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I really screwed up and I want to self harm

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I screwed up BIG time. Might be one of the biggest ever. I don't know if there is fixing this- or rather, surviving it. And now I have to wait until tomorrow to have any idea what happens next. I feel sick. I keep thinking of all the ways I could have avoided this and all the ways in which I don't know how I'll handle...
In short, 3-4 months back I was laid off. I should have known then to move to cheaper place immediately, that getting work takes time... but I was in a bad mental space and kept holding onto 'it will get better soon.' I only got something of a regular size project few days ago(so weeks before it's paid). I used all savings, frugal tips, creative solutions, odd jobs and financial help I could get. I got into more debt. I got into bad mental state. Handled that and finally started seeing through... and now I'm back on rent+some bills and I will have to move out. I've known that for a while, and I've been trying to handle it. The thing is I was supposed to at least pay something back to my landlord before I move out, so I owe him less after that. Now I had to postpone that again because my odd jobs pay won't be until next week, and even then it's only a chunk of what I owe. In any case the last mini help I can get will be on 7th-10th of june. And my landlord is keeping my deposit to use as a part of the debt(it was small deposit so it's only 1/4 of what I owe). So I need to stay where I am until 10th and I don't know if I will. My landlord was really mad and said to call him tomorrow. And I'm afraid he'd want to call police on me/report me somewhere or want me to move out immediately(meaning let's say 3 days). There's no chance to do that.
And if it happens I can find where to sleep, but there's no way I can carry all my belongings around. He's not happy with how little I've paid back(not blaming at all, I just have to survive this somehow), and I don't know how to convince him to stay until 10th. Anything before, and I don't know what I'll do with at least 2/3rds or my belongings and any decisions I may need to make about where I stay may just get me in more debt. Oh, and I'm a foreigner here and my parents are in another country so I can't just hop over to them.

This is one of the WORST screw- ups I've done, in my life. It's one of those things that it's hugely important to not fall apart so that I can survive. But I am, tonight I am. Not knowing what I will need to be handling first until tomorrow is killing me. And knowing the things I've learned about being frugal in the last 3 months I know I could have handled my minimal finances the past months a whole lot better and have avoided this. I keep thinking of all the stuff I screwed up to here. And I know I can do better now, in a new place, getting new job, knowing all I know now. But there is this gap of the next 2 weeks, this gap between where I live and what I work now, and where I will live and the new jobs I am starting(and the first pay). And I don't know how to survive this gap. And it feels so impossible, so deadly, that all I can think of is that I can't do this, I am a horrible person. And the pain is so big that I keep imagining cutting into my skin just to do how I feel. Just to get through the night. Just to survive this suffocating guilt about not being smarter about this whole situation. And writing here is sort of... trying to hold onto something I guess. I feel like the ground beneath me is crumbling and my old world is falling apart and I just need to hold onto something before I do something stupid like self harm.

*disclaimer* this is not to shift any blame about the situation from myself. I was unhealthy, and stupid, and I handled things wrong. But I can't turn back time, only try to do better. But to do so, I first have to stop myself from harming myself in some way.
 
Welcome to the forums, SeekingAfrica. I am sorry you have the compulsion to self harm. You are so very brave to reach out and to tell your story.
Do you have someone you could talk to, a therapist? We all make mistakes and I believe that you should give yourself credit.
I think that you are strong and very intelligent. Maybe put up signs to walk dogs for extra cash?
Can you possibly pay him extra if you get caught up, so you have somewhere to stay?

Rooting for you, love your spirit.
 
Welcome to the forums, SeekingAfrica. I am sorry you have the compulsion to self harm. You are so very brave to reach out and to tell your story.
Do you have someone you could talk to, a therapist? We all make mistakes and I believe that you should give yourself credit.
I think that you are strong and very intelligent. Maybe put up signs to walk dogs for extra cash?
Can you possibly pay him extra if you get caught up, so you have somewhere to stay?

