I think I’m just starting to realize my trauma

HumanNOS

Learning
My mother has a personality disorder. When I was young 5-10 she would tell me she would kill herself if I went to my dads for the scheduled custody. I never knew how I would find her when I got back. If there would be blood...

I worked on that. And it wasn’t all my mother did.

My daughter became suicidal at 16. She had started self harming before. She was until recently hospitalized. But my children are adopted and all have their own special needs and reasons.

But the last time we had a therapy session she yelled at me how she was going to kill herself. And that’s when I kinda broke and my therapists/doc got really really serious about me working on having PTSD. And I have wonderful doctors #blessed.

But it’s just so hard to get through my head that I was abused, that my daughter was my retrigger and now I have to face this. Because my mother and my daughter both are still in my life. What do you do about that!?!?!

My daughter called me last night from her new place. She chose a therapeutic foster home in lieu of working to come home. And I didn’t talk to her. She didn’t leave a message. But I have no idea what to say to this girl. And I don’t know if I need to!

One of the hardest things for me, about accepting PTSD, is that what I’ve been told and taught may not be right. Like I’ve always told myself I had “excuses“ for not doing something, when there very well could have been legitimate reasons. I’ve NEVER been good to myself. Blah. I just don’t know how to tell.

Feeling overwhelmed. Would love some good vibes or any shares. Have therapy tomorrow!! ?
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @HumanNOS , sorry your so troubled. It's sounds like you need to focus on yourself for a while. I don't have kids so can't give any advice but I'm glad your having therapy tommorow. Try to be kind to yourself and maybe ask T for advice on how to move forward. When someone's running on empty it's hard to help other people. What's your support network like? Family or friends? Sending positive support your way. ?S3.
 

HumanNOS

Learning
My support network is primarily the specialists that have treated the kiddos. It’s hard for people to understand our life. Our children were abused beyond belief before they came to us. It’s amazing how you can damage so much in such a short period of time.

So between getting my own help and then having to get theirs as well...I’ve had A LOT of therapy ?

But I’ve never really put myself first like this before. Note that I’ve never had night terrors that left me scratching the Jehoshaphat out of my face, either. So it seems like the time. But farts...this is hard
 
K

KNL

My mother has a personality disorder. When I was young 5-10 she would tell me she would kill herself if I went to my dads for the scheduled custody. I never knew how I would find her when I got back. If there would be blood...

I worked on that. And it wasn’t all my mother did.

My daughter became suicidal at 16. She had started self harming before. She was until recently hospitalized. But my children are adopted and all have their own special needs and reasons.

But the last time we had a therapy session she yelled at me how she was going to kill herself. And that’s when I kinda broke and my therapists/doc got really really serious about me working on having PTSD. And I have wonderful doctors #blessed.

But it’s just so hard to get through my head that I was abused, that my daughter was my retrigger and now I have to face this. Because my mother and my daughter both are still in my life. What do you do about that!?!?!

My daughter called me last night from her new place. She chose a therapeutic foster home in lieu of working to come home. And I didn’t talk to her. She didn’t leave a message. But I have no idea what to say to this girl. And I don’t know if I need to!

One of the hardest things for me, about accepting PTSD, is that what I’ve been told and taught may not be right. Like I’ve always told myself I had “excuses“ for not doing something, when there very well could have been legitimate reasons. I’ve NEVER been good to myself. Blah. I just don’t know how to tell.

Feeling overwhelmed. Would love some good vibes or any shares. Have therapy tomorrow!! ?

Im so sorry. I wish you the best. I knew my childhood was hard but i....normalised everything in my mind. Thought people had it worse and i had no right to complain. Im 32 and just a year ago started dealing with my CPTSD. Accepting it. It took me a year to go from long held rage to grieving. Im about 2 seconds away from sobbing all the time. I sob louder than i thought i could. It hurts. Then feels good. Then hurts. For me the hardest part is accepting that because i was traumatized from infancy my brain developed differently. My mind physically works differently than others. I have to learn to reprogram the way i think. Its daunting. I read your post and just wanted you to know you are not alone. I wish i had advice for you. This road is long and dark, but im told there is light at the end. I hope thats true for you.
 
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