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Relationship I triggered my girlfriends PTSD and she dumped me.

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t96dream

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So I need help. Me (M 23) and my ex girlfriend (F 23) broke up about 3 weeks ago and we were in a relationship for a year. I emotionally hurt her back in October by accusing her of trying to cheat on me and betraying me. I was paranoid and out of line and I’ve regretted my behavior since it happened. My now ex girlfriend has mental health issues from her childhood and so she was struggling to forgive me because I brought up bad memories from her past. Her dad was verbally and emotionally abusive and told her to kill herself growing up to the point that she contemplated it. I’m not emotionally abusive and she knows that I’m nothing like her father but she said I brought up bad memories. Since the fight I’ve committed 100% to changing myself to be a more compassionate and sensitive boyfriend. So me and her made up after that fight and for 3 months she said she tried really hard to love me again but found it difficult to get passed that day. When she broke up with me three weeks ago, She said she doesn’t feel anything for me right now despite her efforts. She said she completely shutdown towards me proceeding our fight. She said I’ve been doing everything right lately but she cant get passed that day. About a month ago we went on two dates however and had a lot of fun...we laughed, smiled, hugged, and kissed. For Christmas we both got each other really thoughtful gifts. (I got her a promise ring because things were looking like they were getting back to normal and I wanted to show her I loved her and was committed to her and she got me a dvd set of my favorite tv show, shoes I’ve been trying to find, and a candle). It seems like she still cares about me but she is just struggling internally to bring her walls back down and trust me again. I’m giving her her space so that she can heal and figure out what she needs to figure out. I’ve always been her biggest supporter and shoulder when she was sad or upset. She invited her father to her graduation ceremony for college and he said he couldn’t come because one of his kids with her step mom had a soccer game so I volunteered to show up in his place and support her. I miss her and feel like before the fight we complimented each other’s lives and personalities so well. I don’t get how our first big argument could cause her to shut me out and forget all of our good memories. I guess that’s what I’m looking to understand by making this post. I want her back so bad and I want to apologize again and make things right but I also know she needs space. It’s been a week since we spoke, and when we spoke she talked to me about her emotions and how she feels regarding other topics like work and her day-to-day, but I didn’t bring up the relationship or breakup. Can I get some advice?
 
She broke up with you.

For any reason, that is her right.

She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, accept it and move on.

It doesn't mean all sorts of relationships are over. But the romantic one is. At least right now.
 
So I need help. Me (M 23) and my ex girlfriend (F 23) broke up about 3 weeks ago and we were in a relationship for a year. I emotionally hurt her back in October by accusing her of trying to cheat on me and betraying me. I was paranoid and out of line and I’ve regretted my behavior since it happened. My now ex girlfriend has mental health issues from her childhood and so she was struggling to forgive me because I brought up bad memories from her past. Her dad was verbally and emotionally abusive and told her to kill herself growing up to the point that she contemplated it. I’m not emotionally abusive and she knows that I’m nothing like her father but she said I brought up bad memories. Since the fight I’ve committed 100% to changing myself to be a more compassionate and sensitive boyfriend. So me and her made up after that fight and for 3 months she said she tried really hard to love me again but found it difficult to get passed that day. When she broke up with me three weeks ago, She said she doesn’t feel anything for me right now despite her efforts. She said she completely shutdown towards me proceeding our fight. She said I’ve been doing everything right lately but she cant get passed that day. About a month ago we went on two dates however and had a lot of fun...we laughed, smiled, hugged, and kissed. For Christmas we both got each other really thoughtful gifts. (I got her a promise ring because things were looking like they were getting back to normal and I wanted to show her I loved her and was committed to her and she got me a dvd set of my favorite tv show, shoes I’ve been trying to find, and a candle). It seems like she still cares about me but she is just struggling internally to bring her walls back down and trust me again. I’m giving her her space so that she can heal and figure out what she needs to figure out. I’ve always been her biggest supporter and shoulder when she was sad or upset. She invited her father to her graduation ceremony for college and he said he couldn’t come because one of his kids with her step mom had a soccer game so I volunteered to show up in his place and support her. I miss her and feel like before the fight we complimented each other’s lives and personalities so well. I don’t get how our first big argument could cause her to shut me out and forget all of our good memories. I guess that’s what I’m looking to understand by making this post. I want her back so bad and I want to apologize again and make things right but I also know she needs space. It’s been a week since we spoke, and when we spoke she talked to me about her emotions and how she feels regarding other topics like work and her day-to-day, but I didn’t bring up the relationship or breakup. Can I get some advice?
Dating someone with PTSD can be like standing in front of a freight train! You have to be extremely patient! Give her space. When she contacts you again don’t talk about relationship...let her bring it up. Don’t push her....let her take the initiative! Do some soul searching...is this what you want? If yes, then you are in for a bumpy ride and maybe it won’t get easier. That sounds harsh, but PTSD is a bitch. I know it hurts....trust me! I wish you the best.
 
