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I Want Pieces Of Myself Back Without Feeling Angry, Afraid and Ashamed!

Discussion in 'General' started by goingonhope, Feb 16, 2007.

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  1. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    I have a few obstacles in my way preventing me from continuing to educate myself. For instance, today I simult. have a clear mind and have found great articles to read (that I did not even know existed here) in the World PTSD News section. I'm working on reading my 5th one. Well, now here's what's coming up for me.

    Memories and familiarity with both

    a) that part of me that was always so eager to learn; always self-educ. on subjects such as psych., abn. psych., sociol., biol., the brain, medic., trauma rel., self-help, on and on and on...

    b)......My interests that I've abandoned sometime ago, following some pers. trauma, constant shaming, coercion and brainwashing ........but now I want it back, but I find myself feeling awfully angry.

    For me to continue learning provokes anger and resentment within me and towards myself and others that have been a part of my life. I feel threatened by this kind of anger and fear that I might say screw everyone in AA and end up drunk, effectively harming myself. Behind this anger is a great deal of hurt, frustr., humil., lack of control, self-guilt and failure.

    Now my memories are these: Every single memb. of my orig. family responded to me with anger and hatred, ie. disgust, frustration, and rejection, as the result of me being knowledgeable, having and using my vocab. and speaking coherently and intelligibly. They always, always mocked me. It hurt so terribly.

    Following living at home and for yrs., I found myself co-existing with and living among a sordid group of people, whether it be in AA or transitional housing as the direct result of my need to remove myself from family and the homelessness, which followed.

    Living at home was not an option, unless I was to continue envisioning them digging me a grave and eagerly tossing me in it; also, unless I was willing to allow myself to be threatened, beaten and broken by them. Upon moving out at age 21 yrs. I couldn't get the thought from my mind that I was suppose to have fit the role of some sort of 'sacrificial lamb'. A bit strange of a thought, I know.

    Anyhow, without now re-living the painful ways in which family rejected me for having some intellig., and being thoughtful and reflective, I'll wrap this up. I experienced very similiar sh't and oppression (even against just being a youthful and hopeful) within rooms that misrepresented AA. And there I fell victim to absolute BS that I struggled to make right and failed and lost. The very things that I was saying, were thought and said from some of the same mouths yrs. later into their recovery, but only after they had made mine and many a life next to impossible to live.

    In some instances people actually ended up near dead and dead, having committed suicide. And yes, I do still hold that domineering, abusive crowd responsible for being behind the scences and spreading much loss and destruction. Unless of course you fit in that norm of not caring for your fellow man, or the hope of living; then you might be helped some.

    I don't hold AA responsible, bc the fellowship of AA is suppose to reflect the program of AA and all too often it doesn't. Anything that can be used, can also be abused and gee' how people are sometimes all too willing to screw up a good thing for the many, cost what it may.

    One last point, again I was rejected for what I was and the way I thought and felt, bc I didn't ever fit the norm and was envied for having what was perceived as strength behind me, which was really just youth and a individ. brain.

    Now how, am I suppose to get passed my fears and these obstacles. I don't know that I can afford to feel the anger and resentment that comes from confronting this long-time, isol. and helpless, experience of BS, or whether or not I should. Perhaps I should just let it go and move on, but I suspect I've lost pieces of me along the way.

    Apoligize for discussing so much and having covered so many areas, throughout the forum, I'm just having such a difficult time preventing things from triggering me, and rising above my surface. Everything feels like a trigger, to something trauma related, which lay within me.
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  3. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    I Want pieces of Myself Back without feeling so Angry, Afraid & Ashamed.

    .......hey I made a mistake, one that I hope someone will and is able correct for me.

    I titled this thread, I want pieces..............with feeling angry, afraid and ashamed........It's suppose to be without feeling angry, afraid........

    Guess I learned something, just now. Mistakes are made by everyone, all the time. But, why do we sometimes have to make such life-changing one's sometimes?-(no longer referring to title of thread), rather referring to life.

