I really need help

[Anonymous92]

First of all I want to say, I’m not excusing my behaviour but I need help.

I’m married. And I’m struggling. And I’m confused.

I grew up in an abusive home physically and verbally. Hiding knives from my dads. Scared he’d kill my mum etc and being hit myself and verbally abused myself.

I was then sexually assaulted.

Then a guy friend fancied me etc and we dated for one day he became obsessed so I ended it after one day then he tried to get me alone and admitted he wanted to try kill me.

Then I got into an abusive relationship where I was physically hurt for no reason (he’d hurt me for singing or trying to talk to him when he was busy on the Xbox and I felt lonely). He also raped me in my sleep. Raped me once when awake and also guilted me into sex. He was emotionally abusive too.

Then I left that relationship and my best male friend threatened to rape me. Became obsessed with me. He sent me 100s a texts a day I’d ignore. He sent texts to my friends and cousin saying if I didn’t get into a relationship with him he’d end his life. He aid he was going to rape me and get me pregnant. I was so scared. Crying my eyes out. It was awful and I trusted him.

Got into a healthy relationship. I sabotaged it due to anxiety and fear.

Got into another abusive relationship which essentially changed me entirely. Had ptsd for years prior but this actually beyond destroyed me. Horrendous physical abuse. And emotional abuse to the point I self harmed in secret and then ended up in hospital. So everyone found out including him. The abuse was awful. I contacted his ex who confirmed he abused her too.

After that relationship I became extremely angry. After I left him not during. After I left him I changed. I was angry. Violent (I lived alone so I wasn’t violent to anyone other than the walls and myself). I became so scared of myself and the change in me.

I begged for help from professionals. Not one recognised my trauma. I’d been diagnosed with c-ptsd years prior but it was dismissed as “cured” cause it had been so long. Obviously I wasn’t cured.

I changed and I became so afraid of the person I became. I also started trying to please men through sex. Shameful I know. I didn’t have sex with people but I’d send photos etc and try to give them everything they wanted. To make them happy. I would punch walls (again lived alone) shout and scream and cry. And harm myself. Again lived alone not towards anyone. I scared myself. I knew something changed in me and I was frightened. No professional could diagnose me or help me. I believed ptsd wasn’t a thing as they dismissed it and didn’t explain ptsd can last years and this relationship was clearly the final nail in the coffin. I’m terrified of men. I know I am.

I lived alone 4 years and couldn’t imagine getting into a serious relationship again. I just couldn’t.

Fast forward I met my husband. I wasn’t healed at all. He was a guy who had been hurt himself (ex cheated on him multiple times) and put it nicely he treat me awful.

He’d stand me up on dates
He’d lie to me
He slept with his ex twice
And a woman from abroad
He kissed women
He used me for lifts to places
He called me names behind my back like nuts etc not to my face I didn’t find out till he committed to me
Called me a liar to his friends
Gave me stds

I know it all sounds awful and it was. He wouldn’t commit to me and I continued to allow the treatment against me and trying to make him happy with sex and lifts etc it was a horrible time.

My mental health declined massively. I was so depressed. Suicidal. And felt worthless. And broken. I started acting out massively with my ptsd. I’d beg him to stay with me eventually hanging onto him. After he’d used me for lifts. I’d take him and his friends home as they’d ask and my husband wanted me to drop him off at his and not spend any time with me. I’d try use sex to make him and he didn’t want to. So I’d resort to crying and begging him to spend time with me. He’d say imagine if this was other way round and a guy did this. As I’d try stop him leaving etc I’m ashamed I went that far and don’t want excuses but I also felt so broken cause I’d just got out of bed and given him and his friends lifts. At midnight and wasn’t even worth spending any time with.. he just wanted to go to bed. No cuddles. Kisses or even 15 mins at my flat. I felt so alone and I’d try asking for sex to make him stay to which he’d say no and then I’d beg him to spend time with me crying saying I just want a cuddle etc I know it’s bad.

This went on for a year. He’d take me on random dates and he’d come to mine a lot. We’d have sex but he was also lying constantly etc promised he wasn’t seeing anyone else. But he was behind my back. We agreed we’d not date or have sex with other people but there was no label.

Eventually we became closer and closer then one night I found out he’d lied and gone to his exes house. I was sobbing uncontrollably and he lied saying he didn’t have sex with her etc and he said that night he realised he loved and wanted me and he could lose me.

