I want to get this under control for my partner/caretaker

Bubblegum

Learning
- Ok, so, I'm so so sorry about my over activity, but I don't have anywhere else to go until I get my new therapist, I feel like I'm hanging off the edge, but I'm trying to stay strong, but it's just getting increasingly harder lately (my old therapist wasn't great: "oh but see you have good memories too!" and "get over it, it's in the past" you know the kind), I have a lot more unresolved trauma outside of romantic relationships (extreme bullying in school, abusive parent, abusive family member, shooting, survivors guilt, rape, person close to me committing suicide, death of family members and close friends due to disease, and I just lost my dog so) but my relationship is what I'm going to try to focus on in this - it's been hard for me to open up properly to anyone except my bf, so I'm a little nervous.

I'm just so worried that my bf will get sick of me, or that he's going to get depressed or sick from me talking about it so much, I don't want to hurt him, wear him thin. I have finally met a person that's nice to me, that respects my feelings, that understands me, I sometimes cry at night thinking about how f*cking blessed I am to have him in my life, and because it feels weird, as they're the first person in my life to respect my feelings and boundaries, like it should have always been like this. He takes care of me, but I want to take care of myself, because I don't want to be a burden on him or our relationship.

Before him I wasn't in the greatest place, my ex is the first person that I truly f*cking despised (there's one more but I wont go into it) and it took me a long time to try to validate my experience and stop blaming myself (I still do blame myself, just don't constantly tell myself that I deserved the physical and emotional abuse as much anymore) and thing is that old relationship lasted for 3+ years, and then I met my new bf 6 months after that, it was a bumpy ride in the beginning, especially since I had to move from our old apartment, and my ex kept his stuff there and all, (he used me as kind of a storage locker, and also kept the spare keys to the apartment long after breaking up, and would show up unannounced in the middle of the night to sexually harass me or be overall inappropriate, like show up drunk, again, out of nowhere, I had to move. He took advantage of me sexually, while I was being drunk at my own Halloween party at some point too. A friend wanted to invite him, and I didn't want to start any drama. But lo and behold now I am the villain)

Ex bf would be calling my phone as soon as me and my current partner made it official, just to shout and call me names, like slut, whore and so on. And tell me shit like "you better not treat *name of partner* like you treated me" telling me over the phone that I'm an abusive monster who could never be loved by anyone else, And I still believe that on my lower days.

(I couldn't block him due to the move, so id get messages too, now days I can't have sound activated on my phone, because the tone of a dm or call, makes me all kinds of anxious)

So thing is, and ngl it's hard to write, I have never had to deal with this kind of baggage in a new relationship, did my other ex'es suck? Yeah few didn't, some did drugs, some had anger issues, but I didn't live with any of them, so I could escape fairly easily if need be.

But all of my exe's and old relationships is nothing compared to what I had to endure for those three years feeling trapped in that apartment, and now my current bf is dealing with idk what to call it, but the "after shake" essentially, and it's really exhausting for us both. Because the mental state I'm currently in, I have never had to deal with in a 'fresh' relationship. It's just gotten worse during covid, because I have no way of keeping myself busy, especially after I lost my job.

I get so on edge if the mood has changed ever so slightly in the room, I don't sleep much due to all the intrusive thoughts, and I can't fall asleep if he is sleeping (I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety) the insomnia comes in waves, and I had to go to the ER for it back in February. So the lack of sleep makes me feel even more neurotic, and I'm so overly sensitive to noises and specific actions, like, loud sighing, wheeze laughing, emotional distancing (my ex would punish me by withholding all physical intimacy that I needed during meltdowns/breakdowns, because that was only reserved for "good girls", my bf just needs a little space every now and then which is 100% ok, and I'm trying to work out a plan B for days where he's too tired)

I break down if he doesn't look at me in "the right way"

sudden loud noises literally makes me jump out of my seat, knocking on the door, or ringing of the doorbell really throws me off balance, even if we're expecting guests (I'll go hide in the bedroom and have my partner answer it, I'm dealing with some heavy mind fog these days too which doesn't help)

Drilling, shouting (he's a gamer, and he play's online with friends, so was my ex, and they have the same dialect, and are both loud, he talks English with me in order to avoid me having a panic attack, which isn't a big deal for him, considering he's American, but he doesn't with his friends)

He can literally poke me in the shoulder while I'm working, or stick his head around the corner of the door and say "hi" and I'll jump, like, it's weird and I do not know how to explain it.

I'm overreacting a lot too like, I'm coming off hostile to my partner even when I don't mean to necessarily, and I'm overthinking and overanalyzing everything he says, I keep thinking that we are worse off then we are, I question if he really truly loves me even when he literally said to me that he wants to get married next year, it doesn't matter how much he showers me in love and affection, I still question him, it hurts.

