Childhood I think I might have been SA's as a kid

I have cptsd from childhood and adult trauma. The stuff I remember in my childhood is things like emotional abuse, physical abuse and neglect but most of my memories from growing up even into my adolescent are completely lost to me because I struggle with severe dissociation. Something I’ve always wondered but never been sure about is if I was sexually abused as a kid. I just want to say I don’t say this lightly and mean no disrespect to survivors.

Essentially all of the symptoms of sexual trauma I have after being raped as an adult, I had before it happened from childhood. Weird feelings around none sexual intimacy with family members, memory issues, a difficult relationship with body. Shame and guilt. I had severe night time anxiety as a child and issues with bed wetting past the usual age. Attachment issues with older men. As a teenager this would develop into complex feelings towards relationships and sex. I went a while avoiding relationships and sex all together and then went the opposite and became hypersexual. I’ve also always just had this ick factor of feeling like something very very wrong happened. I also have always had these intrusive thoughts of things happening, hands touching me etc which my brain involuntarily pushes out before I can really process it but it could just be intrusive thoughts.

I was in situations where it could have happened. I was neglected and the adults in my life often drunk. I had an uncle who had been known to have done that to other people in the family who I spent time with as a kid. This same uncle once sent the police and social services to our door because he told them I’d been sexually abused by our neighbours but my mother said I’d never been with them alone. There were also times when I was left around much older teenage boys that I didn’t know well as a small kid. Also times when my family were drunk and I was left around adult men I didn’t know. Most were actually nice and were a comfort when I was upset, making me laugh with teddy bears and stopping me from crying, so there’s no actual proper memories of anything happening. Just a whole lot of black holes in my memory. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night feeling ashamed and guilty, trapped in an emotional flashback and this happened way beyond I was raped. I also only remember about 30% of my childhood.

This all could be the result of the trauma I actually remember but I’ve always had this feeling that there’s something else. Again I hope this doesn’t feel invalidating or disrespectful to csa survivors. It’s just something that’s always plagued me and I’ve never felt comfortable talking to anyone about.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I’ve also always just had this ick factor of feeling like something very very wrong happened.
Something very wrong did happen....
emotional abuse, physical abuse and neglect
^^ all this.

And all that can cause...
Weird feelings around none sexual intimacy with family members, memory issues, a difficult relationship with body. Shame and guilt. I had severe night time anxiety as a child and issues with bed wetting past the usual age. Attachment issues with older men.
....all this ^^^^.

It's difficult when there are gaps in memory as you are left with trying to fill in those gaps. Trying to make sense of what happened to you. And sometimes trying to fill the gaps can lead you down rabbit holes with no answers and more heartache.

Do you have a therapist?

Is there any reliable person in your family to try and piece things together?


Sometimes memory comes back and sometimes it doesn't. I have had to make piece with some memory not coming back and learning to accept what it is that I do remember. Maybe there is some work with a therapist for you to work on accepting this uncertainty? But also maybe in working through what you know you have experienced could have caused all the issues you highlight, and that is enough?
 
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