lostforgottensoul
MyPTSD Pro
I wasn't going to post here but I have no other place. I don't know where this should be posted, here or suicidal.
I'm so stupid! It was so f*cking stupid!
It was all of it together I'm sure.
Putting this in order (though this isn't why I was fired, I think the decsion was it all together).
Aura (symptom) - Wikipedia
But not diagnosed with anything so FMLA was out. You need a diagnosis of something for that. No one knows why it was happening. And the sleep specialist is now out unless my insurence holds for a month. The one possible answer is there.
ETA: All of my meds were also factored out.
I was moved to a super open desk. Right by a break room and everyone that passed looked at me as they passed. Like people at a red light where everyone looks at each other. I had blocked it once with paper towels (and posted a pic on here as thata horrible for PTSD symptoms. I didn't do that to get away with smoking the vap inside. I did that because everyone looking at me as they passed freaked me out. But was asked to take it down as it didn't look professional. I was going to get poster board and just never did. I now feel like I was an idiot to wait on that).
The less cautious followed to the new desk. My sup saw it in my hands about a month ago when I was switching out batteries and talked to me about it then. A week ago she caught me red handed smoking it. I have no one else to blame but myself. The internal punishment is already happening. I know how f*cking stupid it was. How irrespesonible, disrespectful, and absoultly stupid it was. I am already mentally beating myself up for it. So much so that I tried to drive into incoming traffic on the way home. The stupid human brain incontrolable surival thing kicked on as it always has which is why all my attempts to drive into incoming traffic, drive into a cement wall divider, to drive over 100 mph to attempt to roll my car, sit on a very active train and jump in front of a train all failed. The human brain wants to survive reguardless of what you want mentally. All ODs ended in purging the pills even when I took anti nausia meds to try to prevent the purge.
Anyway, I don't know what I am seeking. I have anti supporters that make you feel worse and I just feel like...a wet rag and can only see grey.
I have always wanted to badly go to school but see no way to do so. I have an internal pain pump that allows me to walk. Filling it and "adjusting" it (though hasn't adjusted the meds in months. He just scans it and gives me a print out of whats in it to give it to any ER people or whatever) is a few grand self pay all by itself. Even without my therapist (whom will see me at $60, a bit more then half price) just filling the pain pump is way too much without insurence. ObamaCare is still "the law of the land" for the moment so I can apply for that. Grants and stuff but I don't know if I can pay for school and money to live on an enough insurence to survive.
My step mom came in here starting shit, as she always does, in the middle of a conversation about my dad taking out a loan for some veteran thing for housing and asked "no, do YOU need a load?" Like asking if he needs it instead of if we need it. My dad did say he isn't going anywhere and that is what she was saying. That is one thing about my dad. He would drop everything to help one of his kids and has done that. More then once. When my car last broke down and for some of my sisters. He offered to go to their mom's memorial (half sisters, same dad different moms. His first ex wife) to be there for them. So thats something. He has income. His social security and VA benefits. Its not enough to support us here but its money. I have 5 grand in a 401K so will be taking that out and have a grand in my checking account. So we aren't pennyless but still won't last long with my pain Dr.
Anyway. Again, not sure what I need. When my step mom started the fight I said outloud very loud that I will just end my life and be done with it...since apparently I am a liar and selfish and a piece of shit (a direct quote from my step mom). At the moment, them moving isn't an option now. Its a package deal. With my dad's income comes him and with him comes my step mom.
Anyway, I'm sorry. Like always this probably should have been a diary entry. Sorry if I am taking up time and space on the forum...
I'm so stupid! It was so f*cking stupid!
It was all of it together I'm sure.
Putting this in order (though this isn't why I was fired, I think the decsion was it all together).
- I have horrid anxiety. It was a call center for technical support of internet, lineline phone, and IPTV (tv via the internet). People screamed at me all day. My anxiety increased and increased and increased. I couldn't balance it. I had bad tone with some of the customers. Wasn't written up for it but it was a thing I had been talked to about several times. I finally balanced it with Seriquel XR but I had the previous ones on file. About 5 I believe.
- I started to have these "episodes", out of no where, of super dizziness, horrible confusion, blurred & double vision, slurred speech, dehydration, a horrid headache, horrid anxiety and super emotional distubence and some things that can be called "light hallucinations". The entire thing from sudden out of no where start to out of no where stop lasted for 2 to 4 hrs or so. I was told by my sup I couldn't be on the phones that way (as I advised my sup of it the day after it first happened as she wasn't there at the time it first happened to make her aware of it...which hindsight was stupid. I should of just kept it to myself and not let anyone know because she went fishing for calls and found one).
