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Childhood I was a victim of COCSA and I've never told anyone

Bland

New Here
I've never talked about this in depth but I've been emotional tonight and crying (I'm not someone who usually cries) to the point where I was muffling sobbing sounds and so I decided I have to come clean. I can't ever tell anyone about this. Its not that I don't have anyone to tell it to but its a lot to put on someone. I've only ever my 2 bffs and it was about the aftermath which I'll tell about later.

But I will be telling all of it today. This is very hard for me to write and I might have to take a break and finish writing later.

It was first crushes best friend. It was almost like a game but not really. He would want to basically grind on me. It's simple and easy when I write it in a sentence like this but it doesn't capture it all.

I say it was almost like a game bc he would ask to do it and sometimes I would be like fine ok and sometimes I didn't really want to but if someone wants to play a game enough as kids, you give in.

The first time he said he wanted to show me something while we were right in (on?) the tree line. There was a shed and I was put against it. He was pressed against me and I can almost feel it right now. A couple years before this happened, my aunt would hold and pin me down when I had tantrums. I think this is what was causing me to be so limp. I was panicking and telling him we shouldn't do this bc we would be caught. I was more concerned about getting in trouble. I think he said it would be fine. I was trying to get him to stop. Sorry I know I'm saying "I think" a lot but things can get muddled and I can't be concrete about everything. He said something about not telling anyone.

I feel a bit guilty for not being forceful but I was unaware. I didn't know what was happening to me. I get chills when I think about what would have happened if I actually did have a more physical reaction bc I'm not sure if he would have gotten violent. I feel sick when I think of how he did that. Why would he do that to me? He had to know I didn't want to. I was against him and trying to get away, he pulled me closer. That's how I was pressed against the shed. This has really scarred me deeply. I cannot be close friends with boys properly because boys my age remind me of him. I'm uncomfortable around boys who were like that (I'll explain this more). The thought of a relationship with a boy scares me though I'm not afraid of the idea of one w a man.

This is the most important part of all this for me. I was 6/5 and he was 12. When I say like him, I mean boys who make me feel small like that. Like I'm 6 again and they're 12.

There was no way he didn't know. My middle school went from kindergarten to 8th. There was a class of kindergarteners in the computer room one day. I was printing something in the library and I looked at them and it took everything in me not to cry. Do you know how small they were? I tried to imagine one of them going through that and I wanted to die. I have this problem where I see the me who was hurt as a little girl who is separate from me. It's hard for me to imagine being that small and going through that.

It happened in his bathroom another time. It's a bit jumbled. I can't remember why exactly he went in there/went in there with me. Maybe it was to help me turn on the shower after we went to the pool. Maybe it was to help get me changed. I don't really think it matters. This time I was really nervous because everyone was outside the door and he was doing that to me. I can't remember this time as well bc I think I was even more nervous.

There is another time where I went along with it. We were alone in my room and it happened for a long time. I can't remember if it felt good for me or not but I think it might've if I was putting up with it for such a long period of time. I got really sweaty and got up because I needed something to drink. I don't think he wanted me to. He followed me and got something to drink too. He asked if I wanted to again and didn't really because I was hot and tired. He tried to convince me. My mom must've got suspicious cause she came out her room and asked what he meant. And we came up with the excuse of he meant jumping on the bed.

This is a lot of reading so I'll make this last part short. One day, my mom gets a phone call that the boy had assaulted a girl and when he was asked if he did it to anyone else he said my name. I'm playing in the hallway when my mom calls me over and asks "Bland, did you have sex with @!$#%?" And my blood froze and my head was full of static. I said no but I'm sure I must've looked like I was full of shit. So she forced me to get an exam done and after a lot of convincing from her and the doctor, I gave in and said yes. I was given a stuffed animal to hold. The whole time I felt like I had done something wrong. That question she asked me haunts me still.

I didn't have the capacity to tell anyone what happened. They asked me if he had put his penis in me and I said no. I wasn't able to tell them how he held me against the sink or the shed or on my bed. I can't remember if anyone asked me if he hurt me but I'm sure they did. What could I have said but no? I was never hurt in any physical ways by him. I still didn't even actually know what they were doing. That they were doing an exam to see if I was still a virgin.

No, I didn't have sex with a 12 yr old when I was 6. How could anyone call that sex?
 
I admire your bravery in being able to speak about what happened to you and take a step towards healing. It wasn’t your fault and he did know better. Sexual assault is still sexual assault without penetration. I’m very sorry that it sounds like they discounted your experience because it didn’t hold to their narrow, incorrect opinion of what constitutes assault. In addition to the abuse that happened, it sounds like the adults in your life failed you and I am so sorry for that. It doesn’t sound like you were treated with compassion and empathy. It sounds like you expected punishment rather than comfort from your caretakers. It sounds like the focus was on your physical body rather than the emotional toll that the trauma could take. How we hold trauma isn’t just about what happens to us, but the support we have or don’t have while going through it. You deserved therapy then to help you work through this and I hope you have access to it now.
 
It’s a massive step sharing today. Sharing can give feelings of both relief and fear, so I hope you’re doing ok with it.

lots of us on this forum have experienced sexual abuse in all it’s many forms. So we understand just how painful it is to share, say those words, remember, not remember, hold ourselves responsible.
 
