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I See Healing! I See It Happening...

Discussion in 'General' started by permban0077, Dec 3, 2006.

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  1. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    I went back through my books tonight. Read and compared how I felt at one point until now. I recognize I still have a long way to go, I am not done.

    But the weird thing is as I have a lot to sort still, but I think so much more is simply acceptance, which I am getting better at. I still have some flaws to fix in my thinking but overall I see I am not a failure. I am not beating myself up about having to need help and accept help. I recognize PTSD symptoms for what they are. I am losing the feeling of being a failure for having to move. I don't see my self as a screw up. I am not blaming myself for having symptoms and accepting them for what they are and understanding why they are there.

    It hurt to be who I am but this is me and I have PTSD. I accept me even if it is not what could have been, I am seeing areas I can excel if I take the leap. Before I was too scared to even think that on a serious level, that I would always be holed up and a drain on hubs. I am accepting my scars and pain and how to work with them. I am seeing ways to use them, exploit them if you will.

    I am finding confidence unknown. I am healing... I am learning and accepting healing does not mean pain is gone, symptoms are not gone. They are less but not gone. And will be here for a long time/forever. But this does not make me less than any other person. It just means I have a condition I need to work with.

    When I compared notes on how I see myself I see I am truly healing. The symptoms are hard when there but I can see where it came from and I get it. And I am most of all OK with it for the most part of this being me. I am not done, but damn I am on my way!

    Just feels so good to feel changes and see them. I saw most in my notes I am leaning more to survivor now, and not victim. I feel good about this even with my insomnia kicking... It is just a symptom, I am stressed moving, who would not be awake all night with PTSD when they are moving cross country to a home unseen? Normal :) I am a normal person with PTSD.

    Would not be here with every last one of you, thank you all for helping me, I hope to pass it on.
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  3. GR-ass

    GR-ass Well-Known Member

    Hee Hee

    Likewise. That whole acceptence thing is beaut. I got there this week too *bounces*

    It is great to hear.
  4. madjon

    madjon Active Member

    good stuuf, your on your way, long way to go yet but you have done what is needed and can see the difference starting to happen, hopefully it will keep on happening and you will over time keep looking back and seeing the improvements get bigger
  5. Josh77

    Josh77 Active Member

    you have not only helped yourself, but also many of us (me included)... keep up the good work veiled!! and thanks for taking the time to help!!

  6. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

    Keep going Veiled. It hurt to see you go through the "hell" stage, but here you are, knowing you've crawled out...thank you for sharing your story. You've helped many on this forum...:kiss: :kiss:
  7. Terry

    Terry Well-Known Member

    WTG Veiled. Moving is not a normal thing. I'd rather do handstands in a sewage treatment plant than move.
  8. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

    wonderful, veiled. you have been a blessing to me, just reading your posts.
  9. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    It was very hard-weird today. Shit it is almost 5 AM... I had come to such good terms and hubs said a horrible thing. Kids were being bratty, I have teen, 8 yo, and toddler home, coping with teen girl moving out in the last few weeks. Hubs was max stress and they woke me yelling and fighting, a toddler came crying to me. Toddler and all the yelling was anxiety attack then and there. I can't get my head on straight and trying to focus to hubs being mad... I was simply told those kids need a mother. Oh, that hurt. 10 hours later I came back home. He took off work as kids were too much and why we are moving.

    But again I saw a move forward. I left instead of engagment, I talked and expressed feelings and had hubs do the same, I told him I knew his stress and validated it. Yes, no jobs, only so much in the bank, moving cross country... And me :) But let us look at productive ways to cope together. It was a good assult but it hurt and I told him in my work and workbooks I got to a a good place, I don't want or can be drug down. He came around.

    Tired but feeling better about it, and his sis kicked him in the butt :) That always helps.
  10. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Congrats, veiled! I think it's fantastic that you can see your progress and your healing. ((Hugs))

    BTW-stressed and moving have the exact same meaning...just different spellings! :tongue:

    I hope one day to be able to say this and truly believe it. Thanks for giving me something to aim for. :smile:
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