Rooting for you, love your spirit.
I've been around for a while, but thanks anyway:). I know we can't all know each other;).
I have a free therapist(I mean in the free center) so I can't see her all the time, they get booked fast. I am seeing her Wednesday. Dog walking isn't so much a thing here, people try to make it a thing on occasion, but it doesn't really catch on yet. I've been exploring more options for extra cash, but most of them take more than 3 days.
What do you mean 'if I get caught up'? Do you mean promise to pay him what I owe with interest so that I can stay a little longer or something? Not sure that will work because he's from the type of people that rarely get really mad, but once they do they don't listen to anything else. But it's not like I can lose anything more by asking. Uh. Not sure how I'll sleep tonight. All I am doing right now is desperately distracting myself.

I finally got work for long term and if I can make it 6-8 weeks it will be fine. In fact pretty sure once I move it will give me a chance to pick up the pieces and get it together. So the trouble is just the next 2 weeks indeed. What good does intelligence do, if I made such idiotic choices? But well, I have to learn and move on somehow. I don't know the how yet. I feel so guilty, I cut my day in half today after the talk with my landlord, I completely fell apart. I was supposed to do so much. Workout too, but I feel so weak and the urge to harm is blinding all else. Might only do some crunches in bed. Trying to not feel like my life is falling apart, but it's really hard....
 
I am glad you are here exploring and trying to find other solutions.
You do not know what he will do. There could be many things he can do and if you have been a paying customer who got into a situation, he may listen to you.
I think focus on what you can control and capable of rather than focusing on him. You could prepare your docs that said you will work in few weeks or you are waiting the payment and share it with him to show good faith. beating yourself is very easy to do now but not good idea. Do you have at least one friend who can listen to you or help you out in some concrete ways. Also maybe plan for longer term, even if you get the job where your rent can be much lower and you can pay over the amount needed to prevent ever being late. There are some solutions and others may jibe in and give you more support. I am impressed you reached out though. This is good.
 
@SeekingAfrica you need to stop beating yourself up. We all make mistakes, procrastinate on making difficult decisions and have financial difficulties. I have worked a full-time job pretty consistently for the last 30+ years but thanks to PTSD I have had periods where I was unemployed for as much as 11 months at a time. I mentioned in another thread about the fact that I have at times worked two jobs but that didn't keep me from making what would be considered stupid decisions. I had to file for bankruptcy 5 years ago because between my medical bills and 11 months of unemployment where I struggled to leave the house twice a month for therapy let alone looking for a job. I lost my house to foreclosure and eviction, I had no job and no support system.

It was scary, being forced out of my house, I didn't have anywhere to sleep, I had a teenager living at home and I was a mess like you are today. Give yourself a break. I could feed you a bunch of cliches like "that which doesn't kill makes you strong", "whenever a door closes a window opens" and all other sorts of platitudes that won't actually help. I am sorry that you are in this situation and if there was a way I could reach out and help you from where I am I would. But some practical ideas that I thought of - if you have to be out before the 10th, do you have any friends with a garage, shed, basement or whatever that would let you store your stuff for free until you get a new place to live? Have you talked to the local churches? No matter the belief structure, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Non-Denominational they most likely have emergency financial assistance programs that could possibly either pay all or a portion of what you owe your current landlord. They may have transitional housing, some have small studio apartments that they own or long term lease to provide short-term housing for individuals and families in just your situation. Not sure what country you are in but does your home country have an embassy nearby? They may be able to provide assistance if you are still a citizen. Yes these are not simple options and if you are at all like me you would rather do anything that ask for help because you blame yourself for this situation but there are options. Are there any non-profits, charities, NGO's in the area that can be of assistance?

You can handle this and you can do it by giving yourself a break and not taking it out on yourself by self-harming. Vent here as often as you need. Come here for support but make sure you are reaching out IRL to your support system, you are not alone you just feel like it right now.
 
@SeekingAfrica you need to stop beating yourself up. We all make mistakes, procrastinate on making difficult decisions and have financial difficulties.

It was scary, being forced out of my house, I didn't have anywhere to sleep, I had a teenager living at home and I was a mess like you are today. Give yourself a break. Yes these are not simple options and if you are at all like me you would rather do anything that ask for help because you blame yourself for this situation but there are options.
You can handle this and you can do it by giving yourself a break and not taking it out on yourself by self-harming. Vent here as often as you need. Come here for support but make sure you are reaching out IRL to your support system, you are not alone you just feel like it right now.
Thank you for sharing all that. Gives me hope I can move through this. Honestly I think writing on here is me giving myself a break, in the past I have done self-harm things before I ever thought of sharing. I didn't think I deserved to share anything.