    I don't know perhaps it could simply read: I want pieces of myself back! Gee' do I sometimes complicate much.
  4. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    We Live and We Learn

    I now know what triggered me the memory, thoughts, and emotions that went into creating this thread. It was me reading and listening to this [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/threads/3162-Can-Thoughts-and-Action-Change-Our-Brains[/DLMURL]

    :eek: Also, another one I read, mentioned Viktor Frankl and his book :thumbs-up “Man’s Search for Meaning”. I love that book. I’ve read, re-read, own and cherish it, for crying ‘out’ loud it’s better than any jewel to me.

    I can’t believe as to think that I got so lost, distracted, :crazy: confused and brainwashed as to long-since, abandon my favorite pastime; that of reading some dynamite books, with complete understanding and inspiration. I recommend this book to anyone and everyone.

    Made sound unlikely, but I learned to type at speeds of 105 wpm in high school, having seen the keyboard with little experience and having brought that keyboard home in my mind and typing along, practicing and re-practicing while I wrote all about how I thought and felt, and some stories I wrote. Always use to wish that afterwards, though I had it all in print and that it wasn’t lost to memory.

    Also I remember having almost a photographic memory, and for me that’s what makes my PTSD so damn’ traumatic for me at times, bc so much of my potential was lost, rejected, :cussing: and enslaved, before I even got started. Some things piss me off to know end these days.

    Pleasantly, spoke with my :kiss: husb. over the phone just recently and was telling him how careful I’m going to have to be reading here on the forum. Another words, making sure before I even sit down and browse that I’ve first accomplished what I need to here and that I have some time and my reading and learning won’t drastically interfere with some big responsib. that I’ve got going on here at home. I’m a strange one, as almost anything can trigger me, and I feel like a jerk sometimes being this way. Does, anyone else get triggered, so easily?

    I mean, I can only do so much and yet I continue to expect so much more from myself.

    Even the info. On EMDR, has me now pretty sure and aware that I underwent this therapy back in 1994, just before I was hospitalized for some INTENSE suicidal and homicidal thoughts.

    It's times like these I wish it was earlier in my life, perhaps, single, without any kids and the great respons. of a home. Why couldn't I have figured out along time ago, and not lost site, that my primary concern that is killing me is PTSD along time ago? Why couldn't hope and such an abundance of information with some resources have existed then?

    In reality, I'd do it all over again, just the way it was, if it meant never having met my husb. and my children. It's just that so much in life comes from such hard, exhausting efforts, overcoming obstacles (sometimes enorm. obstacles) and ongoing hard work and persistence.
  5. beatle_bailey

    beatle_bailey Active Member

    Hey friend

    Can we complicate a paper bag or what ,,, not making lite of the problem at all ,, But I know I can complicate almost any patr of my life if I don't try to keep out of my own head some days ,,,
    I doo understand what you mean tho ,, hang on ,, it will change ,, :wink:
    :smile: Beatle
  6. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Hope, the idea though is to trigger you, is to provoke all the hidden issues and raise them to the surface to be dealt with. Lets face it, ignoring our issues doesn't help us, and if you read something here and an issue arises as a result, then it means you must deal with that issue, then keep reading more and more. Repeat the process. Remember I said it takes years to really fully complete this process, because so many smaller things come to the surface over that time. Sure, we can get the big stuff out of the way, but then we find smaller pieces of the larger issues, or newer issues, and that is the idea, the intent, and the purpose in order to heal.

    Your doing exactly what you should be doing, educating yourself as much as possible, fighting through the provoking issues that arise, deal with them, and continue educating yourself. I have so much information in my head compared to what is here... what I write here is little in comparison really. Self educate and don't be scared of what occurs as a result, though more embrace what is risen to the surface, then hit it head on.

    How do you think you are where you are? Because you came to terms with having to face everything, regardless the pain it causes, face it and the pain goes away. Don't face it, the pain comes back with vengence. Your doing the right things....
  7. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    Yes! Regardless the pain it causes, face it and the pain goes away!

    Anthony, I understand that the idea is to allow myself to get triggered and then deal...and grow as the result. I believe in myself enough to know that I can face head-on, and with some support, deal with some of my issues simultaneously, .....even the most painful ones. What I don't understand is the flooding of too, too, too much and all at once. That I can't cope with along with life circumstances. I mean, OMG, I'm riddled with trauma related issues, and it's going to be O.K. But, I just must and am being realistic with myself, bc when I accept an invitation to work, do something and do it well, I tend to go all out, as I value excellence. And, this value and high expectation I place upon myself spells self-defeat. It's always worked that way, and so hopefully I'll too be one of those people that heals from much trauma, but persistently and at a snails pace.