It hurts because I feel like he'd be happier without a broken person, it hurts because Id rather be dead then have children with him, in fear of leaving more people behind, but I want that life with him so bad, but the fear is just f*cking awful. I've had my first attempt in 5 years during the pandemic, I'm scared.

It just f*cking hurts so, so so much, because I feel like I don't bring anything good into his life, like I can't even have sexual intercourse unless I'm having a manic episode, due to my trauma (I've been raped before by two "friends", there was a date rape, and my ex had a sex addiction and would threaten me to, I have a hard time connecting sex with love these days) so I'm sitting here like a big fat f*cking question mark, why are you still here, like you're getting nothing out of it. And then he reminds me of why he is, holding my hand at 4AM while I'm having an episode, again. I don't deserve this guy.

I just can't stop feeling like I don't deserve any of this, I don't deserve him. I've been trying so hard to get back on my feet, but I feel like I'm back to square one, and that I am overstaying my welcome.

Some days I don't even see him as him it feels like, I get so irrationally angry or scared, I scream out of fear, I shout "don't f*cking touch me", some days I beg him to punish me, knowing he would never lay a hand on me, and I don't know why, maybe I feel like if he's frustrated and he takes it out on me, we will be happier, It f*cking hurts, the shame and the guilt from my actions weighs me further down every week. I used to seek refuge in the bathroom when I felt on edge, not to have anyone else deal with it, but now I don't notice it until I explodes. Sometimes I just disconnect with everything, like I can't even talk or communicate,

I don't mean to do these things, the aggression, the panic attacks. And I sure as hell don't know where all this is coming from, like where the f*ck did all of these things come from, it started 4-5 years ago, my memory is messed up though, so I don't even know what's real anymore. I can't stop being on guard, I want to quit so bad, none of my usual stims or safe spaces in the apartment work anymore, I can't even distract myself with games or hobbies.

All I know is that I want to get better, so that I can be the person he deserves to be with, I want to be myself 100% again whatever that used to be, I don't want him to fix me, I want to be strong for the both of us. I just feel so overwhelmed and lost and I don't know where to begin, I can't stop beating myself up over it. I just don't know where to start tackling this mental spaghetti that is my brain

I really just don't know where to begin, I'm sorry if this is very long and confusing post. But either way, thank you so much for taking some time off your day/night to read or comment, I really appreciate it, if I don't get back to you right away I might have hopefully dozed off, since it's like 5AM, but thank you and I am sorry for all of the text

(also quick note, realizing that around january three years ago is when my old relationship was at it's worst before my ex broke up with me sometime in summer the same year, and I'm wondering if that could be the reason for me being so vigilant and on guard, I feel like I can relax better once it's been over 3 years with my current partner idk, I hope I will)
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry @Bubblegum , that it's so hard at the moment. I hear it. It's beyond horrible when trauma is so present like this. The intensity and how unrelenting it is , is unbearable. I'm sorry you are going through all this.

It's totally understandable that you are letting this out in the way you are. I do that too (get snappy with my partner at times as I'm in high stress and everything is on danger alert, even though there is no danger now. Makes no sense as I know partner is safe as safe can be, and then the guilt of being like that....)

Are there things you can do to help ground you? Tactile things to hold or ground you in your body or if feeling your body is too triggering, to ground you in the safety of the moment?
For me, sometimes saying something out loud helps. Hearing my voice helps (but I also think that is because my voice is now an adult one and it helps my child parts remember I'm an adult now).

Are there also practical things to help? For example, your ex is harassing you. I don't know what country you are in, but in the UK that is illegal. You could apply for a non-molstation order to prevent him from doing that again. He is breaking the law. His behaviour is illegal. It is bullying, harassing, wrong, traumatic, stressful. All on him. Sometimes bullies like him, just having a visit from a police officer might stop it. If not, preventative/restrictive orders with the power of arrest might help.

And you say you are waiting for a new T. I hope the wait isn't too long.

My T (and people on here) remind me not to try and think what my partner is feeling and doing and let them decide for themselves. Your bf is with you. He has decided you are worthy of his love. Maybe right in this moment that feels far too unbelievable, and that is where maybe just focusing on trying to ground you, and working on accepting he is here comes a little later, once you have reduced your stress a little?
 

Friday

Moderator
Ok, so, I'm so so sorry about my over activity
<laughing> And here I was thinking about how slooooow it is, right now! Perspective.


I'm just so worried that my bf will get sick of me, or that he's going to get depressed or sick from me talking about it so much, I don't want to hurt him, wear him thin.
For me... this ties really hard into my trust issues. I have to work reeeeeeally really hard to allow other people to make their own decisions. Especially when I disagree with them. But if they want to be dating someone I dislike as much as myself? That’s their crazy ass decision to make. And my worrying about when they’re going to wise up, or trying to break things off before they wise up, or any of a hundred other super fantastic 😝 reactions? Means I need to check myself, and let them make their own choices. For their own reasons. For their own life. No matter how stupid or insane I think they are for doing so.

