Childhood I sexually abused my younger siblings and can‘t remember

[Looking For Help]

Recently, I had flashbacks of things that happened when I was younger, over a decade ago. I don‘t know my exact age when these events took place, somewhere inbetween 11 - 13 probably? It‘s hard for me to say because the memories lack contextual clues. What I do remember though has made me realize that my actions back then were sexual abusive towards my younger (3 & 6 years younger) siblings.

My memories are mostly sensory and flashes of visual, but what I have been able to combine is that I asked my younger siblings (I don‘t know if both were involved or only one?) to come cuddle in my room. I would then (I‘m so disgusted to write this) place them on top of me and move them so that their private parts would rub against mine. I had seen this in movies and people on MovieStarPlanet were also doing this in private chatrooms with their avatars, and I had already tried this with my stuffed animals and learnt it felt good. So, clearly sexual intent, because I knew it was sexual behavior. Afterwards, we would cuddle normally. I remember this happening once fully clothed and once in underwear (no idea how we ended up in underwear, or how I got the idea to do that - pretty sure I persuaded them to do that). I don‘t know if it happened more than those two instances? Maybe a third or forth time? I simply do not know and it upsets me a lot. I think I also remember my youngest brother being uncomfortable? And I think I labelled this as „butt-massaging“ or something like that? I’m so disgusted typing this out. I have a really hard time piecing the memories together. I‘m also struggling a lot with other memories mixing up with the ones I have as an attempt for me to fill the gaps in my memory. The only reason why I can pinpoint my age is because a play-fight with my middle brother escalated in us being in a similar position when I was 14 and my youngest brother came in and was visibly disturbed. If that didn‘t happen, I wouldn‘t even be sure that I wasn‘t 16,17,18. i simply do not remember. Is there a way for me to remember? I‘m really scared I‘m repressing details that would make it even worse, like if they cried and I ignored it or stuff like that.

I don‘t know how to go on with life knowing I did that. Having done that to my younger siblings, to literal children, is atrocious and horrible and I don‘t understand why I would do that. Yes, I was curious, but I should have known better. I harmed children, in the worst way possible. I‘m so, so incredibly sorry for what has happened. It was never discovered or disclosed, and when I recently talked to my siblings about if something from our childhood was bothering them, they answered no and that they barely have any memories with me. Which, to me, indicates they probably repressed these events happening. Still means they could feel the consequences and simply not relate it to these events.

The guilt is eating me up. I have spent weeks now reading every bit of information and every survivor story there is out there on the topic. I‘ve talked to hotlines. I‘ve cried and cried and I don‘t deserve the pain to stop because I have caused much bigger pain. I can‘t go on with my day-to-day activities. I cannot think of anything else, even for a second. Child abusers don’t deserve shit, and I am one. I want to come clean about it, but I feel so lost because my brothers don‘t remember and what if I do more damage right now?. They deserve an apology and for me to take responsibility. Their healing is priority number 1.

If you, too, have been a victim of COCSA or SSA, I‘m so sorry. So, so sorry. You did not deserve this. It wasn‘t your fault, and it‘s not your shame to carry. I hope you‘ll be able to heal.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
I've removed the Trigger warnings from your post, we don't use them here (see our Community Constitution).

Looking For Help - what sort of help are you looking for? You've posted your story on a PTSD peer support forum. Do you or any of your siblings have PTSD?

 

[Weemie]

Child abusers don’t deserve shit, and I am one. I want to come clean about it, but I feel so lost because my brothers don‘t remember and what if I do more damage right now?

At 11 years old, you were a child as well. Adults who abuse children are bad because they know better and they do not care. They abuse opportunistically for self-gratification. Children who act out sexually simply do not have mens rea the way an adult would as they do not understand the implications of their actions in true detail.

I'm not saying it wasn't wrong or you're fine or dismissing your valid emotions. I know remorse. Like you I harmed others when I was a child. I was taught by the adults around me that violence was a valid solution to my problems. I was rewarded for violence and punished for empathy. I now understand that I am not as responsible as an adult.