He never saw her again.

we moved in together not long after that as I fell pregnant (I was meant to be infertile). I lost that baby. His family were downright awful to us. They felt I was stealing their son as I was always with him for obvious reasons. Miscarriage then my dad died etc then fell pregnant. And then admitted to hospital so for a while he was with me a lot.

We got engaged. Moved in together. He was amazing. Totally committed to me bar issues with his family.

And then I found out that time we were pretty much an official couple. The night he lied about. He had sex with his ex. He cried so much. He told me he was scared and sabotaged us as he didn’t trust and didn’t want to fall in love again and he fell in love etc and he was an awful person and he’s so sorry and takes full responsibility.

But I changed entirely. I had never checked his phone etc before but he said he’d let me check all conversations so I finally see the truth and no more lies (he offered this not me asking). I took that as I wanted the truth.

What I found was simply awful. His friends were horrendous bullies constantly bullying me behind my back and my husband let them. Even when we got engaged. Mockery of my best friends baby etc it was awful. To say the least. I was destroyed. He didn’t mock me or my friends baby but allowed others and that hurts. And I also found other things I didn’t want to find.

I changed.

I started shouting a lot
I didn’t trust him
Felt he was always sneaking behind my back etc
I punched walls and put holes in them
I was broken

I felt out of control. Always on edge. Disconnected. For years I’ve felt life isn’t real and nothings real. I’ve had so much anger and hurt inside of me

And then one night during our arguments my husband tried to hug me. I was absolutely terrified. I’d started seeing him as an abuser in my eyes after everything and when he grabbed me to hug me I was so scared he was trying to help me during a ptsd attack. I was frightened. I screamed at him to please let go of me and I was scared. He thought hugging me harder would make me stop. Help. It didn’t. I got even more scared I felt suffocated. I begged him to let go as he hugged me tighter assuring me. Eventually I kicked and kicked him off me screaming for him to get off. It was horrible.

Then the violence started becoming a thing during arguments where I felt abused.

I would shout in self defence.. then i started hitting before I could get hit. I felt scared every day. The guilt I felt hurting him was beyond what I can explain. I don’t want to hurt another human. When I say hurt I mean slaps to the arms. I can’t ever imagine physically trying to harm someone. I know it’s wrong I could never excuse it. In my eyes it’s self defence. I’m scared he’s abusing me and going to hurt me. So I lash out to protect myself. The shouting is horrible.

I haven’t ever tried to hurt him just defend myself what I mean by that is. I haven’t punched him. Or attacked him. Just slapped his arms (please don’t judge too harshly I already know and I’m ashamed).

I have never hurt someone in my life. All I can say is I’m terrified of my husband. And in my head I’m protecting myself. Sometimes I lie sobbing on floor saying don’t kill me please don’t kill me before I “protect myself”. And lash out. It’s horrible. I hate it. I hate myself.

Now we have a new problem. My husband keeps lying to me about silly things and I’m like he’s emotionally abusing me. He is my abuser etc and it’s getting worst my ptsd. I have physical flashbacks of my ex now. Where I think my husbands him. I’ve isolated myself. I’m alone. Depressed. I don’t even get dressed anymore. I shout constantly which makes me hate myself it’s automatic. I’m always scared and on edge. I have night terrors. It feels like a nightmare.

New problem my husbands started punching me, kicking me and putting his hand on my neck (he knows this scares me).

I feel like I’ve created my own nightmare. In my head I’m saying he’s beating me. Cause it’s what it is. He is. And I’m only slapping his arm he isn’t in danger but equally I’m torn. Could I have created trauma in my husband from my own trauma and inability to separate him from his past mistakes? I never lay my hand on him or anyone until the night he hugged me. And ever since. I’ve protected myself.

I can’t say my husband is an abuser. I can’t because I’m fully aware my ptsd may have created his own trauma on top of his trauma with his ex. (Her cheating and blackmailing and lying etc which I saw with my own eyes) also aware his trauma from his ex probably worsened my ptsd and made me convinced he’s my abuser.

I am not going to excuse anything. I’m fully aware I’m broken. And I hate myself and I’m scared each and every day. I don’t know how to help myself. I’ve tried so many therapists the last 2 years and they’ve all worsened my ptsd. I tried 7 months with an amazing woman but we tackled something pretty traumatic and I got ten times worst.