I want her back so bad and I want to apologize again and make things right but I also know she needs space. It’s been a week since we spoke, and when we spoke she talked to me about her emotions and how she feels regarding other topics like work and her day-to-day, but I didn’t bring up the relationship or breakup.

Breakups are never easy, and to be honest it is unlikely the "cause" of your breakup was one incident. She has told you she has been clear she is not romantically interested anymore. You have to accept that. With her childhood...speaking from my experience the worst is another person/ex boyfriend trying to push "his will" on her. If you push her back into a relationship I can assure you she will resent you and it will end yet again.

Best thing you can do is back off. By doing so you show her respect for her decision. Move on yourself and let it go. If she ever reaches back out to you so be it but it needs to come from her. Actually it is really important, for her own personal growth. Fact is something in her is saying you are not a good fit, you may not be and learn from your own part in it but it may have happened anyway.

Please don't take this personally but as a woman...there is nothing worse than a guy you tell no and they don't listen. It happens all of the time to women. Besides, you should be with someone who is really into you too! She isn't.

Take care,

Whirlwind
 
Breakups are never easy, and to be honest it is unlikely the "cause" of your breakup was one incident. She has told you she has been clear she is not romantically interested anymore. You have to accept that. With her childhood...speaking from my experience the worst is another person/ex boyfriend trying to push "his will" on her. If you push her back into a relationship I can assure you she will resent you and it will end yet again.

Best thing you can do is back off. By doing so you show her respect for her decision. Move on yourself and let it go. If she ever reaches back out to you so be it but it needs to come from her. Actually it is really important, for her own personal growth. Fact is something in her is saying you are not a good fit, you may not be and learn from your own part in it but it may have happened anyway.

Please don't take this personally but as a woman...there is nothing worse than a guy you tell no and they don't listen. It happens all of the time to women. Besides, you should be with someone who is really into you too! She isn't.

Take care,

Whirlwind
I have been a supportive boyfriend that she can rely and count on since day one. She thought she didn’t deserve me multiple times throughout the relationship and said she was so happy to have found me. I know she loves me, I’ve always accepted her for her and no matter what issues or info from her past that she shared with me I would never abandon her.

She has an avoidant attachment style and runs away from good things (she told me this) because of her past and feeling undeserving. I’m not trying to force her into anything, I just want her to see what’s happening. She’s letting her past destroy us. Her dad abandoned her but is still wrecking havoc on her life through the past trauma.

Everyone is saying give up on her because she has so much baggage but I see her for more than her mental illness and traumas. She is diagnosed with anxiety and depression with OCD tendencies. All of her exes cheated on her or were violent towards her but me. I see someone that’s strong and wants to be loved, appreciated and accepted but doesn't know how to deal with it when she finally is.

She said she has been numb emotionally for a few months, so it’s not that she lost her feelings, it’s that she can’t connect with them. I heard that’s a common symptom of depression and ptsd. I can’t give up on her, but I am giving her space.
 
The most helpful thing you can do for her and yourself is to give her that space and time to reflect on what it is she wants. If she loves you like you say she does, once the anger, pain, &hurt subsides from the initial argument, she will contact you. My boyfriend is a usaf combat vet who suffers from PTSD. We broke up, I tried months to get us back together. He stayed in contact throughout the entire time and for a while I felt as tho he was stringing me along because he was so unsure of how we could fix our problems. But after I chose to spend the time apart to work on myself, I found my own happiness, dived into my work.. low and behold he came back and wanted to work things out. Things aren’t perfect for us. He stays in contact with me but at times will shut me out and need some time alone. All I can do is be patient with him and remember that It’s not me.
I wish you the best and hope this helps alittle. If only I could’ve found this site sooner, I would’ve saved myself a lot of tears.
 
I have been a supportive boyfriend that she can rely and count on since day one. She thought she didn’t deserve me multiple times throughout the relationship and said she was so happy to have found me. I know she loves me, I’ve always accepted her for her and no matter what issues or info from her past that she shared with me I would never abandon her.

She has an avoidant attachment style and runs away from good things (she told me this) because of her past and feeling undeserving. I’m not trying to force her into anything, I just want her to see what’s happening. She’s letting her past destroy us. Her dad abandoned her but is still wrecking havoc on her life through the past trauma.

Everyone is saying give up on her because she has so much baggage but I see her for more than her mental illness and traumas. She is diagnosed with anxiety and depression with OCD tendencies. All of her exes cheated on her or were violent towards her but me. I see someone that’s strong and wants to be loved, appreciated and accepted but doesn't know how to deal with it when she finally is.

She said she has been numb emotionally for a few months, so it’s not that she lost her feelings, it’s that she can’t connect with them. I heard that’s a common symptom of depression and ptsd. I can’t give up on her, but I am giving her space.

I don’t think people are saying ‘give up on her’

I think people are saying respect her agency.

Agency, autonomy AND consequences- positive or negative, are often taken from or distorted in abuse victims and in people in whom cPTSD becomes an issue.

