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I still feel the blame

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I am in pain. I try to convince myself that the violence towards me in my childhood is not my fault. But for some reason I always get back in time and feel like I am responsible for this.
Sometimes I get angry at my parents and am ready to scream "why would you do that to me?? why did you make me believe it was my fault?? why couldn't you just be normal parents like everyone else??"
But after that I always get back to this feeling like I am the one to blame. Is it all my fault? Logic says "of course not, no child deserves being abused". But emotionally I am stuck in this feeling of guilt.
I cannot stop my inner critic from blaming me. I feel that he is much stronger than me. One time I almost killed myself, but got out of this. Now I feel that I am getting close to suicide again.
I feel weak, unworthy, full of pain and nothing else. I want to blame them for this, but I keep blaming myself.
gentle empathy, natasha. i ran into the same problem early into my own recovery. i jumped that hurdle through "parenting my inner child." i'm not sure i should put that in the past tense. i'm 68 and my inner child still cries on a fairly routine basis. the good news is that parenting real time children has taught me how to be far more patient with her than i was back in the bad old days.

my real time children have shown me just how deeply children blame themselves for EVERYTHING. i'm currently parenting a 9 year old child who still blames himself for the death of his parents in september, 2019. they were on their way to visit him when the accident happened, after all. . . i just rock him gently and cry with him. i'll tell him it wasn't his fault as many times as he needs me to.

be gentle with yourself and patient with the process, natasha. healing hopes for all. no exceptions.
I feel like this sometimes because I feel like everyone hates like me but then I remember there is no reason that people hate me
they just don't know what I have been through but you do know what you have been through so you can be self compassionate

I dont know why our abusers did what they did but they would do it to anyone ...

I try to think of myself in the 3rd person like if someone has been though what we did we wouldn't blame them we would empathise with them
Feeling The Blame I Do. It has a hold on me. Everytime I think I am out... it pulls me back in.
Black sheep I still am, and when I become more succesfull... wauw... amazed by the reactions that I get from siblings and others...

But succes will be my best revenge
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