I tried therapy through Nhs and begged them for help. They said veterans come first and I was on a very long waiting list (up to 3 years) even when I rang them pleading with them to help me.

I love my husband but I’m aware I can’t let go of the past the things he did to me. I’m aware I’m absolutely traumatised and constantly seeing him as abusing me.

He’s changed a lot but it doesn’t mean it hasn’t left it’s scars. I truly love this man. But I’m scared of where we are at.

Is there hope I can ever stop shouting or stop these ptsd attacks or has my brain changed forever?

Is my husband a monster in disguise. Or can even light slaps and constant ptsd flashbacks cause trauma in a man to the point he’s beating his wife as he feels afraid himself? Please no one sit and beat into me or my husband this is so damned complex.

I hate myself. I truly do and never imagined I’d ever lay my hand on anyone after what I’ve been through.

I need help and advice. And how can I stop the shouting. It destroys me and the ptsd flashbacks. I’m so convinced all the time I’m in danger. I can’t take this anymore. Any advice please and what do I do if no therapies working. I want this to stop.
Please any advice on therapies. I’m at my wits end. Where do I turn to!

 

[MnM]

Get a therapist and get on that wait list for a psychologist. If you can, sit down with your husband and make a game plan. Draw boundaries. Have a safe word. Get separate apartments if you need to - have safe spaces for both of you where you can each retreat and not cause further harm to each other or yourselves. Sounds like you've got a lot of work to do. The sooner you start, the better!

 

[Anonymous92]

Get a therapist and get on that wait list for a psychologist. If you can, sit down with your husband and make a game plan. Draw boundaries. Have a safe word. Get separate apartments if you need to - have safe spaces for both of you where you can each retreat and not cause further harm to each other or yourselves. Sounds like you've got a lot of work to do. The sooner you start, the better!

I completely agree. I’ve tried a few therapists now and I’m just at a loss trying to find the right one. Therapy seems to make my ptsd worst and it scares me. And I agree we need a game plan. And a safe word and potential time apart. I just want to find the right therapist so much. The waiting list is long so I’m thinking private again but I’ve tried a few and I really just want to find the right therapist. Thank you for your message.

 

[coraxxx]

Honestly, go away from him for a moment, therapy or not. Right now, you’re enabling each other. No matter who’s right or who’s started what. You own your part in the domestic violence but it’s escalating and it’s escalating badly. And when I mean bad, I mean really bad.

He’s changed a lot but it doesn’t mean it hasn’t left it’s scars. I truly love this man. But I’m scared of where we are at.

What he’s done is that basically he sabotaged all the trust you could have. Now, not everyone responds as brutally as you did, but yes it’s a big blow and it would be a dealbreaker for a relationship. I did also start to physically assault a past relationship in my 20-something also thinking it wouldn’t be too bad since it’s not something dangerous. Except it’s always dangerous. Violence always is dangerous. You push someone, they fall on the corner of a table, and that’s it. You’re right to be scared.

I’m aware I’m absolutely traumatised and constantly seeing him as abusing me.

Apparently you’re seeing well:

New problem my husbands started punching me, kicking me and putting his hand on my neck (he knows this scares me).

This is a clear escalation.

Now this isn’t nice to hear. Once you reach a point of control and escalation in domestic violence, generally it’s impossible to come back from it.

In the relationship where I was the assaulter, my partner did respond once, it did hurt and it made me come back to my senses. I still did have horrible meltdowns but that did draw the line for me. I’m not proud of this episode.

In the relationship where I was being assaulted and beaten regularly, I also started to respond, far more violently though since the level of violence already was bad.

I have a scar on my face. I have scars on my hands. A broken thumb that will never fold as well as it used to. All the result of events that lasted seconds. My ex also almost started to strangle me but got scared because I had a complete freeze response and went limp. It could have been the end. All the times, it could have been the end. The corner of a table, falling in the wrong way, and one of you does die.

This is serious. His cheating didn’t deserve your response, you are responsible of your violence and even if in the midst of your flashback you consider them as defensive, they are not. It is common assault by beating. And his response are more serious and also are common assault by beating—the strangling is worse though. Then if it results in injuries it goes to bigger categories of assaults.

