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I was just fired and a complete mess!

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I wasn't going to post here but I have no other place. I don't know where this should be posted, here or suicidal.

I'm so stupid! It was so f*cking stupid!

It was all of it together I'm sure.

Putting this in order (though this isn't why I was fired, I think the decsion was it all together).

  • I have horrid anxiety. It was a call center for technical support of internet, lineline phone, and IPTV (tv via the internet). People screamed at me all day. My anxiety increased and increased and increased. I couldn't balance it. I had bad tone with some of the customers. Wasn't written up for it but it was a thing I had been talked to about several times. I finally balanced it with Seriquel XR but I had the previous ones on file. About 5 I believe.
  • I started to have these "episodes", out of no where, of super dizziness, horrible confusion, blurred & double vision, slurred speech, dehydration, a horrid headache, horrid anxiety and super emotional distubence and some things that can be called "light hallucinations". The entire thing from sudden out of no where start to out of no where stop lasted for 2 to 4 hrs or so. I was told by my sup I couldn't be on the phones that way (as I advised my sup of it the day after it first happened as she wasn't there at the time it first happened to make her aware of it...which hindsight was stupid. I should of just kept it to myself and not let anyone know because she went fishing for calls and found one).
  • So theres that. Right away I went to my GP whom did an EKG as my blood oxygen was 92% at the time (where I learned it had dropped a ton) and blood & urine and found it wasn't my heart or blood sugar or blood pressure (I took my blood pressure while it was happening during 4 "episodes", taken constantly back to back. My blood pressure is always on the low side but never dropped below top number in the 90s and that is my norm and wouldn't cause this. Nor is it my thryroid (I have hypothyroism and am on leverthyroxine and also have 4 nodules on my thyroid that need to be biopsoed but I haven't had that done). My GP said she thought it was neurological and sent me to a neurologist. He said, taking in also the fact that I had a sezuire at work in 2012, that it wasn't a sezuire and the MRI on my brain was normal and also chest xray was normal even though my blood oxygen is way lower (between 96% to 90%) for over 2 months now. My norm (even with the vaporizer) is 98%. No one knows why its dropped. The neurologist said it wasn't anything neurological. My therapist disagrees and thinks it is an aura seizure:

Aura (symptom) - Wikipedia

But not diagnosed with anything so FMLA was out. You need a diagnosis of something for that. No one knows why it was happening. And the sleep specialist is now out unless my insurence holds for a month. The one possible answer is there.

ETA: All of my meds were also factored out.
  • Anyway, because one day the "episode" started before work, I was so confused that I couldn't figure out how to take a shower. So dizzy I couldn't walk and was holding onto walls and furniture and slurred speech super bad according to my step mom. I called out of work (remember my sup said I couldn't be on the phones like that) and was written up for attendence. I had no out. My therapist asked me to ask my therapist that if it happened again, what can I do (like be able to go into a training or something where I didn't have to log out of the phone which was our time clock. Logging out hit attendence and so I had no way to not take calls or I'd be fired for attendence. And I have no control over it).
So all of that taken in account I was actually fired for doing something SUPER stupid. Totally my fault and I feel like a complete f*cking idiot! I smoke a nicotine vaporizer. You aren't allowed to smoke it inside. I was going outside when I first stopped smoking cigs and when I started smoking the vaporizer. For a long time I went outside and then a ton of coworkers said they smoked it at their desks and just blew it under their desk. I started doing that and was super cautious at first. But was in desks that weren't out in the open so over about a year and a half became less cautious and stuff. They sent out an email, twice, to the entire company about. I knew it wasn't allowed and did it anyways. Being a f*cking idiot!

I was moved to a super open desk. Right by a break room and everyone that passed looked at me as they passed. Like people at a red light where everyone looks at each other. I had blocked it once with paper towels (and posted a pic on here as thata horrible for PTSD symptoms. I didn't do that to get away with smoking the vap inside. I did that because everyone looking at me as they passed freaked me out. But was asked to take it down as it didn't look professional. I was going to get poster board and just never did. I now feel like I was an idiot to wait on that).

The less cautious followed to the new desk. My sup saw it in my hands about a month ago when I was switching out batteries and talked to me about it then. A week ago she caught me red handed smoking it. I have no one else to blame but myself. The internal punishment is already happening. I know how f*cking stupid it was. How irrespesonible, disrespectful, and absoultly stupid it was. I am already mentally beating myself up for it. So much so that I tried to drive into incoming traffic on the way home. The stupid human brain incontrolable surival thing kicked on as it always has which is why all my attempts to drive into incoming traffic, drive into a cement wall divider, to drive over 100 mph to attempt to roll my car, sit on a very active train and jump in front of a train all failed. The human brain wants to survive reguardless of what you want mentally. All ODs ended in purging the pills even when I took anti nausia meds to try to prevent the purge.