In terms of help it's all a mess. A lot of my closest friends are going through really hard situations too. And either they weren't able to help, or we end up joking with dark humor but we don't make anything better. Looking forward to therapy for sure. It's a free center that only opened up a year ago, but honestly they are the best. They are the reason I got through a really suicidal period 2 months ago(part of the reason I couldn't get a job sooner, I suppose).

As far as organizations here go, it's very underdeveloped here. In terms of mental health, in terms of assistance in need. Free mental health center is only recent and the second one ever in my city. There are support groups only for alcoholics & addicts so far. Government assistance takes months to organize. Churches don't have apartments and programs like in the USA, it's fully different system. The only NGO food bank only works directly with orphanages. So the options you have are not the ones we have over here. There might be others though, I will look into it, but not holding my breath. My best friend is in Vienna and she has offered to host me for free for few weeks if it came to that, but to get to her I'll need to spend some of the last money I have, which doesn't seem like a good idea now. Also it would be hard looking for a new place from another country. I don't know. I'll keep looking into things of course. Just not tonight I think. It's bedtime already, few hours passed and it's like I'm frozen in time, I'm not sure where that time went. Just trying to distract myself. Well, on the plus side, I have been successful so far in the distracting part. Still having the urge though. I think I'll be able to work on forgiving myself, just once I know that I'll be safe, that I know where I'm living... but it's really hard right now. And yes. I'm like you. Asking for help is one of the hardest things for me, usually followed by anxiety attack. I have done it when needed in the last year though.

Also maybe plan for longer term, even if you get the job where your rent can be much lower and you can pay over the amount needed to prevent ever being late. There are some solutions and others may jibe in and give you more support. I am impressed you reached out though. This is good.
Thanks! Actually in terms of future I've done all I could. The apartment I will be getting will either be a really small studio at the edge of the city(1 room, small bathroom and mini kitchenette but has most essentials) or a place with roomates. Both are similar prices, it's just a point of finding one that is still available. And that will cut my rent+utilities by 50%. And yes, I had to take that now because I can't afford better...but I am also planning to keep it for 2 years, no matter what jobs I get, so that I can get out of debt. And I have learned and keep learning a lot about cooking and cheapest stores in my area etc. And at this point I can spend 50% less on the same kind of food I was eating before- just being mindful to cook and think where I shop. And if I eat a bit less- I can save even more. So I am on the right track to spend less. It's just a point of getting there.
 
This is one of the WORST screw- ups I've done, in my life. It's one of those things that it's hugely important to not fall apart so that I can survive
<grin> Then you’ve lived a very good life. And will -undoubtedly- continue to do so, as that’s simply your character. But even people with the best character and intrinsic sense of honor make mistakes and have to learn from them, or fall on hard luck and simply have to do the best they can. You can feel proud of yourself for doing both.

So let’s take a step back and put things in perspective for a moment.

You owe someone money & need to find a place to live &/or store your things for a couple weeks.

Both of those things? Are very doable.

Unless I’m totally misreading your landlord, and he’s actually some kind of axe wielding maniac who rapes and murders tenants who are late on their rent? This isn’t a matter of survival, it’s a matter of logistics.

Anything before, and I don't know what I'll do with at least 2/3rds or my belongings and any decisions I may need to make about where I stay may just get me in more debt. Oh, and I'm a foreigner here and my parents are in another country so I can't just hop over to them.

Foreigner actually opens up some extra options natives aren’t privy to (from tourist hostels to the local embassy). I’d probably go with the hostel first, because I am disinclined towards involving authorities until I have no other choice, but you’d fall over laughing if you had any idea the “emergencies” brought to embassies day in and day out. AKA my bestie who is a diplomat is constantly interrupting my stories with “And then you went to the local Mission -we only have missions not embassies in half the places I get into trouble- and they sorted it out for you, right???” :woot: She knows me, so she knows that absolutely not what I did, but she has this persistent belief that if she pounds the same information information into my head enough times that ONCE, just once, I’ll go the offical route.