- So theres that. Right away I went to my GP whom did an EKG as my blood oxygen was 92% at the time (where I learned it had dropped a ton) and blood & urine and found it wasn't my heart or blood sugar or blood pressure (I took my blood pressure while it was happening during 4 "episodes", taken constantly back to back. My blood pressure is always on the low side but never dropped below top number in the 90s and that is my norm and wouldn't cause this. Nor is it my thryroid (I have hypothyroism and am on leverthyroxine and also have 4 nodules on my thyroid that need to be biopsoed but I haven't had that done). My GP said she thought it was neurological and sent me to a neurologist. He said, taking in also the fact that I had a sezuire at work in 2012, that it wasn't a sezuire and the MRI on my brain was normal and also chest xray was normal even though my blood oxygen is way lower (between 96% to 90%) for over 2 months now. My norm (even with the vaporizer) is 98%. No one knows why its dropped. The neurologist said it wasn't anything neurological. My therapist disagrees and thinks it is an aura seizure:
Aura (symptom) - Wikipedia
But not diagnosed with anything so FMLA was out. You need a diagnosis of something for that. No one knows why it was happening. And the sleep specialist is now out unless my insurence holds for a month. The one possible answer is there.
ETA: All of my meds were also factored out.
- Anyway, because one day the "episode" started before work, I was so confused that I couldn't figure out how to take a shower. So dizzy I couldn't walk and was holding onto walls and furniture and slurred speech super bad according to my step mom. I called out of work (remember my sup said I couldn't be on the phones like that) and was written up for attendence. I had no out. My therapist asked me to ask my therapist that if it happened again, what can I do (like be able to go into a training or something where I didn't have to log out of the phone which was our time clock. Logging out hit attendence and so I had no way to not take calls or I'd be fired for attendence. And I have no control over it).
I was moved to a super open desk. Right by a break room and everyone that passed looked at me as they passed. Like people at a red light where everyone looks at each other. I had blocked it once with paper towels (and posted a pic on here as thata horrible for PTSD symptoms. I didn't do that to get away with smoking the vap inside. I did that because everyone looking at me as they passed freaked me out. But was asked to take it down as it didn't look professional. I was going to get poster board and just never did. I now feel like I was an idiot to wait on that).
The less cautious followed to the new desk. My sup saw it in my hands about a month ago when I was switching out batteries and talked to me about it then. A week ago she caught me red handed smoking it. I have no one else to blame but myself. The internal punishment is already happening. I know how f*cking stupid it was. How irrespesonible, disrespectful, and absoultly stupid it was. I am already mentally beating myself up for it. So much so that I tried to drive into incoming traffic on the way home. The stupid human brain incontrolable surival thing kicked on as it always has which is why all my attempts to drive into incoming traffic, drive into a cement wall divider, to drive over 100 mph to attempt to roll my car, sit on a very active train and jump in front of a train all failed. The human brain wants to survive reguardless of what you want mentally. All ODs ended in purging the pills even when I took anti nausia meds to try to prevent the purge.
Anyway, I don't know what I am seeking. I have anti supporters that make you feel worse and I just feel like...a wet rag and can only see grey.
I have always wanted to badly go to school but see no way to do so. I have an internal pain pump that allows me to walk. Filling it and "adjusting" it (though hasn't adjusted the meds in months. He just scans it and gives me a print out of whats in it to give it to any ER people or whatever) is a few grand self pay all by itself. Even without my therapist (whom will see me at $60, a bit more then half price) just filling the pain pump is way too much without insurence. ObamaCare is still "the law of the land" for the moment so I can apply for that. Grants and stuff but I don't know if I can pay for school and money to live on an enough insurence to survive.
My step mom came in here starting shit, as she always does, in the middle of a conversation about my dad taking out a loan for some veteran thing for housing and asked "no, do YOU need a load?" Like asking if he needs it instead of if we need it. My dad did say he isn't going anywhere and that is what she was saying. That is one thing about my dad. He would drop everything to help one of his kids and has done that. More then once. When my car last broke down and for some of my sisters. He offered to go to their mom's memorial (half sisters, same dad different moms. His first ex wife) to be there for them. So thats something. He has income. His social security and VA benefits. Its not enough to support us here but its money. I have 5 grand in a 401K so will be taking that out and have a grand in my checking account. So we aren't pennyless but still won't last long with my pain Dr.
Anyway. Again, not sure what I need. When my step mom started the fight I said outloud very loud that I will just end my life and be done with it...since apparently I am a liar and selfish and a piece of shit (a direct quote from my step mom). At the moment, them moving isn't an option now. Its a package deal. With my dad's income comes him and with him comes my step mom.
Anyway, I'm sorry. Like always this probably should have been a diary entry. Sorry if I am taking up time and space on the forum...
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