My thing to worry about is if I want to be with THEM.

Not the other way around.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
I’m so sorry @Bubblegum , all you’re describing is hard and the trauma is still very close. I myself had a DV relationship of 2 years with constant threat of suicide, and somehow my ex couldn’t believe I was with them. It was indeed, as @Friday says, my own nutty decision and it really went south. He did have an extreme form of CPTSD/BPD and I wasn’t prepared to any of it, let’s say I just threw my face against a wall, especially considering I myself had undiagnosed CPTSD, GAD and ADD at the time. That combination was no good, and it leaves traces. I also know the horrible nights where he still had the keys and kept popping up drunk, fall all over the place, call me a whore and then say I was an angel and wanting to have sex. All the ugly heartbreaking shit you have to say. Mine wasn’t sexually assaulting me though.

I’m by no means trying to compare you to my dreaded ex, but as I remember the beginnings that weren’t violent but just deeply exhausting, I can place myself in the shoes of your boyfriend. When my ex said things like how can I know you won’t date some rich old guy (he had these ideas… #eyeroll)

My response was: The fact I’m sitting here, right now, in your room and hearing you is in itself the proof that I want to be with you. If I didn’t want to be with you, I would simply.not.be.there!

(I couldn't block him due to the move, so id get messages too, now days I can't have sound activated on my phone, because the tone of a dm or call, makes me all kinds of anxious)
A thing I have done with the mum of my ex notifications that made me jump every time a WhatsApp sound popped in is that I assigned her a special sound for the notifications. I don’t know if it’s possible with Messenger. It’s possible on Signal also.

Block him in the channels you can’t change or keep one single channel through you both can communicate, so you can cut easily at any moment. Personally I find WhatsApp the most handy to quickly block, or emails if really it’s that bad, so it doesn’t allow immediate responses. And you make appointments with location and time just like before cell phones started to exist.

I also changed the rest of the sound of all other notifications so I won’t startle as I’m not accustomed to that grid of sounds. It’s silly but it really makes me feel better. You can also change the vibration patterns on certain phones and apps. I’m very thankful my phone has this option.

Another reason I feared notifications on my phone is that he would get paranoid and think it was a message from some other guy I was cheating with. At that point I did cut the sound of my phone entirely, vibrations included, and I started to miss important calls and be isolated from my friends. It’s hard to come back from these habits. I’m wondering if your dread of notifications might come from something similar?

One year later, the specific sound of the Signal notification sends me to a blasting flashback. Even looking at the interface. But it’s easier with the new sound pattern.

I can't fall asleep if he is sleeping (I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety)
I share this very much. With my ex ex, who was a super nice person who loved me deeply, I just couldn’t stand seeing him falling asleep. I’d sometimes would even get enraged about it, and a paranoia episode would start. To the point I was waking him up with some important discussion to have NOW. Then I ended up writing letters with the content of the discussion and see how batshit crazy it was. Not at the bottom. But the length and the blaming expression.

It hurts because I feel like he'd be happier without a broken person,
For now he’s telling you he’s happy with you. Love, even with people who are difficult, gives that happiness. There are people who are stable and kind and who are willing to sponge and help and be there for you, and knowing they make you happy makes them happy. I am certain he doesn’t see you as broken. Moreover, your trauma is still very recent and even still ongoing, so it’s pretty normal that you are in spikes of stress. For now it isn’t even only PTSD, it’s also Acute Stress Disorder. Armchair diagnose here, but it’s just to get the picture. You’ll get better. You will.

I don't deserve him.
Everyone deserves to be loved. Don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise. There are circumstances where loving someone is difficult, but it has nothing to do with deserving or not. No matter which names he’s called you to make you feel unlovable. Whores and bitches are perfectly lovable and deserving too, btw. And honestly, for all you have suffered, if there were a priority list of who deserves love and kindness you’d be on top.

All I know is that I want to get better,
This is good. This is the proof you deserve what’s happening to you. You’re getting your head out of the water, still swimming. But at least swimming. Requires a lot of effort!!! You’re doing it!

Are there also practical things to help? For example, your ex is harassing you. I don't know what country you are in, but in the UK that is illegal. You could apply for a non-molstation order to prevent him from doing that again. He is breaking the law. His behaviour is illegal. It is bullying, harassing, wrong, traumatic, stressful. All on him. Sometimes bullies like him, just having a visit from a police officer might stop it. If not, preventative/restrictive orders with the power of arrest might help.
Yup, in the UK they’re really fast on DV and stalking. I know the shame really gets in the way of getting to the police, I’ve been there, but having the police on your side gives you a leverage that really, really increases your sense of safety because you have an operational solution right in front of you. Plus, the institution acknowledging that HE is wrong and YOU are right, whatever he might say, that is power. You have the right to regain your power and comfort by all means.

