Ava Jarvis
Gold Member
I can't sleep.
This is kind of a spin-off from another thread.
I was thinking about how I dealt with love for the longest time. Let's start with Love For Self, even though that's not really where one has to start—one can totally love others without loving oneself, but it's not the case for everybody.
I used to believe I didn't deserve love. It went beyond that—I actively loathed the idea of being loved, by others or by myself. I wasn't a person who deserved to be loved. The idea of someone loving me in any way caused me great amounts of discomfort and self-loathing.
Of course, I reinforced this subconsciously in how I viewed the world and how I let the world act upon me. I chose an abusive employer for multiple reasons, but one of them was indeed that I thought that was how I should be treated. I chose friends who gave me "tough love" because I thought this was how I should be treated. I chose not to trust people who loved me unconditionally—though that never did crop up, because it happens so rarely in this world. And people who hated themselves, I clung to as role models.
Over the years, though, I learned more and more. I got kinder instead of cleverer. I immersed myself in the side of Tumblr that a lot of people spit at for being overly tolerant of "different" people and non-tolerant of prejudice.
It took a long while for me to understand that kindness was worth way more than cleverness. Cleverness did things like leave code messes for other people to clean up. Cleverness did things like play devil's advocate forcefully on people who seemed vulnerable and wrong. Cleverness could and often did breed a cruel arrogance.
And, well, I eventually realized that I could have done with a lot of kindness when I was younger. I also came from an underpriviieged family, stuff that tends to make one more sympathetic to plights in general (though not always). I applied the principle of kindness to others—but I myself was the very last bastion.
It took someone saying that they loved me, and me being finally ready to start accepting that idea... It took that to break down the final barriers. It was then that I learned that validation and acceptance and constant confirmation is not shameful at all, but a requirement for my own happiness, and in that I was not alone by far.
So now I was letting someone love me. I loved them back. We tell each other we love each other every day quite often. Sometimes we just say it every half-hour or so until bedtime. It's amazing... Amazing how kindness breaks down barriers more often than cleverness ever will.
It's amazing how much stronger kindness makes you than cleverness.
It's amazing how much love fortifies.
For me, it's not a sexual kind of love. I'm asexual (though not aromantic—basically I have romantic feelings, but they don't require sexual consummation, and I really don't want to have sex). Is it platonic? I dunno, feels like it goes deeper than that.
Of course, this is not to say that kindness and love are the answer to everything. I know that sometimes it just isn't, and something else is needed to break the final barrier. Kindness and love weren't even the only factors in breaking my own barrier. Life's always more complex than that.
Sometimes I honestly still bristle at the idea that I shouldn't love myself. This is an idea that is often originating from myself these days in reaction to seeing others saying what I used to say—that they don't deserve to be loved, that they only deserve hate, that the only way to live a good life is to know how evil they were and to never give in to loving themselves.
That's on me, though.
I see it so often. But often I hold back from saying anything to the holders of these beliefs. People can't change until they both want to and are ready.
But examples can be stronger than any amount of arguing. It's amazing what people can do when you leave them to judge things for themselves.
I know of course that some people'll judge me as some kind of pathetic sicko for believing such things. It hurts to think about, but it's just going to be what happens, and I can't do anything about it. It stings, but that's all it'll do.
Maybe I can sleep now? Pretty sure I've got a manic episode going. The insomnia usually is a big hint...
This is kind of a spin-off from another thread.
I was thinking about how I dealt with love for the longest time. Let's start with Love For Self, even though that's not really where one has to start—one can totally love others without loving oneself, but it's not the case for everybody.
I used to believe I didn't deserve love. It went beyond that—I actively loathed the idea of being loved, by others or by myself. I wasn't a person who deserved to be loved. The idea of someone loving me in any way caused me great amounts of discomfort and self-loathing.
Of course, I reinforced this subconsciously in how I viewed the world and how I let the world act upon me. I chose an abusive employer for multiple reasons, but one of them was indeed that I thought that was how I should be treated. I chose friends who gave me "tough love" because I thought this was how I should be treated. I chose not to trust people who loved me unconditionally—though that never did crop up, because it happens so rarely in this world. And people who hated themselves, I clung to as role models.
Over the years, though, I learned more and more. I got kinder instead of cleverer. I immersed myself in the side of Tumblr that a lot of people spit at for being overly tolerant of "different" people and non-tolerant of prejudice.
It took a long while for me to understand that kindness was worth way more than cleverness. Cleverness did things like leave code messes for other people to clean up. Cleverness did things like play devil's advocate forcefully on people who seemed vulnerable and wrong. Cleverness could and often did breed a cruel arrogance.
And, well, I eventually realized that I could have done with a lot of kindness when I was younger. I also came from an underpriviieged family, stuff that tends to make one more sympathetic to plights in general (though not always). I applied the principle of kindness to others—but I myself was the very last bastion.
It took someone saying that they loved me, and me being finally ready to start accepting that idea... It took that to break down the final barriers. It was then that I learned that validation and acceptance and constant confirmation is not shameful at all, but a requirement for my own happiness, and in that I was not alone by far.
So now I was letting someone love me. I loved them back. We tell each other we love each other every day quite often. Sometimes we just say it every half-hour or so until bedtime. It's amazing... Amazing how kindness breaks down barriers more often than cleverness ever will.
It's amazing how much stronger kindness makes you than cleverness.
It's amazing how much love fortifies.
For me, it's not a sexual kind of love. I'm asexual (though not aromantic—basically I have romantic feelings, but they don't require sexual consummation, and I really don't want to have sex). Is it platonic? I dunno, feels like it goes deeper than that.
Of course, this is not to say that kindness and love are the answer to everything. I know that sometimes it just isn't, and something else is needed to break the final barrier. Kindness and love weren't even the only factors in breaking my own barrier. Life's always more complex than that.
Sometimes I honestly still bristle at the idea that I shouldn't love myself. This is an idea that is often originating from myself these days in reaction to seeing others saying what I used to say—that they don't deserve to be loved, that they only deserve hate, that the only way to live a good life is to know how evil they were and to never give in to loving themselves.
That's on me, though.
I see it so often. But often I hold back from saying anything to the holders of these beliefs. People can't change until they both want to and are ready.
But examples can be stronger than any amount of arguing. It's amazing what people can do when you leave them to judge things for themselves.
I know of course that some people'll judge me as some kind of pathetic sicko for believing such things. It hurts to think about, but it's just going to be what happens, and I can't do anything about it. It stings, but that's all it'll do.
Maybe I can sleep now? Pretty sure I've got a manic episode going. The insomnia usually is a big hint...
