I subconciously don't allow myself to sleep

Missesme

New Here
I am so weak. I truly thought just walking more would help me regain strength after over a year of almost all the time being in bed. It didn't. The less I sleep the weaker I am. I was meant to catsit. Just feed twice a day but I didn't tell my neigbhbours about my messed up sleeping pattern. That is around four to six hours every morning to midday. That means I am not feeling their cats how they would and I feel guilty. They apparently ignore their kibble so I know they are hungry since they haven't gotten wet food. Cats are so picky. What if my neighbours come home to hungry cats? What if there is no water left? My mother gave them food but what about water?

I should have said no when they asked me for help. I am to whatever for that much responsibility. But would that have been an excuse? I cant feed your cats because I cant do this and that because I have ocd tied woth cptsd? The yarenot my pets and I am really not made for caring for other peoples things, pets or even children.

I just have so much ocd stuff to do before sleeping that I force myself to stay awake. My ocd is harming me and it is propably not good if I stay awake al night keeping my dog from a calm night.

I just can't feel safe and being out of control and unable to do ocd things while asleep is very uncomfortanle for me. Thank you for reading my rambling. Maybe I should just be open to m neighbours about the different feeding Times I had to do. Their instructions were just twice a day
 

Friday

Moderator
>^..^< Cats piece first >^..^<
Their instructions were just twice a day
Twice a day, is twice a day. You’re doing that.

If they took the cats to a kennel whilst away? The cats wouldn’t be fed at the same times as they are fed at home, nor would they have the comforts of being at home.

If they wanted their cats fed at precise times? They would have given you detailed instructions about those times. They did not. They said to feed them twice a day, and you are doing exactly as they asked.

Stop inventing extra rules to follow. 😁 Truly. At least about impossible things.

I should have said no when they asked me for help. I am too whatever for that much responsibility.
Been there! For many many reasons. It’s an exhausting lesson to learn & relearn.


🏥 ⚕️ In Bed For A Year⚕️🏥
I am so weak. I truly thought just walking more would help me regain strength after over a year of almost all the time being in bed. It didn't.
Also done that! And then spent the next 2 years injuring & reinjuring myself, as my muscles were so weak/atrophied. TBH 3 years out I’m still not able to do all I used to, much less all I wish to. I’m getting there, but it’s taking far more time than I ever imagined.


💤 🥱 Sleeping Piece 💤 😴
I just have so much ocd stuff to do before sleeping that I force myself to stay awake. My ocd is harming me and it is propably not good if I stay awake al night keeping my dog from a calm night.

I just can't feel safe and being out of control and unable to do ocd things while asleep is very uncomfortanle for me.
I have ADHD sleep issues.
I have PTSD sleep issues.
I have trauma related sleep issues.
I have life related sleep issues.

It’s brutal.

The times in my life my sleep has affected me the least were the times I was able to build my life around what works best for me, and simply ignore whatever happens to be common. That’s looked a lot of different ways, and I know this, but it still creates a tremendous anxiety / lack of trust in myself, when I’m in between one of those places & have yet to find a schedule that fits with my life.

I’m currently considering turning down a “dream job” type job (it’s not actually a dream job, just something I care deeply about and am afraid of failing), just because I have no faith in myself to be awake when I need to be awake… which leads to my staying awake for days at a time in order to not oversleep (I only sleep for 4 hours for the most part, but when those 4 hours happen??? \_(ツ)_/¯ No idea! Not right now, anyway).

The smart move is to not take the job I can’t guarantee being able to do, but taking the job would also give me the ability to fix the problems that aren’t allowing me to guarantee being able to do it. 😵‍💫 C’est la vie.

So I either have to get myself to a place where I’m okay failing in this job, or not take it, and take a different job, that would get me to a place where I could guarantee the first. Sigh. It’s a difficult thing. Deciding when to push and when to back off. That same lesson I’ve learned & relearned IDFK how many times. But that’s what learning to trust myself takes. Making decisions, being wrong, learning from them; making decisions, being right, & learning from them. Time and again. Keep trying. Until it’s easy. (And something else is challenging! 🤣)
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Cats are hardy animals. If they are being fed twice a day, they can really cope with that happening at different times. As a cat mama (well, just had to put my kitty to sleep....) I was really ok when someone fed her at different times when we went away. The cat was absolutely fine. As long as she gets fed and as long as she has clean water. It's ok.
Can you let that guilt go or counter balance it with words like the above?

Sleep: not sleeping, I'm not surprised to hear that isn't making you stronger. Why do you think it would? And why do you think it's weak to sleep?
Your body needs sleep. If you feel vulnerable whilst asleep, is there something you can do to create a sense of safety?
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i'm not seeing weakness here. i'm seeing a great strength of honesty and awareness in your assessment of the situation. change is never easy, but with honest awareness, all things are possible. stay strong.

my hyperactive metabolism would never allow me to voluntarily spend an entire year in a single location, but insomnia and unpredictable sleep schedules are psychotically familiar to me. paying careful attention to my "sleep hygiene" is my primary ticket to a restorative rest, whatever hours of the day i choose to take that rest.

steadying support while you find what works for you. stay brave.

for what it's worth
when i return home from a trip, the critters are always thrilled to see me that i never can tell how well they have been cared for in my absence.
 
You're doing just fine with the cats because they don't like to be controlled, you've got to treat them with great sensitivity, and if you can't figure out what they want all the time then that's not your problem. Cats easily learn how to hunt prey when they are outside, i suspect they are doing it based on the fact they don't eat the kibble, or maybe just finding some food or being fed by someone else. I have two cats that i adopted because they wanted to be, they're really sweet but sometimes they annoy and confuse me with their catty-ness. Cats love to sleep, so they dissappear for long periods of time. They also don't need to eat a whole lot to survive, in comparison to humans a tiny amount of food.
 
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