My thing to worry about is if I want to be with THEM.

Not the other way around.
This ^^^ ❤️

While you’re awaiting therapy, would your GP be okay to prescribe you light tranquilizers or antidepressants? You don’t necessarily have to have a psychiatrist to get first-line medication. Perhaps the ER can provide you samples, and in extreme cases, a prescription. I did it when I was going totally south and felt like the window was a great solution or start to bang my head against walls violently. Sedatives aren’t optimal on the long run, but they can cut a panic attack and significantly decrease overall stress. I did do that because my waiting line was of 4 months before I could see a therapist. For me it worked right also to know I had an option if stress was too intense. Just knowing it’s there, even if not using it.

Loads of unsolicited advice here. Pick what you like, discard if not useful. I hope you’ll find some peace soon. Therapy helps. Medication helps. Good people around you helps!

(And it’s okay to write walls of text. ;-) )
 

Bubblegum

Learning
So first of all, I read all of your responses and I was so anxious about getting back to the thread for some reason. Now I feel like an idiot for even being worried about opening up in the first place

But this support, and feeling of validation is something I haven't gotten from any T, or any family member, because they're all just telling me to get over it, but none of them really know the entire story either. I feel a little overwhelmed.

I'm going to get back to your comments as soon as I have calmed down a bit, thank you so so much, for the feedback, for everything, I really appreciate it everyone ❤
 

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
Don’t get married next year. It’s too soon. It’s too soon given how people can hide themselves very well. It’s too soon given how you don’t really have any boundaries or a strong sense of self esteem.

it’s not just you. I tell every woman that if she hasn’t been in a relationship with a man for the better part of a decade, it’s too soon to get married.
 

Bubblegum

Learning
It's totally understandable that you are letting this out in the way you are. I do that too (get snappy with my partner at times as I'm in high stress and everything is on danger alert, even though there is no danger now. Makes no sense as I know partner is safe as safe can be, and then the guilt of being like that....)

I wish I could stop, because it's exactly like that, my partner have been there every part of the way, but I still gets like this, worrying about him turning out to be different then who he is. My ex was good at hiding his true self away from me, I was very vulnerable when we met, he would constantly reassure me that he could take care of me, and I didn't see the red flags along the way, the not wanting to apologize to me because I deserved the treatment he gave me, didn't matter how much I cried, it was my own fault, his words. 4 months in, the slap across the face over a petty argument about dishes and laundry, the abuse started shortly after, I was treated like a dog it felt like. If I did things that he liked he would give me words of praise or whatever else, the times he noticed I was getting closer to ending it, he would make big romantic gestures, it's embarrassing, because I got addicted to this person and they knew, they "broke up" with me 4-5 times. Less then a year in, that's when my panic attacks started getting really bad, and he would get violent when I got those, id scream for him to stop, or for help, but he would tell me to "shut the f*ck up or the neighbors will hate us"

Sometimes I would just egg him on to get it over with. I googled "is my partner an narcissist" at some point, god knows why I stayed.

I know my partner won't be anything like this, he's been a saint through it all, trying to ground me, asking me if I want to be held when I have attacks, respecting every boundary I've set, but I, still, do this, out of fear that he'll be just like him.

it's almost been 3 years of us two together, it was getting better, but then my ex started dating a friend of mine a year ago, who now has removed me from her life, he made up this story about how that I abused him, and claims to have PTSD due to me, so I relapsed.

Are there also practical things to help? For example, your ex is harassing you. I don't know what country you are in, but in the UK that is illegal. You could apply for a non-molstation order to prevent him from doing that again. He is breaking the law. His behaviour is illegal. It is bullying, harassing, wrong, traumatic, stressful. All on him. Sometimes bullies like him, just having a visit from a police officer might stop it. If not, preventative/restrictive orders with the power of arrest might help.
I've been doing a lot of research, but there's next to none, I'll have to go through the legal system and go to court, and it's expensive in terms of money and mental health, and cases like these aren't taken seriously unless there's a child involved, they get abandoned 70% of the time. If I lost that case or it got abandoned idk if I could live with myself.

I had one of his exe's reach out to me because they wanted to start a case against him due to raping her, but she couldn't get good enough evidence. So we're just waiting until he and his current gf breaks off, in hopes that she might reach out to us. I'm pretty worried for her.

Are there things you can do to help ground you? Tactile things to hold or ground you in your body or if feeling your body is too triggering, to ground you in the safety of the moment?
My boyfriend does this thing with me, where he tells me to look for 4 or more items in the room with a specific color, it works most times.

