Undiagnosed I was molested for 7 years by my father when I was a child

Veronica1423

New Here
When I was 7 (The age I remember it from) I was being molested by my father up until the age of 14 when I realised that what he was doing wasn't right.

Let's start from the begging, the first incident happened when I was on the couch with him and playing games on his phone when he decided to touch me in THAT place and tell me it was okay, I told him it hurts but he wouldn't stop and told me it should feel good, so I have ignored it.

He slept with me fully naked and pressed up against me on several nights. He touched me in a swimming pool through my swimsuit caressing me in the same place he always has. He caressed me and put his fingers inside me when I was 10. he insisted I get changed in front of him and he would undress too. He kept touching my thighs, knees, ass, THAT area. Everywhere. And told me if it was our little secret so I never told anyone until the point 14 years old when he was taking pictures of me, and I told him to stop and that I didn't want to, and he got angry at me that when I said it and it was the last time, I have seen him.

Before the photo situation, it was the same routine as his hands on me. My mum and he are divorced so I saw him every weekend I would walk in on him ejaculating he wouldn't stop even when I saw what he was doing so that kept happening for 7 years. When I got the courage to tell my stepdad he told me it wasn't okay and when I hit 16, I told my stepdad every detail of what has happened.

Since I was 16 and started having alcohol, I get flashbacks and have panic attacks and breakdowns but only when I'm alone. This has caused me severe trust issues with men since now I think that if I say no to something they will get angry at me and leave just as my father has which has resulted in me into not letting a man into my life. I have tried talking about this issue with my parents, but they tell me to get over it and forget about it, but I can't.

He tries to reach out to me now and again but when he does it bring back the flashbacks and memories that I try to bury. I often turn to alcohol and try to forget but it only works until the flashbacks kick in again.

I get thought of maybe that this is my fault that I haven't stopped this sooner or maybe I'm overreacting since people have it worse than me. I haven't spoken about it to a therapist or counsellor since the thought of that scares me. But yeah, this is my story, and any help would be appreciated <3
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
I get thought of maybe that this is my fault that I haven't stopped this sooner or maybe I'm overreacting since people have it worse than me.

It certainly wasn't your fault. You were a child and your parent was obligated to protect you and nurture you, not enact violence upon you. What is "better or worse" is subjective. Human pain can't be measured on a scale in that way, it all matters. All abuse is wrong and harmful and all human beings deserve respect, dignity, compassion and preservation of well-being.

I understand that you're afraid to go to therapy since uncovering these memories is very painful and frightening. But, the reward for learning how to integrate these experiences and move through them is that your life can become more peaceful and purposeful.

In any case, welcome to the forum! Glad you are here, though of course, not for the circumstances of your arrival.
 

intothelight

Sponsor
@Veronica1423 I am so sorry this happened to you and it is definitely not your fault. My two youngest daughters were also molested by their father during visitation. They were too afraid to tell me until they were teenagers as he told them he would kill me if they told. They had every reason to believe that as they had seen him point a gun at me on more than one occasion.

Fortunately, the justice system did deliver justice in this case as he was sentenced to 140 years, which basically put him behind bars for life. However, if he hadn't been found guilty I would have killed him.

Please do not blame yourself as the blame falls squarely on your molester. We are 11 years out from the conviction and with therapy and a lot of support, both of my daughters have recovered and although it will always affect them, it no longer derails their lives. I hope you find the support and ultimately the healing you need.
 

Veronica1423

New Here
@Veronica1423 I am so sorry this happened to you and it is definitely not your fault. My two youngest daughters were also molested by their father during visitation. They were too afraid to tell me until they were teenagers as he told them he would kill me if they told. They had every reason to believe that as they had seen him point a gun at me on more than one occasion.

Fortunately, the justice system did deliver justice in this case as he was sentenced to 140 years, which basically put him behind bars for life. However, if he hadn't been found guilty I would have killed him.

Please do not blame yourself as the blame falls squarely on your molester. We are 11 years out from the conviction and with therapy and a lot of support, both of my daughters have recovered and although it will always affect them, it no longer derails their lives. I hope you find the support and ultimately the healing you need.
Thank you for sharing your story it means a lot. It has helped me realise that there is justice and I wasn’t alone ❤️
 
Top