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Sexual Assault I still blame myself

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I think today is the anniversary of one particular sexual assault that happened because I was trying to protect the guy that assaulted me because he was inebriated past point of recognition and was about to walk out onto a wet motel hallway while so drunk he couldn't walk. I don't really remember dates tho, but I keep having flashbacks. He pinned me down and groped me while my boyfriend (another rapist and abuser, which I don't remember if he raped me before or after this, I think before, I know he sexually assaulted me before) laughed and said he was going to join in. I got him off me and such (he had 80lbs and a foot on me).

I tried to make art about it today. All I could make is a piece of me crossing my fingers behind my back with text that read "how many times did I promise myself no more?" I just let people use me for sex, or maybe I used sex to seek external validation, for years after my experiences with my first boyfriend and my friend who assaulted me. I blame myself for that. My first therapist blamed me for that, for getting inebriated and initiating sexual contact. Her exact words were "well maybe if you didn't smoke and drink so much it wouldn't happen so much." There are some other things I could bring her up on, too. She tried to pressure me into reporting my rape by telling me about her own rape and how he was murdering people and how if she didn't report him he would have murdered more people. My rapists were not murderers.

I currently don't have a T. He switched practices and I haven't called to see if he still takes my insurance. I was thinking about changing Ts though just because he's very new agey and I think I need something more grounded right now. I have coping skills and all and am safe I just....I blame myself. I think it's my fault. 5 years later. I dismantled my need for external validation and now have no sense of self worth. I feel utterly worthless.


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Hi @Strangelongtrip, I also was really blaming myself for my assault, and therapy didn't get rid of the horrific flashbacks and nightmares. So I did trauma writing therapy at home - it really worked for me. Reprogrammed my brain. No more flashbacks since. There's a $5 app called Detrauma on Android that tells you how to do it (you write with pen and paper). It's great.
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