I'm looking for something small enough to have on me, that can ground me if it happens while outside, but I don't know how to go with that.

For me, sometimes saying something out loud helps. Hearing my voice helps (but I also think that is because my voice is now an adult one and it helps my child parts remember I'm an adult now).
I do this when I get intrusive thoughts and I'm unable to sleep, if I'm stressed out about something happening the next day (an important phone call or whatever else) it doesn't work as often as id wish though, but I think I'll try to apply it, I mean It can't hurt.

My T (and people on here) remind me not to try and think what my partner is feeling and doing and let them decide for themselves. Your bf is with you. He has decided you are worthy of his love. Maybe right in this moment that feels far too unbelievable, and that is where maybe just focusing on trying to ground you, and working on accepting he is here comes a little later, once you have reduced your stress a little?
I think that might be a good idea, I'll just have to focus on reducing my stress forward, I don't really have the tools right now, but it seems that the T appointment isn't that far off right now, I have never been at a private practitioner, so I'm just crossing my fingers it'll work. I got some homework though, but I haven't quite found out what I want to focus on first, because there's just too many roots to deal with.

For me... this ties really hard into my trust issues. I have to work reeeeeeally really hard to allow other people to make their own decisions. Especially when I disagree with them. But if they want to be dating someone I dislike as much as myself? That’s their crazy ass decision to make. And my worrying about when they’re going to wise up, or trying to break things off before they wise up, or any of a hundred other super fantastic 😝 reactions? Means I need to check myself, and let them make their own choices. For their own reasons. For their own life. No matter how stupid or insane I think they are for doing so.

My thing to worry about is if I want to be with THEM.

Not the other way around.
Ngl your comment made me chuckle, thanks I needed that ☺️

And yeah that's fair, I have never really felt like this about anyone before, because it felt like I chose them. I always kind of went with whoever due to my low self esteem, and my ex was kind of my wake up call, that if I don't change my ways I might actually end up dead, and not just covered in bruises.

It's just weird when someone new comes in your life, and they treat you with dignity and respect, and suddenly you're like "but I'm less than garbage why are you treating me like this", and that's one thing that needs to change, I realize now.
 

Bubblegum

Learning
’m so sorry @Bubblegum , all you’re describing is hard and the trauma is still very close. I myself had a DV relationship of 2 years with constant threat of suicide, and somehow my ex couldn’t believe I was with them. It was indeed, as @Friday says, my own nutty decision and it really went south. He did have an extreme form of CPTSD/BPD and I wasn’t prepared to any of it, let’s say I just threw my face against a wall, especially considering I myself had undiagnosed CPTSD, GAD and ADD at the time. That combination was no good, and it leaves traces. I also know the horrible nights where he still had the keys and kept popping up drunk, fall all over the place, call me a whore and then say I was an angel and wanting to have sex. All the ugly heartbreaking shit you have to say. Mine wasn’t sexually assaulting me though.
Yeah that is rough, I have never really threatened with suicide, but I had an ex who did, and he was a paranoid schizophrenic (my first bf, so yeah off to a good start) I tried to cut ties more than once, it's straight up evil using someone's kindness like that. Tbh it took me a couple of years to start feeling again after that alone, it's really draining. Sexual assault or not, that's a pretty rough thing to go through, your experience is just as valid.

Speaking of, I tried to explain to my ex that I was suicidal and it turned into "oh wow you're threatening me with suicide" or "don't use that against me"

I just bawled my eyes out 24/7, at some point I met the wall due to our relationship and tried to explain that I wasn't doing to well, and he would twist everything I said, I still try to recover from the gaslighting, knowing that I for one promised myself never to threaten anyone with suicide after my first bf

I’m by no means trying to compare you to my dreaded ex, but as I remember the beginnings that weren’t violent but just deeply exhausting, I can place myself in the shoes of your boyfriend. When my ex said things like how can I know you won’t date some rich old guy (he had these ideas… #eyeroll)
Huh, that's condescending as f*ck ngl. Your ex has some really deeply rooted insecurities 👀

I don't really worry about him leaving me, which is kind of weird, considering I was always worrying in my past relationships about that kind of thing, only to be the one breaking it off (most times) I just have this idea that he'd be better off with someone who has stuff figured out and are more stable like himself.

He has this big bleeding heart for me, and I don't want his generosity and kindness go to waste, some days I feel like that's wasted on someone like me, but other days I'm more "like myself" If that makes any sense, and I have this strong urge to work hard towards a future where we can be, happy and healthy together. But then again I have ADHD and Bipolar Depression, so my mood varies a lot too.