Now when/if I commit violence it is all on me. My actions and my choice. My responsibility. As a kid that's not equal. Kids don't have the same amount of responsibility for their actions as adults. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to learn how to cope with these memories and heal from them so that if your siblings ever bring it up, you will be in a place to participate in a restorative environment.

I'd take a cue from AA. Work on yourself and don't force them into making amends if they're not ready or they don't remember it. It'll come out eventually. But you need to heal as well. A lot of the time when this type of thing happens it's because the child is repeating what they were exposed to. So some adult somewhere in your life failed you, too.

 

[scout86]

they answered no and that they barely have any memories with me. Which, to me, indicates they probably repressed these events happening.

I can see how it might suggest that to you, but it's entirely possible that they just don't have memories because it wasn't that memorable for them. What kind of relationship do you have with them now?

Are you seeing a therapist of any kind? It might help you to talk this through with an "expert". You sound pretty distressed and it's hard to tell how fair that it. It might be good to work through your own feelings about this and where they come from before you try to bring it up with your brothers again. From what I understand, a certain amount of that kind of "plaY" is perfectly normal and not harmful at all. Like you mentioned, the element of force/coercion can make a difference. I don't think anyone here is in a position to tell you if it was ok or not ok, but some sessions with a good therapist might help sort that out.

 

[Lookingforhelp]

Mod Note:
I've removed the Trigger warnings from your post, we don't use them here (see our Community Constitution).

Looking For Help - what sort of help are you looking for? You've posted your story on a PTSD peer support forum. Do you or any of your siblings have PTSD?

Hi!
I have PTSD symptoms from what I have done. I‘m currently waiting to get into therapy. Until then, I felt the need to talk about it somewhere. Especially because the random flashbacks and the uncertainty about my memories is extremely upsettting to me.

 

[caroline_13]

Recently, I had flashbacks of things that happened when I was younger, over a decade ago. I don‘t know my exact age when these events took place, somewhere inbetween 11 - 13 probably? It‘s hard for me to say because the memories lack contextual clues. What I do remember though has made me realize that my actions back then were sexual abusive towards my younger (3 & 6 years younger) siblings.

My memories are mostly sensory and flashes of visual, but what I have been able to combine is that I asked my younger siblings (I don‘t know if both were involved or only one?) to come cuddle in my room. I would then (I‘m so disgusted to write this) place them on top of me and move them so that their private parts would rub against mine. I had seen this in movies and people on MovieStarPlanet were also doing this in private chatrooms with their avatars, and I had already tried this with my stuffed animals and learnt it felt good. So, clearly sexual intent, because I knew it was sexual behavior. Afterwards, we would cuddle normally. I remember this happening once fully clothed and once in underwear (no idea how we ended up in underwear, or how I got the idea to do that - pretty sure I persuaded them to do that). I don‘t know if it happened more than those two instances? Maybe a third or forth time? I simply do not know and it upsets me a lot. I think I also remember my youngest brother being uncomfortable? And I think I labelled this as „butt-massaging“ or something like that? I’m so disgusted typing this out. I have a really hard time piecing the memories together. I‘m also struggling a lot with other memories mixing up with the ones I have as an attempt for me to fill the gaps in my memory. The only reason why I can pinpoint my age is because a play-fight with my middle brother escalated in us being in a similar position when I was 14 and my youngest brother came in and was visibly disturbed. If that didn‘t happen, I wouldn‘t even be sure that I wasn‘t 16,17,18. i simply do not remember. Is there a way for me to remember? I‘m really scared I‘m repressing details that would make it even worse, like if they cried and I ignored it or stuff like that.

