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Message: <blockquote data-quote="OliveJewel" data-source="post: 1775225" data-attributes="member: 44157">Hmmm… I was just thinking today about how I hope to have a relationship like that some day.  I think I am cultivating them, maybe.  I’m surprised you are sure that I’ve had them.  My relationship with my ex-husband was the most satisfying relationship I’d ever had—I could not see the red flags until I recovered memories that my father had sexually abused me as a baby (which were confirmed by him and reported to law enforcement).  Then I realized I might have been thinking about relationships in a way that was not helpful for me.  It was a long road to see my ex-husband’s manipulation and verbal abuse, I just thought that was normal life.  I have not had a relationship since then.  I hope I can again someday.Yes, I see what you mean.  How it feels “intimate”.  I remember the first time I raged at my ex-husband like he did to me; I felt like I was really free and living as an adult. I had never screamed at my parents.  I thought I was above them because I was able to express my anger finally.  And by the way I think I had known him about 8 weeks when that happened and we were already engaged.  The lovebombing and the sex are what kept me, I think.  And [USER=51442]@Anonymous92[/USER] I understand about using sex to try to get someone to stay with you, and the pain of them not caring anyway.Yes, this resonates with me, the concept is helpful.Yes, this was very hard for me to get out from underneath.  It was hard to develop a sense of choice.  When you don’t know better, you can’t do better.  But when you do know better, you can try making decisions differently.I agree, you sound utterly exhausted.  That sounds like a good place to start.  Hope you are able to do it.</blockquote>

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