SeekingAfrica
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I screwed up BIG time. Might be one of the biggest ever. I don't know if there is fixing this- or rather, surviving it. And now I have to wait until tomorrow to have any idea what happens next. I feel sick. I keep thinking of all the ways I could have avoided this and all the ways in which I don't know how I'll handle...
In short, 3-4 months back I was laid off. I should have known then to move to cheaper place immediately, that getting work takes time... but I was in a bad mental space and kept holding onto 'it will get better soon.' I only got something of a regular size project few days ago(so weeks before it's paid). I used all savings, frugal tips, creative solutions, odd jobs and financial help I could get. I got into more debt. I got into bad mental state. Handled that and finally started seeing through... and now I'm back on rent+some bills and I will have to move out. I've known that for a while, and I've been trying to handle it. The thing is I was supposed to at least pay something back to my landlord before I move out, so I owe him less after that. Now I had to postpone that again because my odd jobs pay won't be until next week, and even then it's only a chunk of what I owe. In any case the last mini help I can get will be on 7th-10th of june. And my landlord is keeping my deposit to use as a part of the debt(it was small deposit so it's only 1/4 of what I owe). So I need to stay where I am until 10th and I don't know if I will. My landlord was really mad and said to call him tomorrow. And I'm afraid he'd want to call police on me/report me somewhere or want me to move out immediately(meaning let's say 3 days). There's no chance to do that.
And if it happens I can find where to sleep, but there's no way I can carry all my belongings around. He's not happy with how little I've paid back(not blaming at all, I just have to survive this somehow), and I don't know how to convince him to stay until 10th. Anything before, and I don't know what I'll do with at least 2/3rds or my belongings and any decisions I may need to make about where I stay may just get me in more debt. Oh, and I'm a foreigner here and my parents are in another country so I can't just hop over to them.
This is one of the WORST screw- ups I've done, in my life. It's one of those things that it's hugely important to not fall apart so that I can survive. But I am, tonight I am. Not knowing what I will need to be handling first until tomorrow is killing me. And knowing the things I've learned about being frugal in the last 3 months I know I could have handled my minimal finances the past months a whole lot better and have avoided this. I keep thinking of all the stuff I screwed up to here. And I know I can do better now, in a new place, getting new job, knowing all I know now. But there is this gap of the next 2 weeks, this gap between where I live and what I work now, and where I will live and the new jobs I am starting(and the first pay). And I don't know how to survive this gap. And it feels so impossible, so deadly, that all I can think of is that I can't do this, I am a horrible person. And the pain is so big that I keep imagining cutting into my skin just to do how I feel. Just to get through the night. Just to survive this suffocating guilt about not being smarter about this whole situation. And writing here is sort of... trying to hold onto something I guess. I feel like the ground beneath me is crumbling and my old world is falling apart and I just need to hold onto something before I do something stupid like self harm.
*disclaimer* this is not to shift any blame about the situation from myself. I was unhealthy, and stupid, and I handled things wrong. But I can't turn back time, only try to do better. But to do so, I first have to stop myself from harming myself in some way.
In short, 3-4 months back I was laid off. I should have known then to move to cheaper place immediately, that getting work takes time... but I was in a bad mental space and kept holding onto 'it will get better soon.' I only got something of a regular size project few days ago(so weeks before it's paid). I used all savings, frugal tips, creative solutions, odd jobs and financial help I could get. I got into more debt. I got into bad mental state. Handled that and finally started seeing through... and now I'm back on rent+some bills and I will have to move out. I've known that for a while, and I've been trying to handle it. The thing is I was supposed to at least pay something back to my landlord before I move out, so I owe him less after that. Now I had to postpone that again because my odd jobs pay won't be until next week, and even then it's only a chunk of what I owe. In any case the last mini help I can get will be on 7th-10th of june. And my landlord is keeping my deposit to use as a part of the debt(it was small deposit so it's only 1/4 of what I owe). So I need to stay where I am until 10th and I don't know if I will. My landlord was really mad and said to call him tomorrow. And I'm afraid he'd want to call police on me/report me somewhere or want me to move out immediately(meaning let's say 3 days). There's no chance to do that.
And if it happens I can find where to sleep, but there's no way I can carry all my belongings around. He's not happy with how little I've paid back(not blaming at all, I just have to survive this somehow), and I don't know how to convince him to stay until 10th. Anything before, and I don't know what I'll do with at least 2/3rds or my belongings and any decisions I may need to make about where I stay may just get me in more debt. Oh, and I'm a foreigner here and my parents are in another country so I can't just hop over to them.
This is one of the WORST screw- ups I've done, in my life. It's one of those things that it's hugely important to not fall apart so that I can survive. But I am, tonight I am. Not knowing what I will need to be handling first until tomorrow is killing me. And knowing the things I've learned about being frugal in the last 3 months I know I could have handled my minimal finances the past months a whole lot better and have avoided this. I keep thinking of all the stuff I screwed up to here. And I know I can do better now, in a new place, getting new job, knowing all I know now. But there is this gap of the next 2 weeks, this gap between where I live and what I work now, and where I will live and the new jobs I am starting(and the first pay). And I don't know how to survive this gap. And it feels so impossible, so deadly, that all I can think of is that I can't do this, I am a horrible person. And the pain is so big that I keep imagining cutting into my skin just to do how I feel. Just to get through the night. Just to survive this suffocating guilt about not being smarter about this whole situation. And writing here is sort of... trying to hold onto something I guess. I feel like the ground beneath me is crumbling and my old world is falling apart and I just need to hold onto something before I do something stupid like self harm.
*disclaimer* this is not to shift any blame about the situation from myself. I was unhealthy, and stupid, and I handled things wrong. But I can't turn back time, only try to do better. But to do so, I first have to stop myself from harming myself in some way.