I think Im gonna kill myself. I know exactly how to do it

[JudeWest]

I know exactly what will work. I have a credit card and enough money to buy the supplies. The only thing stopping me is I don't know where my cats will go because I don't know when they'll find me. I've called everyone around me everywhere to try to get help. No one listens no one answers the phone this country is f*cked. No one will ever help you here. I post r/cptsd and because they can't relate to it or make it about themselves they of course ignore me. f*ck all of them. f*ck every human who lives in this country. I hate my country. I don't want to be a human. All they are is selfish. No f*cking support groups for me. No one cares enough and no one ever did. Its about time to accept it. I'm not getting anywhere. I'm too damaged and I'm not getting the resources. To be fixed. I feel like I'm done. Maybe I'll just stop eating. It's never bothered me before. That'd be the cheap way.

 

[anthony]

The fact you're talking about it, reaching out, says you aren't as bad as you think you are, so you really should take comfort in that. Your thoughts are all very normal when depressed. You aren't broken. Nearly every human on the planet has such thoughts, feelings, periods in their life, where they just want to die. Some do, most do not.

You're here... and only you can fix you, so well done on looking for discussion, feedback and support.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Hi @JudeWest , hearing you, I think you'll find plenty of us get it here. There are no magic wand answers that we all crave so badly unfortunately, I wish there was. But, being together and collectively fighting for, well, sometimes just to be at peace in our own brains for a minute, is so much less overwhelming when you have people around you.

I'm sorry things are so shit for you right now, I hope you stick around and see if this might help a little bit.

 

[JudeWest]

The fact you're talking about it, reaching out, says you aren't as bad as you think you are, so you really should take comfort in that. Your thoughts are all very normal when depressed. You aren't broken. Nearly every human on the planet has such thoughts, feelings, periods in their life, where they just want to die. Some do, most do not.

You're here... and only you can fix you, so well done on looking for discussion, feedback and support.

I'm sorry I trained my husband to calm me down from these spirals Its just been going on for weeks and I finally asked him for help I didn't think it would work but it did. I think I just have been having a really bad emotional flashback I've been remembering things from emdr and I've been very angry today. I still hate my country. I couldn't get one doctor to help me today. The just let the phones ring. I'm in serious need of further psychiatric assistance. My experience has always been with trauma people want my help but never want to give help back. That's how it is in online chat groups I've been in reddit discords everything. I was really just writing my suicide note and then I couldn't find the recipe I saved and I broke down and asked my husband for help

 

[arfie]

hello jude. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. you not only reached out to your hubby for support, you reached out here, as well. well done, my healing warrior. keep reaching. healing happens. i hope it happens to you.

i've often thought starvation would be an easy out for me, also, and the ultimate money saver, to boot. i've worked my digestive tract into a mess for the effort and? ? ? i'm still here. it hasn't worked yet. the bad part of that plan is that it gives me too much time to reflect on what i am doing.

My experience has always been with trauma people want my help but never want to give help back. That's how it is in online chat groups

it helps me to maintain a therapy network, both live and on-line. i don't often find the support i'm seeking on the first try. having a broader variety of doors to knock on, both new and old, helps considerable. often times i think the search is the more important part. that is where i focus the issues.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you find your own path. welcome aboard.

 

[anthony]

have been having a really bad emotional flashback I've been remembering things from emdr and I've been very angry today

That will do it. Therapy makes our symptoms go crazy, but its part of the process. We get worse before we get better when we attack the trauma.

My experience has always been with trauma people want my help but never want to give help back. That's how it is in online chat groups I've been in reddit discords everything.

People are all in different places. There are lots of people who just take, but then there are lots of people who give a shit about other people, total strangers, and are willing to help. We're all strangers until we say hello and start talking to that person... then we're no longer just strangers.

There is a reason why this community exists... there is a reason why I never took this to FB, Reddit and such... others have, I didn't. I think trauma discussion has a time and place, it needs a certain specific focus, away from all other noise. Nothing worse than a person watching some nonsense on FB, interacting with nonsense, then jumping onto a trauma situation with cavalier attitude and half arsed approach.

Trauma sucks. It sucks the life from the affected, it can suck the life from those helping someone, it just sucks. Trauma affects us all uniquely, people respond differently. Trauma can motivate, it can degrade, it can still contain happy moments amongst what may be otherwise sad moments. All we can do is work hard at fixing ourselves, because nobody else can fix us... guide, sure, give experience or advice, sure, but nobody can do the work or actually change us, except us, each person uniquely.

