Sexual Assault I want to get over it all

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
Hey all, I've had some trauma come up, the last two days I've been incredibly triggered, and I've been examining my behaviors in a detached way (instead of reacting, I'm taking time and responding, and I'm SO proud of me!!) and some more stuff has come up and I feel like I have a clearer picture. I so want to be over my sexual assault/rape traumas. I've noticed some trends in my behavior, and I wanted to discuss them and see if anyone acted similarly, or if anyone has hints, or just support. I "go" (virtually) to therapy this Thursday and already told her what's bothering me and what I want to work on.

My first "sexual assault" was COCSA at 5 years old. My second was COCSA at 8 years old. Both were girls my age. I grew up with a lot of anxiety and depression, gender dysphoria, chronic pain (which started when I was 8, which is weird when I think about it lol). I didn't really date again until I was 17 (although I had started going out to clubs and parties at 16, although I didn't do much I'd occasionally kiss people or such, which is when I started thinking I was bisexual or pansexual bc gender didn't matter much to how I felt about these interactions), and at 18 I started going out to raves and hooking up with people at said raves lol. At 18 (still in high school) I started dating a guy in his early 20s, he was abusive in every way, yada yada, I was assaulted by a female friend at our "senior week" and he did nothing to help, everything got worse and found out he was cheating and broke up, yada yada. I had a one night stand which was terrible, I went clubbing again, throughout my late teens and twenties was assaulted at clubs.

Had another relationship in 2016-2017, I wanted it to be just sex but he wanted a relationship, but looking back I don't think I was sober but for like 3 of my sexual encounters throughout my life and I dissociated the whole time, being inebriated was the only way for me to be present and feel like it was okay. Broke up with him bc I realized I don't really have an emotional/romantic connection to men (with some exceptions), started dating people of other genders but didn't really get into a relationship, had a weird fling with a guy that lasted like a month, and in 2018 I re-met the girl I was in love with in high school and we went on a few dates but I ruined it bc my PTSD/BPD was so bad and she would randomly disappear.

Basically I've gone on stand alone dates here and there since then, and it just wouldn't work out or I wouldn't pursue it. Even if I really liked the people, I would push them away, or I would give up. I never felt ready and I sorta liked being single. I thought I had a crush on a friend, and told her, but honestly every time she touched me I flinched, and we weren't compatible anyways. The last year or so, maybe since 2019ish, I've been planning a move to another state with my parents. The last three crushes I've had were people who lived anywhere from a thousand to three thousand miles from me.

It was so so much easier to project these crush and romantic fantasies on these people (who are my friends, really. One I did meet and we had no chemistry, the other I'm just WAITING but I'm also terrified to meet them) because they lived far away and there was no threat of physical contact. I could fantasize about being in a relationship and ticking off a life fulfillment box without actually engaging in any way that would facilitate us actually dating or being near each other, or working through my trauma or even talking about it. I could just flirt like friends, and then I would be okay because I could just turn off my phone and not have to see them in person.

Honestly I'm not even sure if I want to change this behavior. I thought a bit yesterday about just finding people to work on virtual "sexting" stuff with that are removed from my friends or people I have crushes on, and not telling anyone about it. But I'm also scared of that (and I have to get over this episode before I try to engage that way). I can only love people from a distance. Like the person I have a crush on now, I am torn into two. I love their affection and attention, they are so kind and attractive and just a good person (which is saying something for the people I've crushed on in the past), but then I get angry, and want to push them away, because I'm really scared. I call them friend and they call me friend and I both WANT something more to be there, and also I am terrified of something more being there. Friends is safe and I like it (not like...I haven't hooked up with friends either, though. I don't even know). It tears me in two, because two parts of me want different things. The damaged part wants to never get close, the healing part wants intimacy. I just want to be over this sexual/romantic/emotional trauma. But I also don't want to get hurt again. Thank you for reading this long piece haha.
 

Deanna

MyPTSD Pro
The damaged part wants to never get close, the healing part wants intimacy. I just want to be over this sexual/romantic/emotional trauma.
I've always been that way and have been diagnosed as ptsd with bipolar. I'm not saying you are.. But I always pushed people away. I had a long distance relationship turn out to be the love of my life ( he lived 20 miles away and I drove to his house back and forth everyday or every other day) he was sexually abused but never diagnosed. We moved in together. He died 12 years ago... Anyway.. Enough about me but I feel your pain
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @Deanna I'm sorry about your loss!! I'm diagnosed with PTSD and borderline personality traits. I'm both sorry I'm not alone and glad?? lol. I used to drive 50 miles to see my abusive ex. I honestly don't have a problem with long distance haha. I just am scared of it all now.
 

Deanna

MyPTSD Pro
I understand how we want these issues to be just 'gone'. I do, too. I'm still working, independently. I get my health insurance through the state and I'm low income. I need to find another job but other jobs don't like PTSD. Then.. There goes my meds. I look fine, like I don't have an issue in the world. I present myself professionally to other people yet my downfall has always been relationships. I'm in a relationship now but its to another survivor. It's lasted a long time. ( 5 years) it's not perfect. It I've just been close to other survivors. I went to a mentally challenged school when I was 3 years old. My grandmother was a teacher there and I went with her everyday. I was even in the school Christmas play. I was there for a couple of years. My best friend who was severely challenged, burnt up in her night gown. That was before inflamable night gowns. She burned up by her fireplace so I experienced death real early. So loss and mentally challenged people were part of my life at a real young age.

The love of my life who died was 17 years older than me.. And he had been abused but never told anyone about it except for me.

For me I had to find a partner based on the way my brain was molded. And yes.. We broke up a hundred times because I wasn't, or he wasn't okay with it, but we hung ib there.

I think it's impossible to start something new when you don't have charactorists in a relationship that you understand. Take a chance but look for something that you can contribute, as you are, without being afraid. Things will develop but it takes time. A lot of time. Hope some of this helped.

( sorry for the longy)
 
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Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @Deanna, I hope you can find a job that works for you soon!! I'm so sorry you've been through such rough times.

Being understood is the main attribute I look for in a relationship (platonic, romantic or otherwise), and usually I gravitate towards people who have also had experiences in trauma (this person I'm talking about has as well, has been through years of therapy like me, and we're both in similar places when it comes to recovery). I feel like I could talk to them about this stuff but I'm also so ashamed. So so ashamed. I have therapy in a few minutes so I'm hoping it helps, I feel physically ill from anxiety and depression right now.
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you!! it helped and I have it again tomorrow. I am still struggling with this but it'll be okay I guess haha. They want to take me on a "friend date" so idk what that means. It's like... I both want that and also want something different. Ugh, I just feel like I'm so bad at this.
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
I decided I'm going to reconsider moving with my parents. I think I was only doing it because I had this crush. I feel really stupid but I think I may ask them to stop talking to me and just part ways so I can focus on my own life and goals and actually do something with my life because all I've thought about the last almost five months is them. I'm going to think it over though and do therapy tomorrow.
 
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