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I survived my anniversary with out an major meltdowns

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Fadeaway

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I made it thought the day and I am feeling ok. I think this is mostly due to the amazing support from my best friend. She knows about this site but to my knowledge is not a member. I do hope she sees this though.

Being a fellow suffer, she knew exactly what I needed. We created a number of contingency plans and I think that just knowing they were there, was huge. It is amazing what feeling supported can do for getting through rough times.

It also meant a lot to me that @Friday remembered my anniversary was coming up.

My husband started the day being supportive and even bought me a survival kit with chocolate, smokes and my favorite foods. He lost it later in the day, but he had his own emotional crap going on with fathers day, so I guess he gets a pass.

Anyways, I feel like I am making progress in healing. I am still sad, I still morn for my baby girl. I am still bitter about the way the hospital treated me, by sticking me in a recovery room with a happy family while I was grieving all alone. I still want justice for her. I still fantasize about doing things to pay back her father for beating me so badly while I was pregnant with her that it cased her death. I know in reality I never will though. And no, I don't believe in karma.

I still think of the what if's. What if I would have protected my stomach instead of face. What if the ambulance had been willing to take me to the hospital of my choice. What if the Dr.s would have listened to me when I said my water was broken. What if if they responded right away when I starting complain about pain and realized I had developed a uterine infection.
What if I hadn't eaten that cheesecake causing them to delay the emergency c-section.

I'll never know, and while I can wonder, I need to make peace with the fact that changes nothing.

All in all, I think I will be ok. I can acknowledge the sadness and still feel like I can move forward. That is a pretty huge change for me.
 
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