I think I have ruined my life

[SeekingAfrica]

Yeah, dramatic.
I don't even have strength to explain. It feels like there's no point anyway.
Life is as it is.

But since yesterday I've been feeling in constant fog that's getting worse and worse in how I feel about my life.
I know it's not objective, but I still can't just snap out.

It feels like I'm in quicksand and I know I'm sinking, everyone around knows I'm sinking, but if I move I'll just sink deeper. So the question isn't if I sink but when.
It feels like I'm out of air and out of strength.
Like for things to be okay I need to rewind to before 2010 when I got PTSD and things got downhill.
I know somewhere far there is more. It's like it's behind a thick wall I can't see through.

 

[Defaultxlove]

I have felt my life was completely ruined and it’s just not true. T helped me get to a point where I was thrilled to live again. I’ve been back at depression but the positive or up/high memories make the next lows easier. If that makes sense

Hopefully you can rest. I know for me focusing on sleep has helped a lot. Or even just being still

 

[bungle2234]

Yeah, dramatic.
I don't even have strength to explain. It feels like there's no point anyway.
Life is as it is.

But since yesterday I've been feeling in constant fog that's getting worse and worse in how I feel about my life.
I know it's not objective, but I still can't just snap out.

It feels like I'm in quicksand and I know I'm sinking, everyone around knows I'm sinking, but if I move I'll just sink deeper. So the question isn't if I sink but when.
It feels like I'm out of air and out of strength.
Like for things to be okay I need to rewind to before 2010 when I got PTSD and things got downhill.
I know somewhere far there is more. It's like it's behind a thick wall I can't see through.

hello have spoken to your gp thats the first step they can put you in touch with groups and a support net work and meds my meds help me get through the day but modt importantly your not alone things will start to get a bit of support people say they understand but only a few do my boss doent understand or want to she jeeps asking wben will you be fixed she hasnt got a clue use this forum its helped me a lot nevergive up you will get through it

 

[Sideways]

I still can't just snap out.

No, unfortunately there’s no ‘snapping out of’ mental illness. I doubt you’d expect that of anyone you care about - to just ‘snap out of it’.

Lean into the self-care that AI has recommended. It’s an investment, not a time-waster.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm so sorry you find yourself in such a bad place. Please don't stop fighting.

 

[caroline_13]

Yeah, dramatic.
I don't even have strength to explain. It feels like there's no point anyway.
Life is as it is.

But since yesterday I've been feeling in constant fog that's getting worse and worse in how I feel about my life.
I know it's not objective, but I still can't just snap out.

It feels like I'm in quicksand and I know I'm sinking, everyone around knows I'm sinking, but if I move I'll just sink deeper. So the question isn't if I sink but when.
It feels like I'm out of air and out of strength.
Like for things to be okay I need to rewind to before 2010 when I got PTSD and things got downhill.
I know somewhere far there is more. It's like it's behind a thick wall I can't see through.

Here for you.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Thank you everyone. Today was the hardest of the last 3 and that's saying something. I considered many dark options. I allowed myself to have a chat with some year long friends about it even though I felt I was burdening them. I cried for hours to the point of having migraine.
I haven't 'done' much besides existing.

I did a lot of stopping myself from worse things.
There are many options that presented themselves to me for one reason or another for the future- the general future, or in February, or at New Years, things like that. And it's all things I consider and then set aside, because before getting to that point, I need to first pull myself up this month in a very significant way. To both make a certain income without any job that's secure right now, AND to get myself IN a mental state where I can work and apply to jobs.
The last 3 days are the first in months I've thought of SH, or more, as 'service' to others to not burden them. I also didn't do a lot and those aren't days I could afford to lose. It was the first time in a while I didn't wonder why people in crime movies do desperate things, and was sad that I didn't have it in me to be like that.

So it all comes down to this.
I can't spend more days like this.
Neither for getting income on time, NOR for surviving mentally. So I will need a strict mental health and work routine. I will need to make some changes. Because if I don't make those healthy changes, the way down can always get deeper.

I'm not sure I'm strong enough, but it's the reality. Also drew on my fingers rather than SH, and to be honest I like how it looks while I type. It's a reminded that I didn't dig deeper into the darkness. But now- now I gotta sleep or my brain will explode. Crying for 2 hours hysterically is just not healthy. And tomorrow I need to make some choices.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm so stupid. For a moment, just for a while there I allowed myself to think there's a way out of this. That I can do better, be better, save my income, save my place.
For a moment I felt human again.

And then there's NOW.
My job got paused for 2 months.
I lost a week to flashbacks and deep depression. Somehow thought things would fit together and I'll make it one more month.
Somehow I thought some things would come together, I'll get through the next 4 weeks paying what I should, go to my friend for a month and return just on time to start a new job I found. And things would come together. They have not. And I just learned that they will not this morning.
For the last few days I'd gotten over the worst hump in the depression part, and I thought there was hope.
For a bit it seemed like there was hope.

Hope is a scarce commodity. I used it up.
I was so stupid.
It's like I'm repeating the same month again except more tired of life. I'm seeing a friend today, because I'm afraid of the thoughts I'd have if I'm alone.
Though I'm afraid of the thoughts I'd have seeing her too. But it is still safer. Probably.
I know nothing, apparently.

 

[MMBB]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. You are not alone. It's a rollercoaster and I for one just want to get off. I'm hoping you have found some regulation since first writing this. Basically, I wanted to let you know that there are others here in this storm with you even when it feels completely isolating.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. You are not alone. It's a rollercoaster and I for one just want to get off. I'm hoping you have found some regulation since first writing this. Basically, I wanted to let you know that there are others here in this storm with you even when it feels completely isolating.

Thanks.... No, it has indeed been a rollercoaster. It's like a part of me is pulling to keep trying and using every option I humanly possess...
And then there is a part of me that has no clue how to keep going and has regular moments of daydreaming about SH.
Some days are bearable (today).
Some feel like every minute my lungs are on fire and I'm not sure why I'm still trying. Thank you for saying I'm not alone.
It can be very isolating when you have those thoughts. I genuinely don't know how I'll pull through this time.

 

[MMBB]

I hope you are having a good few days. Sometimes we just have to put one foot in front of the other and go minute by minute. But, you are strong and you can do this, too.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I hope you are having a good few days. Sometimes we just have to put one foot in front of the other and go minute by minute. But, you are strong and you can do this, too.

I have been. I finally gave in and opened up to some friends, reconnected to some I lost touch with, sought help from my alumni community. All extremely vulnerable things but I was in extreme headspace. The help and support I've been getting is more than I could have hoped for.
I'm not out of the woods yet, but yes, one foot in front of the other has been working.
I wasn't sure I'd make it til New Year and now occasionally I'm planning for next year. I'm trying.
There are still impossible days, but there are also good days. I'm hopeful I'll eventually pull through. I will owe a lot of gratitude to a lot of people but it's a start. I feel bad for seeking help like that but I was at my wits end.