I started to miss important calls and be isolated from my friends
Due to my phone anxiety I miss a lot of calls and messages, and I'm running out of excuses to give my family and friends

One year later, the specific sound of the Signal notification sends me to a blasting flashback. Even looking at the interface. But it’s easier with the new sound pattern.
I changed the interface and bg's, but I'll ask my bf for help with the sound settings, this is a great idea actually.

I share this very much. With my ex ex, who was a super nice person who loved me deeply, I just couldn’t stand seeing him falling asleep. I’d sometimes would even get enraged about it, and a paranoia episode would start. To the point I was waking him up with some important discussion to have NOW. Then I ended up writing letters with the content of the discussion and see how batshit crazy it was. Not at the bottom. But the length and the blaming expression.
I try my best to not wake him up at the middle of the night, he even told me that if I needed to, it'd be okay. I've always had a lot of nightmares, ever since I was a little kid, I've been scared about falling asleep. Now I'm terrified about not falling asleep, because my nightmares don't make sense half of the time, and it's better than intrusive thoughts I get. Also falling asleep is even harder if he's not holding my hand, or holding me in general. That's new though, come to think of it, but it might be rooted way back?

So when I was a child, my dad would be with me and hold me with me until I fell asleep, and through my really bad episodes it was basically necessary.

At night I would hear my mom scream and break things, through the air ventilation system, and my dad would always check in on me, when she had calmed her tits. (Me and my mom just started talking again 3 years ago when she started getting therapy, it isn't "all good" but, it's getting closer to it) so in some twisted way my brain is comparing my bf to, my dad??? Idk I'm just trying to make sense of it, my dad was the only stable person through my life, he would say that his love for me was unconditional, and so does my current partner, so, I guess I'm being clingy for some phycological reason, and now my brain hurts from all the over analyzing 😵 Idk where this came from, but it makes some kind of sense.

For now he’s telling you he’s happy with you. Love, even with people who are difficult, gives that happiness. There are people who are stable and kind and who are willing to sponge and help and be there for you, and knowing they make you happy makes them happy. I am certain he doesn’t see you as broken. Moreover, your trauma is still very recent and even still ongoing, so it’s pretty normal that you are in spikes of stress. For now it isn’t even only PTSD, it’s also Acute Stress Disorder. Armchair diagnose here, but it’s just to get the picture. You’ll get better. You will.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart really, I hope I can get there

Iv'e been dealing with all these different kinds stress factors now for the most of my life, it's been hard, but, I'm stubborn enough to have survived a couple attempts down the line, I have a little hope that I might be able to get through this too, thank you for rooting for me like this, it made me feel a little better ❤

Everyone deserves to be loved. Don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise. There are circumstances where loving someone is difficult, but it has nothing to do with deserving or not. No matter which names he’s called you to make you feel unlovable. Whores and bitches are perfectly lovable and deserving too, btw. And honestly, for all you have suffered, if there were a priority list of who deserves love and kindness you’d be on top.
Ok ngl this part is what broke me, and I cried reading it again, I still try to get it into my thick skull that I'm not some kind of unlovable freak. I'll try repeating this to myself when things get dark, again, thank you sm for your kindness ; w ; ❤

This is good. This is the proof you deserve what’s happening to you. You’re getting your head out of the water, still swimming. But at least swimming. Requires a lot of effort!!! You’re doing it!
I still feel like I'm drowning, and good days seem far and between, but today I feel like I can breathe, compared to the days before, so that's worth something ^^

Yup, in the UK they’re really fast on DV and stalking. I know the shame really gets in the way of getting to the police, I’ve been there, but having the police on your side gives you a leverage that really, really increases your sense of safety because you have an operational solution right in front of you. Plus, the institution acknowledging that HE is wrong and YOU are right, whatever he might say, that is power. You have the right to regain your power and comfort by all means.
Where I live it's pointless to go with cases like these to the police sadly, it'll get dropped right away unless I go to court against him, which I don't think id be strong enough to handle.

While you’re awaiting therapy, would your GP be okay to prescribe you light tranquilizers or antidepressants? You don’t necessarily have to have a psychiatrist to get first-line medication. Perhaps the ER can provide you samples, and in extreme cases, a prescription. I did it when I was going totally south and felt like the window was a great solution or start to bang my head against walls violently. Sedatives aren’t optimal on the long run, but they can cut a panic attack and significantly decrease overall stress. I did do that because my waiting line was of 4 months before I could see a therapist. For me it worked right also to know I had an option if stress was too intense. Just knowing it’s there, even if not using it.
I currently get melatonin from my GP, 3MG but nothing more, antidepressants don't really work that well on me due to my bipolar disorder. The people at the ER prescribed me quetiapine, but I get drowsy and depressed from the 25mg alone, but I guess that's better than me banging my head into the wall

on days where melatonin isn't enough though, I cut the quetiapine into 1/4 pieces and take that with. If that doesn't work 25mg kicks me out.