    I mean, OMG, it only takes being faced with 1 or 2 traumas to create so many symptoms that I feel, and probably am compl. useless, now if I'm not particul. careful, employing much of what I've learned in my life and espec. in prior therapy then I'll be f'ckd. Which in itself I don't mind a whole heck of a lot, as I've been there and done that, ie. dragged along through hell. But, I'm now responsible for 2 little ones and the relationship with my husb. and family. They don't need to be dragged through a depressive hell, I mean witnessing this alone would trigger and destroy me............it would just be a validation and reminder of many childhood horrid days and concepts about this world that no longer cut it.

    Ramblin' now........

    Recently I faced head on a piece of the SA abuse, from when I was about 4/5yrs. old and with it I faced reclaiming my power in regards to the family memb. who circled around, participated and seeming enjoyed watching my sister beat me almost to death.
    And, though I would only struggle to put it into words now, what I witnessed within myself during this therapuetic confront. with my issues was amazing and I feel proud of myself.

    And, so to be reminded that I'm doing the right things is much appreciated Anthony, bc for a long time, I sought to do the right things, please everyone and failed miserably.

    Sometimes, I get hit with re-assuring thoughts, from within, that allow me to see that every experience and everything I've ever learned can now be connected and put to use into a plan of action that can actually help carry me through my healing process. Another words, that no matter what and with much vulnerability, :moon: ..........very high's & very low's, and a good attitude, that I can heal, embrace life and it's all worth it, even as late as 40yrs.
  8. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

    Hello Goingonhope,
    I like your style! Hang in there! I wish I could see all those positive traits in myself without bashing myself in the head with self debasing automatic negative thoughts! I think its great that you are reading stuff and learning stuff. I have a degree in psych. I don't know how I would have held on to myself if I hadn't got "ed-U-ma-cated! Keep reading and cherish your intellect! People can take alot of things from a person, intellect is not one of them! Take gentle care of yourself and "lordy lordy enjoy fourty!" I'll be fourty in August. I can't wait. I might actually be all grown up by then! lol!
    LUV & CARE
  9. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    I've got pieces of myself back, and I'm thrilled about this. Anthony, I've been researching and self-educating, as much as possible, for weeks now, since my children have been on summer vacation. I'm doing so in my free-time, and yes even with twins I do find some free-time sometimes.

    I've posted very little personally, but I'm far from slacking and I'm damn' well proud of myself for all the efforts and work I've put into, and continue to put into, further educating myself surrounding so much about PTSD.

    Though I have some difficulties, disciplining my eyes to focus on the material, when I concentrate hard I can, and as a result I've been learning much and finding numerous in depth answers to questions I've held for far too long. It's resulting in a new understanding of so much and I feel like it's all making me a stronger, more confident and a self-esteemed person. Now I don't make any claim to have personal strength, self-confidence and self-esteem all the time, far from it. But from where I was, I just know that I'm heading in the right direction.

    Thank you, Anthony for all your encouragement for us to work, self-educate, continue, push- forward and on, help ourselves, and take charge of our PTSD.

    Sh't, I've even got myself a therapist that I think might be able to help me some. Gee', to think I thought it would be a cold day in hell before I ever again trusted the competency of a mental health therapist.

    I even have a greater trust in myself again, and a deepening ability to think for myself once again.

    Searching and again, slowly finding hope, despite present adversities and realities.

    Again, thank you!

  10. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    Tonight was most interesting!!! Sat among a handful of people from 20yrs. ago that are living reminders of so, so, so much (much of which was my witness to and experience of blatant disregard to oneself and humanity) and tonight I remained feeling good, strong and so importantly present.

    There was so much tonight that through my observation of the group and willingness/ability to just revisit and listen, that I was without fear and terror of.

    Whether I live or die is no longer dependent upon both feeling forced to believe delusions, lies, prejudices or trickery and pretending and convincing myself that I must and do believe such.

    Anyhow a huge personal accomplishment and greater understanding of a handful of things tonight.
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