Both of you are doing a horrible job and right now, the best you can do is to separate and find separate therapy. This link of Respect UK might help you, it’s a helpline for perpetrators of domestic violence wanting to do something about it. Both of you enter in that category.

I do know how stupidly long the NHS can be for mental health. My own relationship with my ex who suffered from extreme BPD and extreme CPTSD has also worsened because no help was easily available, he had very lousy support and I had no support at all.

But mental health isn’t all though. What you need to worry about now isn’t therapy or even couples therapy. What you need to worry about now is enforcing your mutual safety.

The relationship with my ex escalated so badly that I was dreaming to choke him with plastic strips and I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid he would strangle me in my sleep. I do believe I would have ended up acting first though. So it’s a very good thing that it was over. That person still has serious work to do and even if we separated by acknowledging each others’ shortcomings, doing it so wouldn’t have been possible without terminating the relationship.

I don’t berate him for having been a f*cking psycho with me for years because there were some explanations to that, but that doesn’t change anything about the fact that it was very highly traumatizing, and gave me whole new amounts of PTSD to deal with. There is no coming back from that kind of fear and resentment.

I also don’t berate myself for having responded in the way I did, it wasn’t always purely defensive but it has been most of the time. Still I feel horrible about it and still have flashbacks from it.

I hope you find help and support to get out of that situation because what I’m seeing here is a ticking bomb. Time counts. Go away as far and fast as you can, you’ll discuss things on the phone if you need and see what you do. But have your space, balance yourself again, be out of reach. Avoid too regular contact, or even any contact at all for a moment, keeping contact in that way is also very toxic (I’m speaking of experience) and won’t let you breathe out of the relationship.

Experience a place without fear and see how you feel then.

 

[Justmehere]

I am not going to excuse anything. I’m fully aware I’m broken. And I hate myself and I’m scared each and every day. I don’t know how to help myself. I’ve tried so many therapists the last 2 years and they’ve all worsened my ptsd. I tried 7 months with an amazing woman but we tackled something pretty traumatic and I got ten times worst.

It's actually normal for symptoms to get worse before they get better. They can get better. But also need to build the skills base to endure the spikes in symptoms before diving into trauma. Did anyone work with you on coping and grounding skills to handle all the really understanable waves of symptoms and emotions? One place to start might be. There is absolutely lots of reason for hope things can get better for you.

It makes sense you are in the fight side of fight or flight while living with someone who abused you so badly. I can't advocate for staying with someone who has abused. I also know that is a choice you'll have to make.

What work has your husband done on his harm to you? What therapy or treatment is he doing?

 

[Thank you]

Honestly, go away from him for a moment, therapy or not. Right now, you’re enabling each other. No matter who’s right or who’s started what. You own your part in the domestic violence but it’s escalating and it’s escalating badly. And when I mean bad, I mean really bad.


What he’s done is that basically he sabotaged all the trust you could have. Now, not everyone responds as brutally as you did, but yes it’s a big blow and it would be a dealbreaker for a relationship. I did also start to physically assault a past relationship in my 20-something also thinking it wouldn’t be too bad since it’s not something dangerous. Except it’s always dangerous. Violence always is dangerous. You push someone, they fall on the corner of a table, and that’s it. You’re right to be scared.


Apparently you’re seeing well:


This is a clear escalation.

Now this isn’t nice to hear. Once you reach a point of control and escalation in domestic violence, generally it’s impossible to come back from it.

In the relationship where I was the assaulter, my partner did respond once, it did hurt and it made me come back to my senses. I still did have horrible meltdowns but that did draw the line for me. I’m not proud of this episode.

In the relationship where I was being assaulted and beaten regularly, I also started to respond, far more violently though since the level of violence already was bad.

I have a scar on my face. I have scars on my hands. A broken thumb that will never fold as well as it used to. All the result of events that lasted seconds. My ex also almost started to strangle me but got scared because I had a complete freeze response and went limp. It could have been the end. All the times, it could have been the end. The corner of a table, falling in the wrong way, and one of you does die.

This is serious. His cheating didn’t deserve your response, you are responsible of your violence and even if in the midst of your flashback you consider them as defensive, they are not. It is common assault by beating. And his response are more serious and also are common assault by beating—the strangling is worse though. Then if it results in injuries it goes to bigger categories of assaults.

Both of you are doing a horrible job and right now, the best you can do is to separate and find separate therapy. This link of Respect UK might help you, it’s a helpline for perpetrators of domestic violence wanting to do something about it. Both of you enter in that category.

