Sufferer IBS, CPTSD, ADHD… Blegh

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and IBS around eight months ago. I am in my 30’s. I grew up the youngest of five girls. Our father is a Narcissist. We will never know if this was due to the sometimes violent abuse he suffered as a child, or if he was just born that way. In the end it really doesn’t matter, I guess. As the saying goes; s$!t rolls downhill, and I was always at the bottom. My sisters didn’t hit me, and my dad would scream in my face “I NEVER hit any one of you,” as if it were a point of pride. For years I was being treated under the diagnosis of MDD with anxiety, which always felt wrong. I KNEW that the depression was only a side effect of feeling so bad for so very long. Mood stabilizers would work for a bit, and I’d feel hopeful. I would develop good habits and feel in control. Until the fear came back worse: then nothing worked any more and my body was hell again.
Recently dramatic life events made me so sick I ended up in the ER twice for dehydration and malnourishment. I went no contact with two of my older sisters (including my twin) and limited contact with one other and my mom.
It’s still hard. I used to speak with my mom every day. Most days this feels like the best choice I’ve ever made. I only ever wanted to feel loved, there are hours when it feels like I’ve given that up. Especially because I don’t know how to trust good people.
I spent a week in residential psych treatment after that. They put me on Zyprexa for the intrusive thoughts, and that has been a revelation. I keep thinking that this must be what a “normal” person’s head is like. The voices that suggest I’m going to fail and I don’t deserve it are quieter. It’s still hard. Panic comes whenever I need to finish (or start) a task, and it’s especially hard to forgive myself around my ADHD and IBS symptoms. But I’m here. And I’m doing it.