Sexual Assault I wish I was still friends with the girl who SA’d me

[anonomouswritergirl]

To give some context it was COCSA (child on child sexual assault situation) and it happened about ten years ago when I was 9 and she was 11-12. We had been friends for around 3-4 years when it happened and it was a lot more complicated than just simple COCSA.

At the time both of us had really bad home lives and because she was a few years older than me she was someone who became a maternal or mentor like figure. I spent all of my time with her and we had really no boundries in our relationship (we showered, went to the bathroom, and slept together). She was a safe person for me who I trusted with literally anything, when things at home were bad she was really protective over me and always made me feel better. In the last 10 years I have never been as close to another person as I was to her, she knew every facet of me.

Because we had no boundries I don’t even know if I count it as SA because I don’t think her intentions were to make me uncomfortable, I just think she wanted to explore sexual experiences and I just froze up, and didn’t explicitly tell her no. It happened twice.

After it happened my body would have a physical fight or flight response whenever she came over or was near me. I would hide under the bed if I heard her coming to my door, and would beg my mom to tell her I was sick so she would leave. Because of this, I ended the friendship. I didn’t know how to stop having a physical reaction to her and I felt so scared of her after, I just couldn’t look at her the same.

As I’ve gotten older, I deeply regret ending the friendship because I miss her so much. I genuninely loved her, and adored spending time with her. She knew me better than anyone else, and I felt so safe and comfortable around her. I feel like i’ve never seen anyone talk about really missing the person who SA’d them, but I do.

It’s such a hard feeling because she’s never reached out, and I really doubt she’d even respond if I did reach out because I think she eventually figured out why I ended our friendship so abruptly and wouldn’t be interested in talking about it. But, that friendship left a huge impact on me and I have dreams about her sometimes where we become friends again and I feel so at peace.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you cope with it? Has anyone reconnected with the person who SA’d them or successfully gotten some type of closure? Any similar experiences would be really helpful.

 

[sidptitala]

that friendship left a huge impact on me and I have dreams about her sometimes where we become friends again and I feel so at peace.

I genuninely loved her, and adored spending time with her.

I feel like i’ve never seen anyone talk about really missing the person who SA’d them, but I do

Is it maybe worth reaching out to her to talk about how you felt when that happened? It sounds like there was a lot you valued about that relationship and that it was quite genuine and caring- and that you lost that suddenly.

How has that event affected you since? Once you have come to terms with that it might not be so hard to talk about with her. You mentioned that you both had rough upbringings- do you think that influenced the meaning that either she or you gave to the relationship and that event?

 

[Roland]

Honestly, I don't think COCSA is ever "simple"... But I do think you could benefit from reconnecting with her. Though she may not really see the incidents as SA (just throwing that out there). She may see it as you both were messing around, interested, or whatever.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm surprised about the responses and wonder if the child who had abused was male if the responses would be the same.
We know abuse is never simple and that there often are positive elements in the relationship, which then allow the abuse to take place.

Talking this through with a therapist and working out what this longing for someone who hurt you is about.
Reconnecting with someone who abused you is tricky.
They were a child and now as an adult may have very different views about what they did. Would they admit it though? Because admitting it means admitting a crime and people lie about that for obvious reasons.

I'd explore the longing for them more than thinking that the longing will be solved if you reconnect.

 

[swaninterrupted]

To give some context it was COCSA (child on child sexual assault situation) and it happened about ten years ago when I was 9 and she was 11-12. We had been friends for around 3-4 years when it happened and it was a lot more complicated than just simple COCSA.

At the time both of us had really bad home lives and because she was a few years older than me she was someone who became a maternal or mentor like figure. I spent all of my time with her and we had really no boundries in our relationship (we showered, went to the bathroom, and slept together). She was a safe person for me who I trusted with literally anything, when things at home were bad she was really protective over me and always made me feel better. In the last 10 years I have never been as close to another person as I was to her, she knew every facet of me.

Because we had no boundries I don’t even know if I count it as SA because I don’t think her intentions were to make me uncomfortable, I just think she wanted to explore sexual experiences and I just froze up, and didn’t explicitly tell her no. It happened twice.

After it happened my body would have a physical fight or flight response whenever she came over or was near me. I would hide under the bed if I heard her coming to my door, and would beg my mom to tell her I was sick so she would leave. Because of this, I ended the friendship. I didn’t know how to stop having a physical reaction to her and I felt so scared of her after, I just couldn’t look at her the same.

As I’ve gotten older, I deeply regret ending the friendship because I miss her so much. I genuninely loved her, and adored spending time with her. She knew me better than anyone else, and I felt so safe and comfortable around her. I feel like i’ve never seen anyone talk about really missing the person who SA’d them, but I do.

It’s such a hard feeling because she’s never reached out, and I really doubt she’d even respond if I did reach out because I think she eventually figured out why I ended our friendship so abruptly and wouldn’t be interested in talking about it. But, that friendship left a huge impact on me and I have dreams about her sometimes where we become friends again and I feel so at peace.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you cope with it? Has anyone reconnected with the person who SA’d them or successfully gotten some type of closure? Any similar experiences would be really helpful.

this had happened to me too, and i really wish i didn’t break off the friendship. i was 13 and she was 14. we still have all of our classes together. as much as you adored her, the friendship wasn’t healthy. i wouldn’t encourage you to become her friend again because you’re putting yourself at risk for being assaulted again. i know it’s hard, but you’ll feel so much better with time. try to branch out and find new friends! it won’t be the same as with her, but when i started talking to more people it definitely helped.

 

[Roland]

this had happened to me too, and i really wish i didn’t break off the friendship. i was 13 and she was 14. we still have all of our classes together. as much as you adored her, the friendship wasn’t healthy. i wouldn’t encourage you to become her friend again because you’re putting yourself at risk for being assaulted again. i know it’s hard, but you’ll feel so much better with time. try to branch out and find new friends! it won’t be the same as with her, but when i started talking to more people it definitely helped

My thought process wasn't so much the op being friends again, but finding closure and being able to discuss what happened. But I'm curious to know other's opinions. I tried to talk to my abuser and he wouldn't have the conversation and continued being toxic so I cut him off. But trying to have that conversation was beneficial to me, it showed me how toxic he was. COCSA is very complicated. My abuser was an adult and I was a child, so it's completely different dynamics. I don't think it'd be beneficial to try to fully rekindle a friendship unless there was no abuse or toxic behavior anymore and even still that is really difficult to not fall into the same dynamics.

Btw, this is my same opinion regardless of genders of the abuser and survivor.

 

[Ubergirl]

I can't help but think you're remembering the friendship thru rose coloured glasses. Kids memories don't always clock all the emotional boundary crossing.
Maybe it wasn't such a great friendship as much as it was attention and acceptance when you had none from anyone else.
We tend to idolise kid memories. Like when I was young and friends with a boy and his younger sister, we had the best times but the boy was always pressuring me to be his gf. I was too young and uncomfortable so I kept saying no. I think back and feel I missed out on starting a meaningful relationship. No, we all know what this boy wanted, at least I feel it in my gut. Otherwise he wouldn't have kept pressuring me

I hope you get what I'm saying and can look back with new eyes perhaps big hugs