Anyway, I don't know what I am seeking. I have anti supporters that make you feel worse and I just feel like...a wet rag and can only see grey.

I have always wanted to badly go to school but see no way to do so. I have an internal pain pump that allows me to walk. Filling it and "adjusting" it (though hasn't adjusted the meds in months. He just scans it and gives me a print out of whats in it to give it to any ER people or whatever) is a few grand self pay all by itself. Even without my therapist (whom will see me at $60, a bit more then half price) just filling the pain pump is way too much without insurence. ObamaCare is still "the law of the land" for the moment so I can apply for that. Grants and stuff but I don't know if I can pay for school and money to live on an enough insurence to survive.

My step mom came in here starting shit, as she always does, in the middle of a conversation about my dad taking out a loan for some veteran thing for housing and asked "no, do YOU need a load?" Like asking if he needs it instead of if we need it. My dad did say he isn't going anywhere and that is what she was saying. That is one thing about my dad. He would drop everything to help one of his kids and has done that. More then once. When my car last broke down and for some of my sisters. He offered to go to their mom's memorial (half sisters, same dad different moms. His first ex wife) to be there for them. So thats something. He has income. His social security and VA benefits. Its not enough to support us here but its money. I have 5 grand in a 401K so will be taking that out and have a grand in my checking account. So we aren't pennyless but still won't last long with my pain Dr.

Anyway. Again, not sure what I need. When my step mom started the fight I said outloud very loud that I will just end my life and be done with it...since apparently I am a liar and selfish and a piece of shit (a direct quote from my step mom). At the moment, them moving isn't an option now. Its a package deal. With my dad's income comes him and with him comes my step mom.

Anyway, I'm sorry. Like always this probably should have been a diary entry. Sorry if I am taking up time and space on the forum...
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Are you saying you can't get another job? There are postions such as secretary and front office help that you could do setting down? Maybe it doesn't have to be 'all or nothing', give yourself time to see if you can get another job...
Hope they find out what is wrong physically..
I have been fired from one job, it was a horrible feeling... it WASN'T my fault , but politics in the work atmosphere, and they knew it... so I at least got unemployment... do you think you could get that, or is the smoking a done deal as far as being fired?
First off, breathe. You won't be able to assess the situation properly until you've calmed down. So just cut yourself some slack, stop beating yourself up about all this and allow yourself 2-3 days to come to terms with things. During those few days, do whatever you need to do to stay grounded (apart from, of course, ending your life or doing anything like that).

I have been where you are, when everything blows up at once and it seems like there is no way out. The thing is, even if there's no way out at this moment, there will be a way out if you give it some time. There always is. You will find a way and survive. It might be rough, but it also sounds like you weren't really happy at this job. And if this job was causing you MORE anxiety, then try to view this as a blessing in disguise that will give you a chance (that will actually force you) to drastically change things and start living a new life. Don't look at it as a failure, or a stupid mistake, but look at it as the beginning of something new that may very well be great.
And to add, my step mom was screaming an inch from my nose, I pushed her out of my face, she purposely fell backwards into the door, she is now playing that up to the hilt.

Now its "everyone dislikes you and are afraid for us to live here. You have no one because you are so crazy. If you cant be normal in 8 yrs then you need to be locked up somewhere".
Get you something cold to drink and go to your room... calm down..... just like @Casey_03 shared.... give yourself some time.... you know engaging with your step mom is never good.... don't add to your stress... take your dog and go to your room... you have a million ways to ground.... try some of them....you are going to be ok
If you can, try to stay away from your stepmom for now. @Casey_03 said it well; you'll better be able to assess the situation properly when you're calmer. Whatever she is saying is probably being said to push your buttons, so you're likely better off not being around her at all, if you can help it. As for being fired, you aren't stupid. You will get through this. Sounds like this job wasn't helping your anxiety issues either, so perhaps this happened for the better. Try to meditate, listen to music, go for a walk, exercise, spend time with a friend or pet, take a bath...whatever it is you can think of that can relieve your anxiety in a healthy manner. I understand the feeling of wanting to disappear at times like this, but the feelings will pass. Just remind yourself that this is temporary and you will get through it. <3
Are you saying you can't get another job?

Yes, I can. But Florida wages abosultely f*cking suck and price of living is insane. But my therapist is here and if I leave him I wont ever go to another. It took 3 yrs. to build any sort of trust with him and 2 yrs to pull my past out of me and I was forced into therapy so starting over won't be possible.

So get a job that pays 3 dollars less an hour. Theres just not a lot of call centers here that aren't selling and I can't sell due to anxiety. I can't work on mainly commission. Its just too stressful. So my options are small in the industry (call centers) that I have worked in my entire adult life.

secretary and front office

Can't do face to face. I would get fired super fast if I did that.

To do what I have most knowledge and passion about (IT) needs costly certifications or a college education.

