I want a baby so badly

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Have wanted a baby since I was a baby but I never found the right guy.

my birthday is coming up & it’s one of those where my eggs start dying.

Covid has made me a little loony in that I started meeting a guy from online & sleeping with him right away.

I was on the pill but missed a month & haven’t gotten it since so I thought FOR SURE I was pregnant.

took test this morning and it’s negative.

now I want to die. More I’m leaving out but no energy to write it. Sorry
There are so many problems with what you've described happening.

That's not the way to 'get a baby' imo.

For sure if you want to have a child without a partner then go right ahead.

But it is and definitely should be a choice and not an accidental happening.

Did you make a choice or just go random?

How on earth can you forget about taking contraceptives whilst being sexually active & least of all, not having protected sex. Do you want a disease? Did you discuss this with the stranger you were having sex with? Did he agree to father a child?

Covid has made us all a bit crazy - I agree but I'm not sure a pandemic can be blamed for your desire to get pregnant by a stranger who btw I guess, wasn't aware that you 'stopped taking contraception.

Be prepared for the life-long commitment that follows on from the baby part. It's tough and a lot of the times a endless grind on your psyche. Are you ready for that or did your birthday trip you into panic?

I'm all for spontaneity but not this. Decisions like this, on the spur of the moment, or whilst you're having a lapse into depression don't end well.

And btw - your eggs started dying from the day you were born - so don't panic.


Wow, that’s some tough talk there. I did not forget my pills. I had mistakenly not gotten my renewal for the next month so now I have to wait till my next period.

I didn’t go thinking I’d have sex! But things changed & it happened.

he never asked me if I was on any contraceptives. He may have assumed, I don’t know but I never tell him so he’s got nothing to worry about.

I take full responsibility for my actions. this was a stupid decision to make... agreed.

HOWEVER, I have wanted a baby FOREVER and have looked very seriously into diff options & what my plans would be after having the baby.

I know how draining a child can be. Don’t worry, I’m freaking out about it either way. Whoops, to clarify last sentence, spoke to nurse who said I may still possibly be pregnant. So everything u just told me; I’m beating myself up about all by myself.

really don’t need someone else telling me again.
I had mistakenly not gotten my renewal for the next month so now I have to wait till my next period.

^Well look, I'm female & for the biggest part of my life been fertile. If you don't plan to have a baby then you do some serious thinking about contraception before you have sex. You don't just have sex and wait n see... And further, you know this! What about the disease bit - both of you could have a disease now.

But things changed & it happened.

No consensual sex is within your skill set.
he never asked me if I was on any contraceptives. He may have assumed

^More fool him. And if he had asked would you have told him the truth? How would you have told him he has nothing to worry about?
I don’t know but I never tell him so he’s got nothing to worry about.

^This just isn't so. You make a baby then half the genes belong to his side. You have no idea what genetic puzzle you're creating. He has a right to make a decision about parenting a child.

You think this is me being tough - lol??

I completely disagree with your rather selfish and distorted idea about bringing a child into this world. Think about it this way... if this child has any medical, genetic or other problems inherited from 'his' side - wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't the child want to know. The father and the child have rights - you intentions obliterate them.

I get that you want a baby - I know what you mean and I'm not suggesting you should not have a child. But.. you need to review the..... 'I had a birthday and got down bc my eggs are dying'...so I got myself impregnated by a complete stranger..... just.... isn't okay'.. Sure, I know plenty of women have done it throughout history - and that still doesn't make it okay.


Hang on.
Where is his responsibility in contraception? If he doesn't want to father a child, he should put a condom on. If the OP tells him she is pregnant, it can't really come as a surprise as he did not take ANY responsibility for his part in this.
Let's not blame women and make women the sole people to take responsibility.


@Smile , it's not "loony" to have sex with someone. But is this desire to have a child really what is driving you to have unsafe sex? Or is something else going on? (When I had unsafe sex with strangers, for me it was that I didn't think I was worth having safe sex, because who cares what happened to me, I invited danger in those ways. It was dsyfunctional and harmful behaviour on my part).

@blackemerald1 has points. Do you really want to create a whole new human, who has rights and desires and will have feelings about who they are and where they come from, by someone who is a stranger? Is that what you want for your child?

There are many ways to conceive. There are more healthier ones for you.

Are you in therapy? Is this something to talk to your T about?


@blackemerald1 , trauma makes us do things that are sometimes unwise/unhealthy/harmful to ourselves. We only have the OP's words, but we know this is a PTSD forum. Sometimes our behaviours have many layers and motivation for behaviour may not always be immediately apparent? Idk. I think you and I are essentially saying similar things, but from different perspectives and in different ways?

I feel very strongly, and this is where I am probably bringing my trauma and my experiences in, that men need to take responsibility. They should not assume a female is on the pill and decide that it is the females responsibility to take that form of contraception. They need to protect themselves, and their partners, by using condoms. As you point out, the pill does not protect from desease.


As the child of a mother who’s decided to have a baby unilaterally, I find this quite triggering. Personally, it doesn’t make sense to me to bring a person of my genes to fulfill the pit of my lack of affection. I remember the weird clinging of my mom only too well. Nowadays however, after 10 years of therapy, she actually became quite nurturing and I appreciate my relationship with her now. Still not too close. Still an ocean between me and her. But I can see how wonderful therapy can be. It does work.

However I also do struggle with condoms and stuff. More in a vibe of fearing to kill the mood… It’s been very consistent and problematic, hopefully I haven’t gotten anything bad so far. It’s certainly one of the areas in life I feel the most silly, especially that I really don’t want any child. For me it’s more a bizarre mix of hypocondria with dissociation and self-harm or abdicating consent. I can’t explain it in another way, now that I have the time I should analyze the chain of behaviors and the beliefs behind this.

At times I envisioned having children with D., but both of us understood that it was our own sense of lost childhood that prompted that, as well as nostalgia for the countries we were from, the desire to pass a culture and different visions that otherwise may simply die. But knowing our instability and the tendency to furiously scream at each other and slam doors if not worse, we really know it’s the kind of idea that is a very bad idea. Obviously they would be gorgeous and extremely intelligent (obviously), and they’d know 5 languages of 3 different groups right ahead, but the odds are they’d be as f*cked as us if not worse. The odds are also that I’d have to keep them because at the end of the day I’m the most stable. And I would get super resentful. And small children scare me to death. So, big no no.

One day when I’ll be old enough for not feeling destabilized by anything, I might foster kids. This I find it reasonable and useful?


This is the Depression & Suicidality sub-forum - I think the relevant part of the OP's post is probably:
now I want to die.
...but, given the title and content, I understand why people would be responding to the OP's wanting a baby.

Given that - I'm not sure whether to move the thread or get it back on topic, so closing it is probably the best option.

OP, if you want to make a new thread to work through your pregnancy thoughts, please do so. (As can anyone else, of course).
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