I do know how stupidly long the NHS can be for mental health. My own relationship with my ex who suffered from extreme BPD and extreme CPTSD has also worsened because no help was easily available, he had very lousy support and I had no support at all.

But mental health isn’t all though. What you need to worry about now isn’t therapy or even couples therapy. What you need to worry about now is enforcing your mutual safety.

The relationship with my ex escalated so badly that I was dreaming to choke him with plastic strips and I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid he would strangle me in my sleep. I do believe I would have ended up acting first though. So it’s a very good thing that it was over. That person still has serious work to do and even if we separated by acknowledging each others’ shortcomings, doing it so wouldn’t have been possible without terminating the relationship.

I don’t berate him for having been a f*cking psycho with me for years because there were some explanations to that, but that doesn’t change anything about the fact that it was very highly traumatizing, and gave me whole new amounts of PTSD to deal with. There is no coming back from that kind of fear and resentment.

I also don’t berate myself for having responded in the way I did, it wasn’t always purely defensive but it has been most of the time. Still I feel horrible about it and still have flashbacks from it.

I hope you find help and support to get out of that situation because what I’m seeing here is a ticking bomb. Time counts. Go away as far and fast as you can, you’ll discuss things on the phone if you need and see what you do. But have your space, balance yourself again, be out of reach. Avoid too regular contact, or even any contact at all for a moment, keeping contact in that way is also very toxic (I’m speaking of experience) and won’t let you breathe out of the relationship.

Experience a place without fear and see how you feel then.

Thank you for replying and I do completely degree. Also want to add the violence didn’t start due to him cheating etc it was when he hugged me and wouldn’t let go during a ptsd attack and I felt he was physically assaulted me and I was in danger and it went from there. Not an excuse but I genuinely felt he was physically abusing and harming me. He hugged me and wouldn’t let go. I was begging him to please stop he was scaring me but he thought if he kept hugging me the ptsd would stop. It didn’t. It escalated. I felt extremely scared in that moment and I had to use physical violence to get him to let go. And even when I was kicking him he wouldn’t let go thinking I’d calm down. Im blaming him. In theory it makes sense he’d think hugging me would fix me. Calm me down. But in that moment it was the worst thing to do especially how tight he hugged me and refusing to let go even when I was terrified. My ex used to do that to abuse me not hug me but squeeze my wrists etc to hurt me and I couldn’t move or breathe or get out. I was so so afraid and that’s where it started where I defended myself constantly to my husband scared he’d hurt me. Logically a hug wasn’t harmful but it felt it to me especially when he was so tight and when I said get off me I’m scared he wouldn’t get off. I totally get why he did it but it was also very terrifying to me and it’s gone from there. No violence happened until that day. I felt I was being physically assaulted by a hug and as a rape victim too it felt scary and traumatising but at the same time he wasn’t to know. I was scared and I kept screaming I’m scared let go I’m scared and it took a long time of screaming for him to stop that I eventually used force and it’s been that way since. Ptsd is a nightmare and in my head I need to defend myself from him since that day and obviously that’s worsening he’s also resorting to violence. I’m not going to sit and blame him though. I don’t blame him. Unless he was hitting me and I’d never hit him I couldn’t blame him. I’m fully aware I may have traumatised him but with my ptsd brain defending myself this entire time it’s like “see look he’s a monster” it’s torture but logically do I blame him? Absolutely not. I just want help.

We trialled a separation starting last night and gave in and had sex. It was the worst thing to do as he didn’t kiss me cause he didn’t want the emotional connection with us trialling separating. And now I’m feeling even more messed up. I’m struggling. I feel like a rape victim even though it’s not the case.

Mentally I’m struggling and fully aware my life’s messed up and I need help. I’m searching high and low for help. I’ve tried so many therapists and spent thousands and I found one amazing one for 7 months but then we touched on something traumatic and I went really downhill again and got worst. As amazing as she was and caring she wasn’t trained to help when touching on very traumatic things and she couldn’t help me come down from that and so things escalated more and the truth is I’m terrified of therapy as a result but I definitely want help but I just want to be sure it’s the right therapy and person so I don’t end up in an even worst place then I am now.