I don‘t know how to go on with life knowing I did that. Having done that to my younger siblings, to literal children, is atrocious and horrible and I don‘t understand why I would do that. Yes, I was curious, but I should have known better. I harmed children, in the worst way possible. I‘m so, so incredibly sorry for what has happened. It was never discovered or disclosed, and when I recently talked to my siblings about if something from our childhood was bothering them, they answered no and that they barely have any memories with me. Which, to me, indicates they probably repressed these events happening. Still means they could feel the consequences and simply not relate it to these events.

The guilt is eating me up. I have spent weeks now reading every bit of information and every survivor story there is out there on the topic. I‘ve talked to hotlines. I‘ve cried and cried and I don‘t deserve the pain to stop because I have caused much bigger pain. I can‘t go on with my day-to-day activities. I cannot think of anything else, even for a second. Child abusers don’t deserve shit, and I am one. I want to come clean about it, but I feel so lost because my brothers don‘t remember and what if I do more damage right now?. They deserve an apology and for me to take responsibility. Their healing is priority number 1.

If you, too, have been a victim of COCSA or SSA, I‘m so sorry. So, so sorry. You did not deserve this. It wasn‘t your fault, and it‘s not your shame to carry. I hope you‘ll be able to heal.

Thank you for posting this.

I am glad you are going to see a therapist. I am also grateful for your apology and your range of emotions.

My gut tells me to process this with your therapist and don't bring it up with your siblings until they do; you took the major step of asking them if there is anything that has bothered them. Now, work on yourself with your therapy team; also, don't allow this to ruin your life. You do have value as a human being. You are not a monster.

This makes me think of my brother (with whom I've cut ties now for years) who still treats me like sh*t. You don't seem like my brother. Although he, too, has his story.

 

[Blueseal78]

I was sexually abused as a child, then went on to have abusive adult relationships and then had sexual assault. When I was a child me and my best friend used to play games, well at the time I seen it as games but lately wonder if it was abuse/me overpowering her. We were same age and at the time she seemed to go along with it, until abit later on when she didn't want to any more and I tried making her. Does this make me as bad as the people who abused me? Was this the outcome of me being abused? Why would I be so sexually alert at that age if not. I think it was just innocent play and exploring bodies, but then think it gave me pleasure, so it couldn't have been, although play is meant to be pleasurable. None of the sexual abuse I suffered aroused me in any way, shape or form, so it confuses me to think i would find anything sexual at that age. Reading your post its made me think all the more.
It could be my friend hasn't thought about any of it since. She seems to have got on well in life from what have heard on the grapevine, successful degree/career, husband and children. So maybe it wasn't damaging. I still think about it. I cant blame myself as at the time I just thought was natural I suppose, although I knew the abuse i was going through wasn't. What me and my friend did, I didn't see as anything bad, I didn't hurt her and i for years put it down to just exploring. Maybe I explored too much, down to the fact of being abused myself.
I can see how you are feeling with what you went through/going through, there is so much confusion. I feel bad about what I did when I look back, yet at same time think if I hadn't have been abused, would I have even done anything like that. Sex wouldn't normally be on a child radar.
Please dont beat yourself up over this, its a difficult thing to realize and accept.

 

[GrumpyCat]

I was abused by my brother when we were children. Physically, mentally and yes, sexually. Of those three, the most impactful was the physical and mental abuse. The sexual abuse was the most memorable but I've been able to move beyond it. I am still dealing with the long term affect of the physical and mental abuse, as it has caused my PTSD.

My brother does not remember the sexual abuse and though the physical and mental abuse continued into our young adult lives, he refuses to admit it had detrimental affects on me and in fact, ironically, tried to have me committed and convinced the rest of my family I was "crazy" when I tried to explain to him why I hadn't been contacting him and was having a hard time with his presence. Ironic because of course his behavior towards me as a child (He is six years older than me but was 14 when the sex abuse occurred) was the primary cause of my PTSD and mental issues as an adult.

If they don't' remember it, I'd let it go. Also, I understand the disgust you feel but you genuinely have to move through this and accept that we all do things we regret at times in our life. The key is to not repeat the mistakes and, when appropriate, offer genuine remorse and amends to those we perpetrated on.