Loads of unsolicited advice here. Pick what you like, discard if not useful. I hope you’ll find some peace soon. Therapy helps. Medication helps. Good people around you helps!
I take whatever help and advice I can get tbh, you took your time writing all of this and I appreciate it a whole lot, I feel a little less hopeless knowing there's a place like this out there, where kind people that have been through some of the same experiences, are willing to share their tools with each other. It's a blessing truly ; w ;

(And it’s okay to write walls of text. ;-) )
Nice :)))) ❤

(also thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me and going into such detail!)

It’s too soon given how people can hide themselves very well
Thanks for fueling my anxiety, yikes.

We have talked about getting married, he said he'd love to get married next year, If I wanted to.

But we are doing it on my terms, when I feel comfortable enough, or safe enough to go through with it, when I've gotten some independence of my own. I didn't include the entire context because I was going through something while writing all of that. So sorry if there were any misunderstandings.

This is the only man I've been with that both my mom, and dad approved of, including my brothers, if their skepticism and guard is down, I trust it'll turn out all right.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
So we're just waiting until he and his current gf breaks off, in hopes that she might reach out to us. I'm pretty worried for her.
Aaaah a hostage situation!!! How terrible. I’m really sorry for you. Somehow it can me more anxiogenic because for yourself you’re like okay, I’m already covered in bruises and I’ve seen shit, but this person doesn’t know how it is and no one should know. You’re not responsible for her decisions neither. It might be complicated for her to reach you. When I tried to reach out for his ex, impossible to find anything about her. I even managed to see her full name on an old credit card account he had left on Amazon, never found a trace of the damn person. I think in my case it’s quite an amount of bad luck and not going full to that research cause I could try to turn his mother or lookup for the address myself, but when you’re caught in looping crisis of 3 days, you’re just exhausted.

However, apparently I managed to spook the new one by telling my ex’s rommates the entire truth who felt compelled to pass the message. She’s gone.

Speaking of, I tried to explain to my ex that I was suicidal and it turned into "oh wow you're threatening me with suicide" or "don't use that against me"
That’s f*cking shitty. I had it too. Even when I complained I was depressed, somehow it was against him. True that he was quite responsible for that, but I wasn’t complaining directly.

I have this strong urge to work hard towards a future where we can be, happy and healthy together.
That’s sweet. It’s what’s needed. It’s good to read you’re writing this because it’s a big step in just willing to be better and not give up. Happy and healthy it will not be constant and rough patches fill a life, but you seem quite conscious of what you can do want to do and how to balance things between your efforts and the ones of your partner.

Idk where this came from, but it makes some kind of sense.
For me it does too. You were in a hostile, volatile environment and physical closeness was the warrant you’d be protected. Forget all the Freudian analysers here, you get these things because getting used to stressful situations, not because boyfriend=dad=protector figure or stuff like that. It is not practical to have to hold hands with your partner to decrease hypervigilance and self-triggering, but there is nothing wrong in itself.

It can be weird because similar sequences of feelings can fire, because you know them in one set of circumstance and the most deeply rooted ones are parental, but a similar sequence of feelings doesn’t mean it’s the same, that you’re infantile or that you’re confusing your partner with your father, as I’ve heard and read so many times in books, forums, and even from therapists who still use psychoanalysis as a frame of reference. It just means it’s what’s you’ve learned. That properly terrifying things happen at night and that someone you love and trust will protect you.

Physical reassurance is very rewarding for the brain, if you take into consideration it’s capable to extinguish anxiety like this and provide a sense of loving comfort.

It's a blessing truly ; w
Yes, this forum is damn good. It’s been very important in my recovery. I feel lucky to have found this place! I hope you’ll find inspiration in all the tricks everyone deploys everyday to stay afloat, or also the days it’s not been so great. Welcome :-)

(also thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me and going into such detail!)
That’s alright. Walls of text for walls of text. Hope you’ll resolve your situation with your ex soon so at least that door can close.
 

Friday

Moderator
I've been doing a lot of research, but there's next to none, I'll have to go through the legal system and go to court, and it's expensive in terms of money and mental health, and cases like these aren't taken seriously unless there's a child involved, they get abandoned 70% of the time. If I lost that case or it got abandoned idk if I could live with myself.
Something to keep in mind... there are multiple types of restraining orders / no contact orders.

I went in seeking 1... and walked out with 11.
5 on me, 5 on our child, and 1 on the dog.
Took less than 10 minutes.

I did have a child, and I did have a lawyer. I’d been trying for months to get even that 1 stupid thing filed... but when I walked in with my attorney? We zipped back and forth across the courthouse into umpteen different rooms, getting stuff stamped (no lines, that time of day, which is why she told me to come in then... it was a ghost town), a face to face with a judge, who upped our request (my lawyer figured they would, as they usually increase if you ask low, or decreases if you ask high, in our area)... and less than 15 minutes had passed before I was 10 blocks away, dropping the envelope into police hands, and on the train home.

