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I Want to Tell My Story - Raped and Abuse By My Brother

Discussion in 'Childhood' started by annafennutchi, Jul 10, 2006.

  1. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member

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    I want to share my story with people, but I never know how to start, I always hear it as such an unbelievable story, that no one will ever understand. But here goes.

    I was molested by my older brother from the age of 8 until 13. The abuse started out playful and non-threatening, like a game. I don't remember getting much attention from anyone in my family before that, and I remember it felt nice for someone to pay me some. It wasn't until after he had come to me a few times that it turned evil. It went from mild touching to demanding I allow him to insert fingers into my vagina, I knew that it was wrong but to me it was too late, if I told anyone now, they would blame me for not stopping it the first time it happened. I fought back and tried to resist, but he would hit me and throw me against his wall over and over. I felt like it was my punishment for not telling someone in the beginning.

    When we moved from that house a couple of years later, I thought that by some stroke of luck, the abuse would stop. By this time he was 15, I was 10. Little did I know things would only get worse. My parents worked farther away from home which gave him more time to work with. If I took a shower, he would come in. He made me touch him or let him touch me. One time I tried to fight in there and he whacked me on the head with the shower massager, after having to come up with a story for that one, I didn't fight him in there anymore.

    By this time I had become numb and just went through the motions. I felt it was easier to do that instead of getting my ass kicked. I felt like I was less than nothing, a subcreature, this was my hell and I wished I was dead.

    My numbness triggered a new level of abuse. He no longer did anything to me without hurting me. he even put a lock at the top of his door to make it so hard to unlock that he had time to catch me if I tried to run. He now fancied throwing me down and holding my arms with his knees he would force me to perform oral sex. I tried to bite him once, he punched me so hard in the chest, I couldn't breathe, it felt like he had killed me-I hoped. No such luck, I came to with the feeling of him climaxing,I always had to swallow or suffer more punishment.

    This is only the beginning, but I can't go on right now, this has worn me out. Thank you to you all for listening to me and giving me your support. I will share more another time:sleep: :dontknow:
     
    Copper Princess and ladee like this.
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  3. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    I am so sorry.....I don't think there are words.....You are so strong to be here today. He stole a lot from you, your childhood, your happiness, your sense of self, your virginity, and even your family. You are strong to survive that. So strong. You are even stronger now that you have written about it, even if it's only just a little bit. It is one step closer to healing. Now that you are here, as an adult and not a helpless child, as a survivor, are you ready to heal? You can. Say it out loud: "I deserve to heal. I deserve happiness. I deserve love. I am strong. I can do it." repeat as neccessary.
     
    survivor0616, Issy and ladee like this.
  4. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    okay, I went to bed but I'm too pissed to lay down.:angry-fla : I have a few words to say so I can vent and go to sleep. It might be humorous to everyone else, but the bastard is lucky that I don't know who he is. I am a tiny thing, but my hub is 6' 8" and I'm sure Anthony might have some weapons around????:die: (no offense anthony..) I need some proactive therapy. Now, that raises another question...do you still have contact with this scum of the earth? Does he still breathe the same air as you? If he does, how do you cope and not just :gunem-dow ? You know, I still fantasize about finding the "bastard' and chopping his head off (we need a smilie that is getting head chopped off)....but I'm scared all at the same time. Really, I don't think I'll ever want to run into him...although I don't know if I would know it if I did. Is fear what you feel? Once again, I'm so sorry, but if you'll let me, I'll go kick his measly little ass.:mad:
     
  5. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    Want to have a go at my brother too? I think he went to the same psycho school.
     
  6. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    I can tell you where he lives too.
     
  7. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member

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    Wow

    Yep, you can beat his ass. I came so close to cutting his throat that it's not funny. I have decided that ruining his perfect existance by telling everyone what he did is a much more effective way to destroy him.
    To answer your questions, yes I still have contact with him if we happen to be at the same family events. Part of me waits for my parents to be dead and gone because I know at this point the only way to totally loose touch is for them to die.
    My brother is a huge source of fear. I had to see him last night and in frount of other people I have to talk to him and pretend that nothing is wrong, it's a tiring sharade and I am ready for it to be over. I just don't know any other way. I don't know how well I "cope" but I am a hell of an actress.
     
  8. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    Aren't we all. Trying to act normal when a war is going on inside. Trying to subdue the anger when it's about to blow. Trying to keep it all inside until it's safe to throw things, and scream, and run, and do whatever feels better....but usually it doesn't. Trying to keep a job, and trying to keep your family, and most of all, trying to keep your sanity. We have all been there, or going through it right now. I'm so sorry for the two of you to have to go through that (seeing him over and over..) I hope he's afraid too, that his real personality will eventually become public. That he sees you getting stronger and stronger. Hold your head high ladies, because you are stronger than him. You are a survivor.