Even with good intent you are ignoring her right to decide what she wants and this her agency. Letting her have that is not ‘giving up on her’ it’s very much the opposite.

You can be the model of a boyfriend and she can think it’s not ideal for her to be in a relationship. She has that right. In arguing that you are arguing against her agency.

‘You just want her to see what’s happening’. You might be right- but telling someone they are thinking wrong is very precarious territory.

I think you sound like a caring and loving person : but I do think that your girlfriend could be making a good decision for her agency and autonomy. Both can be true.
 
I don’t think people are saying ‘give up on her’

I think people are saying respect her agency.

Agency, autonomy AND consequences- positive or negative, are often taken from or distorted in abuse victims and in people in whom cPTSD becomes an issue.

Even with good intent you are ignoring her right to decide what she wants and this her agency. Letting her have that is not ‘giving up on her’ it’s very much the opposite.

You can be the model of a boyfriend and she can think it’s not ideal for her to be in a relationship. She has that right. In arguing that you are arguing against her agency.

‘You just want her to see what’s happening’. You might be right- but telling someone they are thinking wrong is very precarious territory.

I think you sound like a caring and loving person : but I do think that your girlfriend could be making a good decision for her agency and autonomy. Both can be true.
You’re right, thank you for your advice.

The most helpful thing you can do for her and yourself is to give her that space and time to reflect on what it is she wants. If she loves you like you say she does, once the anger, pain, &hurt subsides from the initial argument, she will contact you. My boyfriend is a usaf combat vet who suffers from PTSD. We broke up, I tried months to get us back together. He stayed in contact throughout the entire time and for a while I felt as tho he was stringing me along because he was so unsure of how we could fix our problems. But after I chose to spend the time apart to work on myself, I found my own happiness, dived into my work.. low and behold he came back and wanted to work things out. Things aren’t perfect for us. He stays in contact with me but at times will shut me out and need some time alone. All I can do is be patient with him and remember that It’s not me.
I wish you the best and hope this helps alittle. If only I could’ve found this site sooner, I would’ve saved myself a lot of tears.
Thank you for the advice, I’ll continue to give her space. It’s hard when you love them so much and just want to support them and be there for them. But it’s their right.
 
Don’t sacrifice your moving on for her sake. You deserve to be able to find someone who can really be there for you and adores you as much as you adore them. Dating is about finding a good fit. Love alone isn’t always enough.

I have had two exes who wouldn’t give up on me and it was frankly, uh, unattractive to me. It doesn’t feel good when someone bends over backwards to hang on when I’ve let go. I know it’s meant to be helpful, but on the other side, for me, it’s not actually that helpful as someone else can mean it to be. Just one person’s opinion as a sufferer.
 
Don’t sacrifice your moving on for her sake. You deserve to be able to find someone who can really be there for you and adores you as much as you adore them. Dating is about finding a good fit. Love alone isn’t always enough.

I have had two exes who wouldn’t give up on me and it was frankly, uh, unattractive to me. It doesn’t feel good when someone bends over backwards to hang on when I’ve let go. I know it’s meant to be helpful, but on the other side, for me, it’s not actually that helpful as someone else can mean it to be. Just one person’s opinion as a sufferer.

What would you advise me to do if I wanted her back. I haven’t been smothering her and haven’t told her anything I’ve said in this chat since we broke up. I never said I wanted to save her or anything like that that’s just how I feel. Your outlook seems a lot like my ex’s though, so do you feel it’s possible to recover and bring back love after trauma resurfaces and feelings go numb?
 
What would you advise me to do if I wanted her back.

Respect her and her decision to not be in a relationship with you.

do you feel it’s possible to recover and bring back love after trauma resurfaces and feelings go numb?

I know you weren't asking me but hopefully it's ok if I answer this as I have a unique experience and perspective.

Yes, it is possible to get feelings back after numbness. It's also possible not to. It's possible she may find that her true feelings is not feelings for you. She may find, like myself, that she can't "relstionship" with anyone.

Basically, anything is possible and it is not fair for either one of you to hold on to one of so many possibilities after she told you that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. You are sacrificing your own happiness by holding onto her and not allowing yourself to move on.

If you both move on and find yourselves together again, cool. But that is just one of so many possibilties. It's not healthy to just hold on and hope for that one of many possibilties.
 
I emotionally hurt her back in October by accusing her of trying to cheat on me and betraying me.

This ^^ shows her, you don’t trust her. For some people, that would be an attack on their integrity.
Even if it was your issue, you made it about her.

I don’t get how our first big argument could cause her to shut me out and forget all of our good memories.

Your first big argument was an attack on who she is as a person. If she is someone who lives strongly by her morals, this is a big blow. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think your a bad guy. I think you made a mistake. You said you have your own issues, but you have to acknowledge that you projected them on your gf. I’m not totally sure if this has anything to do with mental health and more about setting a boundary.
I understand you love her and want to support her. A lot of us supporters, believe giving space is showing our support and love to our partners.
 
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