I was honest and I don't know if that was right or wrong but I had to

[SeekingAfrica]

I've been having

Spoiler

darker and darker thoughts lately, I'm having a flare. And because I'm broke, I only kept making it worse and worse, until I had to seek help on all the wrong places. So after writing and doing everything I can think of and still feeling like I'm an inch away from thinking the only resolution is ending it... I just blew up. It's like I cracked in a way I haven't before.

And so my current sure job is direct work with a client, and I wrote her an email. I have been postponing finishing certain files for 2 weeks because I was broken. Usually as long as I can explain why with her it's mostly long term projects so delays are okay. The only one that suffers is mostly me because I get paid upon delivery.
Anyway, I could have continued to work and torture myself over unpaid bills and the fact that in the summer I was working 11h days and now sometimes I have 2h days and sometimes 8, but it's impossibly hard... And I knew I could go the same route I usually do and keep digging myself deeper.

And while she's not the kind of person that can advance me money, and while telling her doesn't resolve my financial troubles...
Something had to give.
I just told my only current stable employer that I have PTSD and am really depressed but doing what I can to correct my workflow.
In way more words than this.

 

[intothelight]

@SeekingAfrica When pressure mounts and then add in additional economic pressure it is tough. Our business lives and dies by cash flow, so for larger or long term projects we do deposits and interim billing. Not sure this applies to your business or if it is helpful, but if you think it would help, it may be something to consider going forward.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@SeekingAfrica When pressure mounts and then add in additional economic pressure it is tough. Our business lives and dies by cash flow, so for larger or long term projects we do deposits and interim billing. Not sure this applies to your business or if it is helpful, but if you think it would help, it may be something to consider going forward.

Those are interim payments (like the projects are 6months or a year, etc. and I'm getting paid in monthly batches. But because the payments are international and there are fees that she assumes as the person paying, she doesn't do more than a monthly payment. Usually tries to make it at least X amount- and I have not finished that amount right now. The only time we did bi-weekly payments was at one point when we had a rush project and I was basically doing the amount I deliver monthly in 2 weeks-but that was an exception.

Right now between the depression and the money I am waaay less productive. And I was so close to letting go, that I just cracked. Not sure if there was purpose to my email or it will just end up screaming into the void, but it got me finally moving today,(in literal sense, I was really deep into it) so.... that's all I know right now.

 

[Weemie]

I just told my only current stable employer that I have PTSD and am really depressed but doing what I can to correct my workflow.

They will most likely respond positively! But even if they don't -> PTSD is a protected disability so as long as you have documentation she can't threaten your livelihood. So worst thing that can happen? Maybe she responds poorly, but you'll still have your job. That was a really hard thing you did! You should be super proud of yourself.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

They will most likely respond positively! But even if they don't -> PTSD is a protected disability so as long as you have documentation she can't threaten your livelihood. So worst thing that can happen? Maybe she responds poorly, but you'll still have your job. That was a really hard thing you did! You should be super proud of yourself.

I am not sure if I should feel proud.
But, I do feel a little lighter, which is something.

It's like I cracked in some way (that feeling when you do something so out of character that you feel you're losing your mind)- but it might be in a productive way. Like, every time I've had PTSD flare and the consequent drop in finances and trouble exisiting, I've always (unintentionally) handled it in one way and one way only, and it was super painful and prolonged and unhelpful. So this is NEW. I have never done this before. I'm in uncharted territory. Which means... there might be hope for me yet.
Even if I have not a clue what my next step is and all I'm doing today is as much work as I can for the abovementioned work.

I think it comes down to admitting to myself I am at the poverty line in such times, and also that PTSD flares are no joke and can get me really really low on the functioning level. And therefore finally admitting this I can maaaaaaaaaybe start to make a plan taking all that is true into account. And giving my client the full information too. But that comes tomorrow. For today, I just did what I did because I couldn't pretend anymore and I am now working, however little it ends up.
And for a first time in a few days, I'm a little nicer to myself.

 

[Weemie]

I am not sure if I should feel proud.

"Should" was a poor choice of words on my part! The should/shouldn'ts of feelings, heh. In my opinion I don't think you should feel anything. But I hope you can maybe find some sense of pride in that! You had a flare up but instead of relying on old habits you did something new & hard. That's a worthy accomplishment :>

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Thank you. I'm panicking from lack of response now, but we are at the moment in different time zones, so I should give it a moment.

 

[Mina]

Good for you, @SeekingAfrica ! I hope the response is positive and supportive, or at least is intended as such. And if there’s no response, remember that those without PTSD often don’t know what to say about it - or they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, so remain silent. If she’s unresponsive, perhaps that’s her way of giving you the space and grace you need right now.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Thank you all!!
There was no response for like a week- until today actually and I had like several panic attacks yesterday over that... Finally today I wrote calmly again and asked if she can respond.
Turns out she somehow missed seeing that email. She was so kind and kept asking how can she help. And she never pays more often than monthly, but I think (need to reread this again cause I'm in shock a bit) she suggested for a bit she pays me weekly as long as I do my best to make it as big amount as I can (cause of the fees). And she was so kind and so caring in what she wrote that I am literally in shock. And I got some tiny financial help meanwhile(didn't think I'd get that either). And pawned my laptop, too, but no regrets there, I'm seeing I'll be able to get it back. And I made budget planner, and got 1 mini side gig for fast cash. Had to do it for rent. But... maybe the tide is turning.
Maybe being honest was what I should have done weeks ago, not waited 2 months until the pain was intolerable to keep inside.
I am so mind-blown.

And yes, I recognize it could have went the other way around.
For weeks I was ignoring things and everything was worse and worse. I started asking for help- and slowly I'm starting to receive it from more than one place.
It's chances to do better- but for 2 months, I didn't even get that. It feels like I am getting a second - or zillionth- chance to get out of this flare and back to having a handle of my life and managing it despite the PTSD part. I'm shocked and grateful and also scared to be hopeful.
And I need to budget and be careful and work and possibly have few therapy sessions again.
Wow.

I told the person that is my main source of income for years that I had PTSD.
And she's been shockingly kind and caring.
I am blown away.