    I'm so glad that the two of you found each other. A link between two survivors through cyberspace. It's awesome.. As Anthony will say, the hurt healing the hurt and in turn healing our selves.
     
    Issy likes this.
  9. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    I do this too. I've been told I dissociate and block everything away. I tend to just go into automatic - say yes and no in the right places, don't start arguments, don't be in a room alone with the bastard. Better still, don't go unless I know he's at the other end of the country!

    I also get this weird need to sleep whenever I go to see the family. It's like I'm drugged or something. I find myself struggling to stay awake, yet I'm anxious as hell. Isn't it ironic that the only place I sleep like an absolute log is the place that I have nightmares about when I'm away from it? Mind you, my brother no longer lives there and my dog stays in the room with me. I also stay in my normal brother's old room if I stay over. Doesn't go well if I go in my old room!

    Dig your heels in girl and let em have it!
     
  10. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member

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    I am so in disbelief that I have found someone so like myself in such an unlikely place. I thank you all for your support. I am finding new strength with every post I read. I am almost to a breaking point and when I would, in the past stifle the urge to flip the Thanksgiving table and tell the whole family who he really is.

    You know what, I never thought about him being still afraid that I might tell, or that he may get caught(if he is still making victims). That is a whole new source of power I feel now. I hate to sound vindictive, but I like the thought of him finally being scared.

    Believe me my heels are indeed digging in!
     
  11. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    An interesting point raised here. Every time I visit my family home, if my brother knows I'm there, he is straight over. I always viewed this as intimidation tactics "don't you dare tell or else" kind of thing, and also a jealousy thing - he never could cope with anyone else getting attention so would behave badly to get the focus on himself. The genral theme went: if he started hitting someone, the parents would be nice to him in order to get him to behave more appropriately. That's pretty much like giving treats to a dog for biting someone. All it does is encourage the behaviour - positive reinforcement. This type of training is excellent if used in the right way, but disastrous if not.

    These days I'm more of the view that he is as scared as he is jealous of me visiting our parents. This makes me still scared of him, but also slightly empowered. It makes a family visit just about bearable, despite the side effects. I don't think I would ever dare say anything in front of the family, as I would fear the consequences both for me and them. The fact that I COULD if I chose to still helps me cope.
     
  12. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    Wow, ladies, I don't know how you do it. I'm so glad you found each other! You guys are brave, patient, and strong to deal with being around "him" while you are trying to heal. I'm sure it makes healing hard. Talking about a freakin trigger!!!
     
    Issy likes this.
  13. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

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    Nicole... what can I say??? Honestly, for both you and Piglet, me personally, I would put them both behind bars, drag their sorry arses through court of law, whether winning or not, just for the satisfaction of complete humiliation on their behalf, with the story becoming so public, and even prompting it along with a tip off to the media at the time, just to hammer the nail into the coffin completely.

    Yes, I am a male, and will never know what a female suffers when being raped. What I do know though, is that what has happened with you Nicole, regardless of the offender being family, it is against the law, it is rape, and punishable by court of law. I guess it is easy for me to say tell the authorities, press charges, but another for you with the feelings, hurt and pain that is associated with your suffering. Talk about a rock and a hard place.

    I said this to Piglet some time ago now about her brother always wanting to be around when she visits her family, in that maybe he is just shit scared about what he has done, and whether or not she will tell, and all secrets are revealed. It gives power, but the problem is, is that the offences still occured, the trauma is still real, and now you have to decide whether its the right time for you to expose these people for what they really are worth (not much).

    You are one hell of a strong person Nicole to have fought this as long as you have, and I think you need to get yourself off to a relevant expert for diagnosis ASAP to be honest. Whilst you have suffered your life with all these traumas already, a time comes when the body and mind just cannot continue in the state they have for so long, and they shutdown upon you.

    Its great that your talking about your trauma, because that is a serious step that you need to take, ensuring you get every little piece out of your system, to the point where you accept what has happened, and no longer fear your past. It doesn't mean that what has happened was right, because it most certainly wasn't, and no person, especially as a child, should have to suffer what you have suffered. What it means though, is that you can continue with your life, knowing that your past is completely behind you, and only a distant memory of the rest of your life you have ahead of you, instead of your past controlling you, and controlling your present and future life.

    I could only encourage you Nicole to continue telling your story, continue getting it all out of your system, and continue to heal within yourself for the undue justice that has been served upon you previously. Your brother needs to be dealt with to be honest, and should be reported to the law for those dealings. He should be exposed so that he cannot ever hurt anyone else again, under any circumstances.

    As he has done this too you, who says he wouldn't do it too another? Or worst, have a daughter and end up abusing her also? I could only hope that one day if you are strong enough, that you report him for what he has done, and allow the law to provide him some trauma for the hell he has put you through already.
     
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