I admire your bravery in being able to speak about what happened to you and take a step towards healing. It wasn’t your fault and he did know better. Sexual assault is still sexual assault without penetration. I’m very sorry that it sounds like they discounted your experience because it didn’t hold to their narrow, incorrect opinion of what constitutes assault. In addition to the abuse that happened, it sounds like the adults in your life failed you and I am so sorry for that. It doesn’t sound like you were treated with compassion and empathy. It sounds like you expected punishment rather than comfort from your caretakers. It sounds like the focus was on your physical body rather than the emotional toll that the trauma could take. How we hold trauma isn’t just about what happens to us, but the support we have or don’t have while going through it. You deserved therapy then to help you work through this and I hope you have access to it now.
Thank you. I have mixed feelings about how I was treated bc it was hurtful for me but at the same time I denied anything happening at all. But I denied it bc I was scared shitless the entire time. I didn't even know that what he did would constitute as bad. So nobody in my life knows that he molested me. I'm torn between feeling like I should have said something and knowing I couldn't have. I'm mad at my mom but at the same time I know she wasn't trying to hurt me. She was hurt when she was a child and it was never handled properly. Maybe she thought if she asked me if I had sex instead of if he made me do anything I might react differently? I feel so relieved by these reassurances that he was wrong. I can't go right now but I am hoping to go to therapy in the next year. I want to try EMDR.

It’s a massive step sharing today. Sharing can give feelings of both relief and fear, so I hope you’re doing ok with it.

lots of us on this forum have experienced sexual abuse in all it’s many forms. So we understand just how painful it is to share, say those words, remember, not remember, hold ourselves responsible.
Yes, that's exactly how I feel. It's like I was dunked in ice water. But replies like this, thank you. I'm doing ok just a bit emotional. I never ever thought I would talk about this. I thought I might die with it like the other women in my family.
 
@Bland
I am so sorry that this happened to you! I had incidents that happened to me as a young child that are similar.

I have “worn” the shame all my life, but am not going accept that I will have that feeling for the rest of my life. I just won’t.

Very few people know, but thankfully I have been able to find good therapists and have worked on my “stinking thinking.”

We are not what happened to us, we have more power than we realize, and refusing to quit life is a gift!

Thank you for sharing this with us!💜
 
@Bland I'm so sorry for your experience and how traumatic this has been and continues to be for you...I think you've been very brave to tell everything that happened here and I really encourage you to continue working sharing about it either in therapy or through a forum like this... there are sadly lots of people with different stories of SA (including cocsa) who understand where you're at (I'm one)... and you'll get genuine support... it's a shame that this was handled more professionally at the time and you weren't given the time and space from anyone to feel safe enough to tell your story and get the understanding and support you needed... but it's not too late to get that now...

You have nothing to be ashamed of ... this was abuse that you sadly had no chance to control or stand up against in any way... you were too young...

The torn feelings you speak of are all very normal too.. seeing it from an adult perspective but feeling it from your child perspective is that disparity really... and perhaps your journey, like others here, is to use the adult you to help your little child self through that nightmare of shame to access the support you so deserve and have every right to ask for...
No, I didn't have sex with a 12 yr old when I was 6. How could anyone call that sex?
I get this so very completely...I understand the feelings and thoughts behind this. In my case I was 9 and he was 10/11 (I don't know exact age) ... at the end of the day, if it happened it happened. My therapist calls it rape which I am finding it hard to relate to. But it may help for you to define it in a way which makes sense to you... not what seems unreal or what will be judged by others.

Go gently...
 
@Bland I'm so sorry for your experience and how traumatic this has been and continues to be for you...I think you've been very brave to tell everything that happened here and I really encourage you to continue working sharing about it either in therapy or through a forum like this... there are sadly lots of people with different stories of SA (including cocsa) who understand where you're at (I'm one)... and you'll get genuine support... it's a shame that this was handled more professionally at the time and you weren't given the time and space from anyone to feel safe enough to tell your story and get the understanding and support you needed... but it's not too late to get that now...

You have nothing to be ashamed of ... this was abuse that you sadly had no chance to control or stand up against in any way... you were too young...

The torn feelings you speak of are all very normal too.. seeing it from an adult perspective but feeling it from your child perspective is that disparity really... and perhaps your journey, like others here, is to use the adult you to help your little child self through that nightmare of shame to access the support you so deserve and have every right to ask for...

I get this so very completely...I understand the feelings and thoughts behind this. In my case I was 9 and he was 10/11 (I don't know exact age) ... at the end of the day, if it happened it happened. My therapist calls it rape which I am finding it hard to relate to. But it may help for you to define it in a way which makes sense to you... not what seems unreal or what will be judged by others.

Go gently...
I'm just now seeing this as I haven't visited this website since I first posted as I didn't want to think about it again. I felt I had let it all out so what was the point? I reread what I wrote and somethings I had completely forgotten about.

Its really reassuring to see that someone else understands and that it's normal for me to see the me then and the me now as different people.
 
I'm just now seeing this as I haven't visited this website since I first posted as I didn't want to think about it again. I felt I had let it all out so what was the point? I reread what I wrote and somethings I had completely forgotten about.

Its really reassuring to see that someone else understands and that it's normal for me to see the me then and the me now as different people.
I think this is a normal dissociative response...
 
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