Now its more of what happened with my step mom. She threatened to tell my family that I pushed her into the wall (which I did not do, she purposely walked backward into the door) but since she threatened that I posted on facebook "whatever [my step mom] says about me, don't listen to it, it's is all bullshit. If you want to know the truth ask me." And tagged her kids. Threaten me and I cover myself. Apparently she says she wasn't going to but how was I to know about that. Knowing my family they would try to get the law involved in a cival matter and try to force my dad to leave. I don't know anyone that wouldn't push someone out of their face when screaming less then an inch from their nose. I mean right in my face. Or blocking the way in the hallway from me going to my room.

I'm just a mess, I'm sorry. I let her purposely push me to that edge and I was about to hit her at one point and if my dad wasn't here I would have. I let her push me that far. Once it starts I don't have that rational mind to think to go to my bedroom or to stop. It internally makes itself worse. Its not anger or rage but anxiety as I tremble when something makes me upset. Even on here. When triggered I tremble. Its anxiety.

I'm just not ok. Its not just the job. It's everything. Being a burden to everyone. They cant move because i am in need again. Im like something that sucks the life out of everyone. I just want to die so very badly but for whatever reason cant seem to get the balls to do it. Which pisses me off. I'm a burden to anyone that has known me. I have zero purpose here. Everyone hates me. I do everything wrong. Then why am I still breathing? Wouldn't everyone be better if I weren't here?
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Wow you are human and did a stupid thing but this does not mean that you are allowed to go brutal on yourself as tempting as that is it will only make you feel worse.

Get calm and relaxed as much as possible for you right now and breathe. Cuddle your dog, kick your stepmom far away from you to take a time out for you, yes you deserve to do that.

Eat something good, drink something cold or warm. Turn on music or tv to have background noise so you can relax. Lay down with your dog. Take your meds and know a good thing will come to you out of this experience at work. It is damn scary but it is a done deal. Give your self as many pajama days as you need since you do have some cash. Taking good care of you is number one priority. You are going to be okay in spite of how you feel right now.

Breathe and take a nap if you need to cuddling your dog. You are going to be okay no matter what anyone else says. You are a strong person and will figure out the next step after you take stock of your situation I think. :hug::hug::hug:
Thanks @gizmo! I'm trying. My dad and I were brainstorming when she intrupted and now he won't let go of being comitted. Thats my fault for making my suicide ideations verbal. I was trying to talk to him since i have no one else to talk to but that was a mistake.

Earlier, I tried to explain PTSD veteran style (since he is a veteran). He can get that a veteran with PTSD relives the war but can't get its the same with me. Same disorder, same synptoms, same problem.

I can feel myself trying to fall asleep. Thata my body shutting down. I want to sleep but not sure I can. Maybe play my favorite vlogs on youtube, The Frey Life, as they always make me smile and feel better. My dad wants me to go start filling out apps tomorrow. That isn't going to happen that fast. I can already predict my body will crash.
Here, I didn't want to type this out twice so I wrote things applicable in this thread in this post in my diary: Link Removed
I've got this super weird feeling. Binge watching Teen Mom 2 just to get crap off the DVR cuz I don't watch tv anymore and need to get this stuff off the DVR and maybe thats why I have this feeling but I can't describe it. It's not suicidal. Not really although that does pop up, its not like a constant "i want to die" as it orginally was. Maybe its depression mixed with some numbness. I dont know.

In the parking lot sitting in my car after I was walked out, I lost it. I not only cried for the first time ever, it was this very painful cry. Like one would cry after they heard a close loved one died. I get that rationally it is no where near the same. I loved my job there but thats not it. Ive lost jobs before. I even lost a job (fired only one other time in my life belive it or not) here in this area in the 8 yrs ive been in therapy. I had made this agreement with myself last Wed that if I lost this job that I was going to figure out a way to complete suicide. And my step mom saying "everyone dislikes you, they tell me all the time" (speaking about my family). So her words when she was saying the cruel things she was when my dad left because of the fighting. But its even more then that.

I dont want to even look for a job. And i dont know why. I keep wondering what qualifies me for disabilty. Got the pain and the likelyhood of it getting worse way soon. But I mean mentally. I can and do compartmentalize in order to work and can see that working, or at least that job, is a huge stressor that isnt helping my mental state at all. But what is that border where one says, mentally, that they cannot work and must go on disabilty? Am i kidding myself to want that? And is it bad to want that? I need a break, thats for sure and if it werent for my pain Dr I could take one.

But even still. This reluctness of wanting to job search and then this very odd feeling that i just cannot put my finger on. Sadness is there. Thats a given i suppose. But why the absolute super painful broken heart cry? Why was this so painful? Maybe because thats what the insurence says makes me fuctional or not, working, and if not able to keep a job then im not functional? I dont know. Its such a weird feeling that i have never felt before. I can feel some depression and def some heaviness but the majority of it is just odd.

I dont know. Maybe its too soon. Im not sure.
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