Totally agree on everything you’ve said. I hate myself and absolutely don’t condone it… never have or will and I constantly try to find ways to manage my ptsd and I do manage until my period hits or I ovulate and the mix of hormones and ptsd it’s a huge eruption. And I don’t cope anymore.

I do tell my husband I’m going into a ptsd attack and he shuts off which makes it worst. It’s clear we need to heal. I have constant flashbacks and when I physically see my husband as my ex. Something has to give. It’s traumatic. Thank you.

It's actually normal for symptoms to get worse before they get better. They can get better. But also need to build the skills base to endure the spikes in symptoms before diving into trauma. Did anyone work with you on coping and grounding skills to handle all the really understanable waves of symptoms and emotions? One place to start might be. There is absolutely lots of reason for hope things can get better for you.

It makes sense you are in the fight side of fight or flight while living with someone who abused you so badly. I can't advocate for staying with someone who has abused. I also know that is a choice you'll have to make.

What work has your husband done on his harm to you? What therapy or treatment is he doing?

Thank you for this. I’m just so scared since that session we touched on something traumatic and it got so much worst. I feel so trapped in a circle and I’m terrified of therapy but absolutely want therapy just the right therapist and type of therapy. She was lovely but felt she didn’t know how to help me through touching the traumatic subject but maybe I needed to give it time.

No she didn’t she just did a breathing technique and that’s probably where the therapy went wrong. I was pretty much alone and didn’t know how to come down from touching on that traumatic subject.

I guess I can’t say my husband physically abused me at the moment as I feel I caused it with my ptsd flashbacks. Even if not meant to. It’s really hard and confusing. Nothing but I know if I asked him to go to therapy he would. He wouldn’t hesitate he doesn’t want this as much as I don’t and that’s one good thing about him. i know he doesn’t want this.

 

[Sideways]

@Anonymous92 - please log into your account to post!

 

[Rose White]

Could I have created trauma in my husband from my own trauma and inability to separate him from his past mistakes?

My ex husband was emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive. Toward the end of our marriage he said that he was never so cruel to anyone as he was to me and that I drove him to act that way. He also said that I mixed up my dad with him so he never had a chance. I believed him and as I learned about codependency I understood that I was playing a role. I understood that I was seeking the familiarity of the abuse I grew up with. However, I did not yet understand that I didn’t deserve it. And I still struggle to receive care. It’s been four years since I lived with him. He still tries to emotionally manipulate me, but I see it now. (We share child custody.)

we tackled something pretty traumatic and I got ten times worst.

I’ve been seeing my therapist for four years. I only see her every three weeks now. My last session was so hard that I’m still recovering four days later. Barely started eating today. No energy. It’s really hard but after blocking all attachments and emotions (except for animals, and yes even to my own children) to feel the grief is very uncomfortable and painful.

 

[MnM]

Toward the end of our marriage he said that he was never so cruel to anyone as he was to me and that I drove him to act that way. He also said that I mixed up my dad with him so he never had a chance. I believed him and as I learned about codependency I understood that I was playing a role.

Codependency is not in the DSM. I despise when therapists tell women (the only people I've encountered to be told they're codependent) they are codependent and need to change. I don't think it's honest. I don't think it's real. And it makes it your problem. Which it clearly isn't, as I'm sure you've had relationships or HAVE relationships that are healthy, alive, vibrant. Which means YOU are not the problem.

Highly recommend the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

 

[coraxxx]

Eh it's difficult to find it out. @Anonymous92 I didn't mean to berate you or your husband my point is just that perception is irrelevant when it comes to examining risks.

Perhaps I can make myself clearer by saying that for me engaging in violence has been engaging in a form of contact that made me feel closer or more connected, albeit in a profoundly twisted and dangerous way. That was shared by my ex with whom the escalation happened. At some point you get to kick each other's extreme responses and rodexing between complying, freezing/checking out, running away or fighting till death.

Did we love each other? Yes. Was it a disaster? Yes. Is that my fault? Not so much so.

However cognitive distortions like "he hugged me and it made me believe it was my assaulter so I had to respond in this and that way..." here is where it becomes a distortion. I know what you're talking about in fact it's exactly in that context that I did assault my first ex and that second ex did start to assault me. First ex was worried I would hurt myself so decided to override my will to get him off and I turned to do the very exact same thing with my ex, the only reason I wouldn't get off of him would be because I believed it was the best way to keep him alive, at the cost of my own safety. Then it escalated and became bonkers in other ways. But it's not even because you know something from one side that it helps you to be on the other side. Both situations are crap. We don't know how it feels on the other side. And even when we do, it doesn't mean we know how to respond. And it doesn't mean we should know how to respond, everywhere, every time.