Meanwhile, the fact that you aren’t a tourist, but an expat, means you have options available to you tourists aren’t privy to (read friends and contacts... even your ballet studio might let you use a sleeping bag in the back room a couple nights, or maybe even stash a row of boxes along one wall in the back for the duration. Speaking of which... ).

As far as your stuff is concerned?

My very strong recommendation is to pack 2 bags MAX (think backpacking across Europe plus a few dishes; bags you could love out of for a week or a year), to keep with you, & box the rest of it up. Eat off paper plates kind of pack everything. >>> That way you can be ready to leave on super short notice / it’s not an emergency to have to leave, and your stuff can go into short term storage. Short term storage? Is INFINTIELY less expensive than renting a place to live... and again... since you have people you know? You could possibly borrow a place to keep your stuff from one person, whilst staying with another person or at a hostel, etc.
 
Just read this bit
My best friend is in Vienna and she has offered to host me for free for few weeks if it came to that, but to get to her I'll need to spend some of the last money I have, which doesn't seem like a good idea now
Or it may be an excellent idea, if you could work while you’re there. Either legally/your visa allows for it, or casually/picking up shifts at cafes or with your friend, or distance (not certain what your client-business is, if it’s something you can work on elsewhere or if it has to be 1:1)

TBH... this sounds like a GREAT idea to get back on your feet, and a little bit of distance between you & your day to day problems -a working vacation- whilst you save money, to return to your life.
 
I was actually kind of relieved learn no one had died. Not to minimize your distress. (Because 5 years from now? This will be a good, entertaining story of adventure.)

Looking at it from your landlord's perspective. Obviously, he wants to get paid. If you haven't already told him when you're SURE you can pay him and why you're sure of that, do so. People are way more likely to work with you if they're sure you aren't stringing them along. The next thing he's going to be concerned about is getting some income coming back from that apartment. His needs and yours might not coincide there, but it will probably help to acknowledge his needs and work with him as best you can. You might offer to help get things ready for the next renter. Or ask if there's anything else you can do to work off part of your debt.

Does he have a place there where you could store your stuff? You might tell him he can hold it as collateral until you can pay him. Solves your storage problem while, hopefully, showing him you really mean to pay him asap.
 
You can also look at it as a information veiled with a threat, but not a definite reality, what you were told.

Your landlord wants the money, obviously.
Wanting it fast, the same obviously.
The threat of eviction is likely to move things in that direction, as people commonly care about being homeless.

It does not mean he will follow on it that fast.
It only means you were told whatever you were told to act in a way that is wanted.
 
Update: I want to answer anyone. I am really grateful for all the sane advice and for shifting my focus from self harm to options. But I will do that later, as I need to process.

Here is what I know so far. I called my landlord today as he asked yesterday. I assume he wanted to have the evening to think about things as did I. The good thing is he didn't yell this time, he only requested to come to my place tomorrow to discuss the situation and figure out how we proceed. I don't really even know what this means, what he's thinking. All I know is, I guess I am safe for today. And I suppose if he wanted me to move out during the weekend he would have told me to start packing. So I think I am safe at least for 3 days. I think. I hope. All I can do is keep doing the things I've been doing(research, brainstorming, applications, cleaning, working/applying...). The bad part is... well... my 'fate' is sort of postponed for tomorrow. So if I don't have a good hang on my fear and anxiety about it, I can lose a long time like yesterday. Feeling okay so far, but usually the second half of the day is when fear really hits me.

Bonus: I didn't self harm yesterday. I lost several hours to crying, hot bath, writing, distractions. I lost several more for watching TV in bed until I couldn't keep my eyes open.
But I didn't do anything to myself.
 
but usually the second half of the day is when fear really hits me.
One of the nice things about this site, being world wide and all, is that there's usually someone around. So, don't be a stranger,ok? Dropping by here is something you can add to your list of conscious options too. (Good luck with the meeting. My guess is he really does want to come up with a plan that works for everyone.)
 
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