.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((((((Heather))))))))))))))

This post will be a good touchpoint when you read it this time next year and think...whew, I've come so far!

Because you can post this, I *know* you WILL. :>

 

[Philippa]

Proud of you Heather.

It's understandable to shy away from the work, and I've been the same way at various times. It's hard work, and it means re experiencing many of the feelings that you experienced when you were being traumatized...who would want to go through all that again? But it's what you need to do to, I guess it's de-sensitising ourselves in a way?

I agree with bloominwinter, give yourself credit for how far you've come to get to this point.

I need to take my own advice here. It's never easy to do, and even though I can intellectually think about it, emotionally, I find it really hard to feel that achievment.

 

[bob fawcett]

I too feel worthless and like a piece of shit. i push away my family, friends, everyone.... you are not alone

 

[Philippa]

I too feel worthless and like a piece of shit. i push away my family, friends, everyone.... you are not alone

I do it too, and I end up gravitating to other people who think this way about themselves, and we just push each other away.

 

[bob fawcett]

I actually dont know a lot of people with any kind of illness. Guess that's why i turned here. I don't really know how to feel. Guess i'm open for options.....

 

[BloomInWinter]

While I have finally seen that I do feel better when I talk kindly to myself...SO hard to do that. Practice, practice, practice. Yeah, riiiiggghhhhtttt.

Hard to talk kindly to someone who you know doesn't deserve it (me)...

 

[Sad Nicola]

Although I have not cut myself so that is definitely a success.

It sure is. Well done. That was my first step too - and an important one. Just take things one at a time - remember 'baby steps'. Each little achievement - it could be as simple as a conversation with someone you like, or getting through a day without abusing yourself - will make you feel better.

Good Health
Nicola

 

[Heather]

This post will be a good touchpoint when you read it this time next year and think...whew, I've come so far!

Because you can post this, I *know* you WILL. :>

sometimes this feels so unbelievably beyond reach. Next year? how about in 10 years maybe 20? Maybe never? I feel perpetually stuck. I have been dealing with this since i was 18 y/o and it's not getting any better. I've gotten nowhere:mad:

 

[shadowchaser]

It's a great success to have not cut yourself. And it's great you are able to use your own name. I don't use mine as my abuser is still way to close to me. If he googles my name I don't want him finding this forum. I wish I had the same courage to put my name on my posts as you. I'm still nervous just about what I have shared. Having my dog up there alone is both a comfort and a worry.

Don't count your accomplishments short. You managed to not cut and that is worth praise.

 

[Heather]

thank you Shadow and I've also noticed that i've been a member for about 3 wks and i've posted 100 msges and i've gotten 60 likes so that means approx. 2/3 of what i've written people like not a bad ratio:)​

Will someone please tell me the correct way to quote someone on here please by hitting the reply button!:confused:​

 

[shadowchaser]

Will someone please tell me the correct way to quote someone on here please by hitting the reply button!:confused:

When you hit reply it will automatically bring up the quote box. Just delete the portion of their text that does not correspond with your response.