I want to be boring


Its almost 3 am. I fell asleep around 10 pm which really never happens but I haven’t been able to sleep much so I guess I was really tired. At 2 am i woke up hyperventilating probably from a nightmare straight to a panic attack. Now I’m crying. I wish it was all over. I’ve fought over half my life so why can’t I finally rest. I want to know what it’s like to be normal. My friends are able to sleep, eat, not have panic attacks every day and just live their life even if they think it’s boring that is all i want. I want to be boring. You’d think that after half my life I’m getting better but I feel like it’s getting worse. It’s harder to hide but it’s also becoming normalised. Maybe normalised isn’t the right word, pretty much everyone has a clear vision around mental health but some have build an aesthetic around it while im here feeling like I’m trapped in an endless loop. I’m tired of therapists saying the same thing to me over and over again and then deciding they can’t help me because my case is too big. I’m so so tired…