I think I might be dissociating


New Here
I'm 26(F), I have had 2 boyfriends so far, my ex lasted 4 years and a half and I'm currently with my 4 year boyfriend. My ex and I met when I turned 17. We went out officially 2 weeks after meeting for the first time, first sexual relationship after 4 months or so. 2 months after our first time, my ex wanted to try anal. I wasn't fond of the idea and I told him, he said it's fine and started foreplay. At some point he kept on pressing me and say yes to which I would reply no. Yes, no, yes, no, it went on for a good 15 minutes until he lay me on my stomach and proceeded to do his deed. After he started, I started crying because I really didn't like it and it scared me. He kept going, I cried a bit louder so he could hear me and he said "I'm almost there", I continued crying and he decided to stop. I then went to lay against the bed's wall naked and stayed there without moving or taking for 24hs. I was thinking about staying with him or getting my clothes and walk off and never talk to him again. I had some pretty weak mentality back then because if the trauma about my dad and his exes so I really did not want to be alone, it scared me and still scares me the most, to be left alone with myself. When I recall the event, I don't feel what I felt then, it's like it happened to an object, my body but not my mind. It doesn't feel like it happened to me, I think I might be dissociating but I'm not entirely sure. It feels weird.
I’m sorry that happened to you.

other people on here are more knowledgeable than me about terms and definitions of things. other aspects are depersonalisation and derealisation. Which are also types of disassociation.

what you describe in terms of how it feels now when you think about what happened, I get too. it can seem outside of me. Not real. Some events play back in my mind and I see them as if I am watching. One event, it’s like I am not even in it. I have no memory of feeling associated with the events, at times, but then clearly must do because I do get intense traumatic feelings at other times.
and I see that as disassociation, so I would say yes to you being disassociated.

it’s all how our minds hold trauma, to protect us from it as much as our mind and bodies can.

lots of people here talk about the book “the body keeps the score” which people find helpful. I found it really Harvey going. And I always talk about the book “healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors”.