 

[abovedown]

There is a reason why this community exists... there is a reason why I never took this to FB, Reddit and such... others have, I didn't. I think trauma discussion has a time and place, it needs a certain specific focus, away from all other noise. Nothing worse than a person watching some nonsense on FB, interacting with nonsense, then jumping onto a trauma situation with cavalier attitude and half arsed approach.

In my experience social media (fb, reddit, discord etc.) can be helpful but they can also turn into very 'inside' groups. Basically like in a high school with cliques, us-vs-them mentality and high drama. I very much prefer this more traditional online forum setting which is open to everyone but also less affected by background noise or trolls (which are common in fb or reddit for example)

 

[Movingforward10]

How are you feeling today @JudeWest ?

The things that are stopping you, your cats (and your husband?) are really important. And shows connection in your life.

Not sure what country you are in, but I understand the difficulties in getting help. Is there a crisis line or emergency centre you can go if you're feeling these intense feelings again?
Have you told your T about this backlash after EDMR?

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @JudeWest welcome to the site. And we'll done for reaching out. You sound like your at your limit. I've been there, like so many others here. Are you currently having emdr or was that a while ago?

Do you have a therapist? I think you should have one. And make use of a crisis line so you you can vent your problems. Talk it out.

What country are you in? Can you make an action plan to try and do things to help you feel better? Things like exercise, reading, art etc. Going out into the community and taking advantage of the local amenities.

I think you need to learn to start being kind to yourself and loving yourself but I know that when your in crisis and the depths of depression that's hard to do.

 

[Hedge]

I hear your words, your pain, frustration, loneliness and deep sense of hopelessness as I too have thought the same, whilst also experiencing similar feelings. But I also know that there are many, many people who do care for others and the pain they are going through. When we find ourselves experiencing trauma within our minds and body, it can feel like we are 100% alone, with no one able to penetrate into our inner being - and this, I believe, is what can cause these intense reactions to arise. You are right when you say that there are organizations who promise to support us, but then they fail us. There are the crisis lines that can be difficult to connect with or which do not get back to us. These can make our already depressed state become heightened and this increases our sense of isolation. That is why writing out your thoughts and what you are feeling connects us here and then we can help each other for we can all, in one form or another, relate to what is being expressed. And this relating can take away that sense of our/your own isolation. And by feeling connected, our/your isolation lessens and the intensity of our /your feelings and thoughts begin to lessen to a more manageable state.

I am glad that you are here and that you have a plan with your husband to support you when you feel the need of that support.

 

[Lucycat]

I know exactly what will work. I have a credit card and enough money to buy the supplies. The only thing stopping me is I don't know where my cats will go because I don't know when they'll find me. I've called everyone around me everywhere to try to get help. No one listens no one answers the phone this country is f*cked. No one will ever help you here. I post r/cptsd and because they can't relate to it or make it about themselves they of course ignore me. f*ck all of them. f*ck every human who lives in this country. I hate my country. I don't want to be a human. All they are is selfish. No f*cking support groups for me. No one cares enough and no one ever did. Its about time to accept it. I'm not getting anywhere. I'm too damaged and I'm not getting the resources. To be fixed. I feel like I'm done. Maybe I'll just stop eating. It's never bothered me before. That'd be the cheap way.

Hi and welcome !
I too have CPTSD that most people don’t comprehend.
I‘m curious which country you are from.
I‘m in the U.K. Scotland to be precise and I know the condition is not hugely recognised here apart from a few experts.

But it does get better!
I don’t know how long you have been diagnosed or how long you have been receiving therapy.
I‘m now fortunate enough to be in a situation where I don’t think of PTSD every day. I used to be on this forum every day, but now I don’t need to. It really has been very helpful and supportive for me, and it’s always there to fall back on.

I too had suicidal thoughts, ideation and acts. I acted on them but was fortunate enough for there to be intervention. I’m glad of that. I have enjoyed my life despite all the hard times and I like to think I have some more years left.

 

[JudeWest]

Hi and welcome !
I too have CPTSD that most people don’t comprehend.
I‘m curious which country you are from.
I‘m in the U.K. Scotland to be precise and I know the condition is not hugely recognised here apart from a few experts.

But it does get better!
I don’t know how long you have been diagnosed or how long you have been receiving therapy.
I‘m now fortunate enough to be in a situation where I don’t think of PTSD every day. I used to be on this forum every day, but now I don’t need to. It really has been very helpful and supportive for me, and it’s always there to fall back on.

I too had suicidal thoughts, ideation and acts. I acted on them but was fortunate enough for there to be intervention. I’m glad of that. I have enjoyed my life despite all the hard times and I like to think I have some more years left.

I'm from the United States. Can't stand it here. Always waiting to be attacked. I went to France to see my husband. It was so much different. Didn't have to be so afraid. But this place, this place is a curse