The difference a good lawyer makes? Is incalculable.
 
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Bubblegum

Learning
However, apparently I managed to spook the new one by telling my ex’s rommates the entire truth who felt compelled to pass the message. She’s gone.
God I wish that were me, Ironically enough I was hinting towards it like "hey look here's my new bf! He's a lot nicer!", think is she has low self esteem, and she knew my ex for a while (close to a decade, they would mostly just hang at parties or whatever),

But she just knows the the version he gave himself out to be, and I get that can be blinding in a sense,

she's also a lot more independent, so I'm a little less worried, knowing she's not mentally ill like me and handles herself better.

I blame myself for the abuse I got, because maybe my panic attacks get really tiering, and maybe they're sick too, and maybe that's because of me. But then I remember that they didn't really respect boundaries and get angry if I made any ultimatums, or if I didn't want sex one day. They never really respected my feelings in the first place, they were just playing online games replying with "mmm" when I opened up about my issues the first time too, but rose tinted glasses is a powerful thing I tell ya

His ex before me did send me messages though, but he brushed it off like "she's just f*cking insane"

now they're friends though, which I didn't know (I tried to reach out to her after it was over and she told him about that, probably even shared screenshots, so he used it to manipulate me further by pretending a friend of mine told him, but I knew it wasn't her, because I asked my friend about it right after, he quoted what I sent his ex word by word, he's not bright so I got the advantage there) I knew he did a lot of damage control but damn.

I'm just like, in my head, maybe I am the bad guy, maybe I hope I am, because If I'm the reason he did what he did, if he lost his temper because of me, maybe It wont be like that for her, like it was for me. I really don't want her to go through that.

As you can see I really can't make up my mind, like I'm at war with myself trying to find out what is what. I'm just so confused >_<

That’s sweet. It’s what’s needed. It’s good to read you’re writing this because it’s a big step in just willing to be better and not give up. Happy and healthy it will not be constant and rough patches fill a life, but you seem quite conscious of what you can do want to do and how to balance things between your efforts and the ones of your partner.
I suppose what we are going for is more of a balanced life, since the rough patch seem kind of never ending right now, but yeah can't have a rainbow without rain as they say, I just feel like I'm the roadblock, and I need to get myself in the drivers seat in order to sort all of this out. But I'm it comes off that way, really, I beat myself up a lot for not being there yet.

or me it does too. You were in a hostile, volatile environment and physical closeness was the warrant you’d be protected.
Exactly that. I'm glad I have my bf, my ex would withheld that kind of thing because he's got a twisted kind of "justice"

Though my partner has to ask me first these days, or it could make it worse, idk what that's about

Yes, this forum is damn good. It’s been very important in my recovery. I feel lucky to have found this place! I hope you’ll find inspiration in all the tricks everyone deploys everyday to stay afloat, or also the days it’s not been so great. Welcome :-)
So far so good ❤ Hopefully I'll get to know more people on here eventually. But it's nice to not feel alone in trying to recover from shitty life stuff ❤

Hope you’ll resolve your situation with your ex soon so at least that door can close.
Thank you, I hope so too ❤

Something to keep in mind... there are multiple types of restraining orders / no contact orders.

I went in seeking 1... and walked out with 11.
5 on me, 5 on our child, and 1 on the dog.
Took less than 10 minutes.

I did have a child, and I did have a lawyer. I’d been trying for months to get even that 1 stupid thing filed... but when I walked in with my attorney? We zipped back and forth across the courthouse into umpteen different rooms, getting stuff stamped (no lines, that time of day, which is why she told me to come in then... it was a ghost town), a face to face with a judge, who upped our request (my lawyer figured they would, as they usually increase if you ask low, or decreases if you ask high, in our area)... and less than 15 minutes had passed before I was 10 blocks away, dropping the envelope into police hands, and on the train home.

The difference a good lawyer makes? Is incalculable.

So wait, there's potentially a way to not include them in the progress? They'll still have to be notified in a way though, that they can't come close, they have a very fragile ego, so I worry about any step I take at all. If they catch me outside and approach me, it'll suck for my mental health, if they go on a rampage and talk shit it'll affect my social life and my mental health, I can't just move away to my family either, since I live in a very small country, everyone knows everyone.

But he did physically hurt me, and I know he has bad self control and anger issues.

I'll try to call the polices help line and ask what I can do, and see if I can talk to/afford an attorney. Problem is I need to renew it every 12 months, but it's a small price to pay for taking my life back and feeling safe outside my apartment again. Crossing my fingers it'll turn out fine.
 
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