I'm sorry for the sex tentative that sounded really bad, cold and confusing. I'm under the impression for now what you need is just to be gentle with yourself. Even if you carousel back again with your husband, it's okay. It might not be the best thing to do but if you care for each other and are used to be close getting rid of the connection and physicality is really hard and isn't necessarily linear. You still have the right to care about each other, you have the right to kiss, show warmth and affection. No matter how crazy things went. It often feels like a bad movie repeating itself over and over, I've been through that so many times, but it's useless to judge oneself for failing to slam the door on everything at once even if it would be the rational thing to do. Hearts don't work that way. It's notorious that with DV it takes several serious attempts to separate for it to become effective.

@OliveJewel and @MnM I'm not so sure about the codependency thing, I don't see as especially gendered. There are plenty of codependent guys. A codependent was first a term coined in addiction treatment to describe a spouse who would unwillingly enable the addiction or by extent any unhealthiness just by having poor boundaries or not knowing what to do and trying to compensate something they just can't do anything about. It's certainly possible to be codependent of each other.

I guess an useful notion here would be perhaps the one of the locus of control? Like, you get to control yourself, your actions don't make others change unless they want to and do and other's actions don't make you change unless you want to and do. You can coerce someone into doing something but you can't make someone to feel this or that or to change this or that just because you want.

Trauma can and often does result into a twisted locus of control since stuff seems to jump of your face and we're quick to think "what they did made me do this". Because we've been in fact coerced. But then it's hard to get out of that mindset. I read that in offender's accounts all the time, and often victims will go "it's because I'm bad I made them do this of that". Both affirmations are wrong but are meant to make a traumatic event affordable and not either a senseless manifestation of violence from someone we wished cared about us, either a shitty thing we did to someone else. One would make you question the sense of the world and the other one to question the sense of yourself, I guess the swap happens since the displacement puts that stuff one step further away from yourself and be psychically self protective. But then yea, twisted locus of control. It can happen in innocuous ways of for more damaging things. I tend to prefer it than codependency because it's broader and captures more of what I saw, felt and read than codependency alone, but that might be just me.

 

[Defaultxlove]

What do you want help with? Specifically? Maybe a list will help?

 

[Rose White]

as I'm sure you've had relationships or HAVE relationships that are healthy, alive, vibrant.

Hmmm… I was just thinking today about how I hope to have a relationship like that some day. I think I am cultivating them, maybe. I’m surprised you are sure that I’ve had them. My relationship with my ex-husband was the most satisfying relationship I’d ever had—I could not see the red flags until I recovered memories that my father had sexually abused me as a baby (which were confirmed by him and reported to law enforcement). Then I realized I might have been thinking about relationships in a way that was not helpful for me. It was a long road to see my ex-husband’s manipulation and verbal abuse, I just thought that was normal life. I have not had a relationship since then. I hope I can again someday.

At some point you get to kick each other's extreme responses

Yes, I see what you mean. How it feels “intimate”. I remember the first time I raged at my ex-husband like he did to me; I felt like I was really free and living as an adult. I had never screamed at my parents. I thought I was above them because I was able to express my anger finally. And by the way I think I had known him about 8 weeks when that happened and we were already engaged. The lovebombing and the sex are what kept me, I think. And @Anonymous92 I understand about using sex to try to get someone to stay with you, and the pain of them not caring anyway.

a spouse who would unwillingly enable the addiction or by extent any unhealthiness just by having poor boundaries or not knowing what to do and trying to compensate something they just can't do anything about.

Yes, this resonates with me, the concept is helpful.

we're quick to think "what they did made me do this".

Yes, this was very hard for me to get out from underneath. It was hard to develop a sense of choice. When you don’t know better, you can’t do better. But when you do know better, you can try making decisions differently.

I'm under the impression for now what you need is just to be gentle with yourself.

I agree, you sound utterly exhausted.

He wouldn’t hesitate he doesn’t want this as much as I don’t and that’s one good thing about him. i know he doesn’t want this.

That sounds like a good place to start. Hope you are able to do it.